my friend is pregnant again by her violent husband

[mebythesea]

One of my best friends has been on off with her violent husband for years. She has turned up at my house countless times in a real state after yet another fight. I spend days helping her sort herself out. We make plans for her future, escape options, i have spoken to womens aid for her, looked into housing options for her etc. Cared for her 3 kids many times when she is too distraught to cope with them.
Two weeks ago she kicked him out for yet more violence. And now she has told me today she is pregnant by him again. She wants to keep the baby, no question in her eyes about a termination. They are about to be evicted from their house and her huisbands business is on the brink of bancrupsy.
I dont know how to help her any more. She just seems determined to stay with him and keep in this destructive cycle. I just feel so sorry for the kids, they have whitnessed so much already and another baby is surely just going to add to the stress in the house. Her last two babies have been in her terms 'band aid' babies,and this one seems to be yet another attempt to fix their relationship. I feel exhasperated by her and feel she is so irresponsible. Does that make me a bad friend? It seems that no matter how much i or others try to help nothing changes. How do i continue to support her but also not feel totally ineffectual and dumped on by her crap? I feel like i spend so nuch time and energy trying to help and i feel i absorb her hectic energy and distress. I have issues with setting boundrys, people tend to trample all over me emotionally and i feel i needs to protect myself a bit from her stuff. But how? Without totally backing off? Sorry for this epic post !

Mebythesea I am the same. Ive listened to peoples problems, Ive helped in practical ways and I never seem to learn. There have been 4 major episodes in my life where I have put myself out for people and in each of those times I have been royally kicked in the teeth (one was a very similar situation to yours). I cannot seem to set those boundaries and be strong about it. I know Im not being much help here, just trying to show I understand. What I would try to do in your situation is to say in your mind that this phone conversation is only going to be 10 mins, then make up something that you have to do each time. Ofcourse be there if there is a crisis but you need to protect yourself a bit or you will be thoroughly trampled on. Soon she will realise that you will not be there to listen to her endless problems. However do remember that it takes on average something like 34 tries of leaving a partner before it is actually successful in an abusive relationship.
Good luck.

Doing things for people allows them to remain powerless. Supporting them to do things for themselves can empower them. Sometimes the best way to help someone is not to help them. pippa's idea for time limiting seems a good way to start changing your behaviour, while not abandoning your friend.

You need to report it to the police.

SS may force the separation to protect her and the children, but will also provide support.

Thanks for your thoughts pippa. Good idea about the timing thing. More often than not she is at my house unfortunatly. So chance fior escape harder to come by. I do understand that i may be hindering her helping herself by always being there to pick up the pieces. But it seems like they are always lurching from one crisis to another and practical imediate help is all i can think of to help. But maybe that is enabeling tyhey cycle in some way... So what do i do when she next turns up black and blue but wont go to the poolice or doctor or a shelter and the kids are clinging onto her and there is nowhere else for her to go? Can i really not step in? I dont think i could. Even if it meant she somehow had to face up to the consequences of her decision... I cant do ut to the children. I have spoken to ss about it. They are involved but she keeps alot underwraps. They are a very well to do family, outwardly respectible family, the hunting shooting fishing brigade, and she feels deep shame about airing her 'dirty laundry' with within the community os sharing with strangers ie the ss and oither officials. Hmmmm

Sorry for typos / spelling i'm on my blasted phone and the screen is too small and the keypad too titchy. and ive got a poorly baby in arms.
Back to the problem in hand, maybe i need to speak to the ss again and see what they can do. Her deepest fear is having the dc's taken from her, but it looks like she is heading in that direction if she doesnt remove them from the situation. She cant seem to grasp this though.

Her h grew up with a string of violent step fathers, and so he is repeating history.

If she won't go to the police, the next time she turns up black and blue could you get the police to come to you? It might be worth having a chat with the police dv team in advance.

Her dc will remember there was somewhere they could go and they were safe, that there was a house and a family they knew where violence was not normal and they were protected. IMO you are doing something very valuable there.

