Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

there's a certain man I like

22 replies

whatsthatabout · 21/02/2012 22:58

I have posted before about this and got some good advice, just want another rant/some advice I hope.
I separated from H last year and really fell for another guy in work at this time, and I sort of came onto him flirting, eye contact etc etc. He was up for it and give this back some days and then at other times, he was cool and aloof with me. To be honest we've been dancing around each other like this since last summer, playing games. I was getting obsessed on him and that's not healthy I know. Its been incredibly thrilling, but also downright adolescent. Doesn't help that I haven't have sex since splitting from H last year so deeply frustrated too
Anyway I have been trying to give up the idea, ignore him, only to have him go out of his way to pay me attention. I'm still so attracted to him, but I really think he is playing me as he must know how I feel about him. God I feel about 12!!
I'm not leaving work as I need and love my job. I'm now so annoyed because I started this stupid thing and it won't go away. I would still have him though if it was on offer
A work colleague told me he was married, probably explains his behaviour, but there's no other evidence to this, i.e. wears no ring, nothing on his fb etc etc.
Any ideas how do I get over this obsession?

OP posts:

sternface · 22/02/2012 11:28

I think he's married and so when the flirting gets too intense, he backs off because it frightens him and he doesn't want to jump in the fire. But the fact that you've had this obsessional 'relationship' with him and you haven't asked him outright tells its own story. Either you don't want to know so that you can't be blamed if this goes further, or this friendship is built on nothing more than lust and idealism.

It's not all doom and gloom though. It shows you're ready to try again with men.

Just not this one and preferably not someone at work either.

Yousaidwhattt · 22/02/2012 11:32

I don't know what advice you expect?

You would still have him if you knew it was on offer?

I predict a lot of responses telling you to get over yourself.

Worldwithwings · 22/02/2012 12:58

I have every sympathy with how you feel but you need to be certain about his marital status. If he is married you are likely to be badly hurt and you need to keep yourself safe especially since you work with him. I think obsessive feeling can easily arise from buried emotions in a marriage and it may be that you are also picking up some of his longings as well as feeling your own. Be really really careful.

FabbyChic · 22/02/2012 13:13

If he was that interested you would have seen him outside of work by now, he is only wanting flirting nothing else. Get yourself a man you can see outside of work. Cut the flirting back to nothing.

EirikurNoromaour · 22/02/2012 13:18

He's married, back off and stop being a twat.

EirikurNoromaour · 22/02/2012 13:19

My DH doesn't wear a ring (lost it) and his fb still says he is single after we split last year. That doesn't mean anything.

Paiviaso · 22/02/2012 13:30

You need to leave this well alone if he is married.

hisgentletouch · 22/02/2012 13:39

OP, why are you so coy with him? be more assertive and ask him whether he's married (or say 'I've heard you were married, so I'm sorry I didn't know and flirted with you'). If he's not married, and says he liked the firting, then ask is it's JUST the flirting he wants . If you say it in humorous smiley way, it will be light hearted and no big deal whatever the answers.

Florabeebaby · 22/02/2012 18:48

My DH never wears a ring, doesn't like it.

If he is married, stay well away. Nothing good will happen.

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 22/02/2012 19:34

thanks for all your honest advice. God I know how pathetic it sounds, I haven't felt or acted like this since I was about 20. Probably this is why it is such a thrill for me , and I reason that no-one's been hurt and they won't be. Think I had some sort of emotional break down or something last year when I separated and I really came onto this bloke , think I probably scared him and well as excited him, and he's cautious of me-probably thinks I'm a psycho emotionally unstable. I know that he thought I was still married up to a couple weeks ago and I thought this was why he was cautious too.
sternface yes I'm afraid to know his status so I haven't asked. hisgentletouch will think about being more direct with him, but he's so subtle, I don't want to come across all bunny boiler again.

OP posts:

sternface · 22/02/2012 20:45

Yes but what are you going to do if you find out he's married and is keen to pursue this with you? Pretend you don't know?

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 22/02/2012 21:05

Before all this I never so much thought about another man other than the one I was with and then things got fked up, I really don't know the answer to that sternface I'm sorry, I didn't think of myself as a slapper morally uncertain person before.

OP posts:

Worldwithwings · 22/02/2012 21:49

You could use your feelings for him as a guide for the kind of things you might look for in another man. He won't be unique. I think we are all vulnerable to this situation and it's not about moral judgements. I am certain you will find someone who is free but with similar qualities. Aside from morals, from a self-preservation perspective you need to be careful. If he is married, once these things are acted on they have an addictive quality.

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 22/02/2012 22:08

thank you world for your reflective and non-judgemental post. The problem is I have been very impulsive about my feelings like a child, I want and I should get, and not thought about consequences at all. Now I do feel stupid and embarrassed about how I've behaved as I've to see this man most days. But his response is unique I think in that he's not taken the piss/told everyone, but he is ongoing interested in me, otherwise I would be trying harder to get over this.

OP posts:

Worldwithwings · 22/02/2012 22:19

It's great that he's not taken the piss or shamed you. If he is free then maybe he is a great possibility. You don't deserve to be embarrassed. But you need to know if he is available. If he isn't you may get what you want in the short term but in the long run face dire consequences. I think that the desire of someone married can be removed from real life, very seductive if we long for that, but not possible in practical terms. It would be a hard lesson in disappointment for you and you deserve to have someone who can love you freely. It's especially risky because you have to worm with him and so you'd face the consequences every day. Longing to be loved, valued and desired is a natural human wish.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/02/2012 22:20

It does seem strange that you have been flirting with him