I agree with joan that you're doing something really special for her children by giving them a safe place, but I think you've taken on far too much and your friend is essentially using you. She is making you responsible for her safety by involving you so much in her relationship, to the point where it's wearing you down. Would you be able to sit down and explain that to her? Tell her that you love her and want her to be safe but at this stage you are at a loss as to what to do next? If she realises that you're starting to withdraw somewhat it might be the push she needs consider leaving. You're in a really tough situation because obviously you don't want to leave her to fend for herself at the risk that things could go really bad, but at the same time she is making the decision to keep this awful situation going so your hands are tied in that respect.

When you look back at this situation whatever the outcome you might find yourself realising that you are perhaps in over your head? (And I am saying this from direct experience). By harbouring her you are just delaying the next beating. The best way to help her is to call the police. I did just that, finally, after witnessing my friend being beaten in the street by her h. I had a small child in my car that I was anxious not to see what was going on, so I drove down the street and called the police. I waited until they arrived and then drove home. The h got put in the cells overnight to cool off, then my friend finally started divorce proceedings.
Please dont think Im being blunt but you are not doing her any favours by helping her because she seems intent on continuing to return back to the situation.

Thanks for you posts. Ive not had a moment today to get om mn. And still got a grizzly baby in arms.

I think i will call the police next time. I am happy to have the dcs here but i really cant take on the responsibility for her safety. I love her and her dcs, the dcs are always welcome, they are always asking to play/ sleep over....ours is a busy house with 3dcs and dogs and two businesses run from home, but i will always make room for her dcs...

There is another issue to this which she refuses to let me mention anything to her h. I see him in and around our village, he socialises with people we know, he is a classic charmer, butter wouldnt melt. She has even brought him to our family parites etc and i am expected to welcome him and make chitchat. Its really fucked up. It feels like i am buying into the whole sharade. Oking his behaviour by not confronting him. People think he is a golden boy and she wont let me say a word against him. But forces me to take on all the shit of their relationship. He knows i know, he knows we are her refuge.... I just cant look at him, and she expects me to treat him normally as if all is ok.

Having read your last post, I definitely think you should put a stop to this friend using you. She has involved you far too much in her shit and it's really not fair on you. She's taking advantage of your good nature.

Hi callindana. ive found myself gettin more and more angry with the whole situation today.i dont know what she expects me to do with the feelings her situ churns up, she off loads then i am full of all these awful images and thoughts and emotions. It is starting to effect my family too as im stressed about it. I have started a letter to her, along the lines of 'i love you but dont think im helping the situ and i dont know what to do any more. The dcs are always welcome....' makes me feel guilty tho and i worry that she'll react badly and shut off totally...

I think that's a good decision. You've been a wonderful friend to her, but she has been a shit friend to you. There's a difference between being caring and helpful and being a mug, and you're straying dangerously into mug territory by continuing to allow her to upset you and use you. If she does choose to shut off, that's her decision, and you can't do anything about it. She's a grown adult who should be taking care of her children.

In your position I would probably be more forceful in the letter. I would say that I was delighted about the new baby but sad to see another child being brought into such a violent household. I would also say that if she contacts me in future then it should be with a firm plan to leave.

I would hate to be in your shoes, it's so tough, but you have done the absolute best you can, and she has made her choice.

Stats say that women experience 23 incidents before fleeing. She is still in there. It is imperative that she have somewhere to go. One day she won't go back and she needs a safe option.

THAT SAID it doesn't ALL have to be you. Boundary, for your self preservation, and don't feel guilty. Next time she turns up on your doorstep, ring the cops and they will invoke social services. For now, button up and take care of yourself for a few days.

If nothing else, you are allowed to stop letting him into your home and your family events. Give the wife-beating bully the cold shoulder he so richly deserves. It's up to her if she wants to stick it out but it is totally unreasonable for her to expect you to be complicit in her denial of what he's really like.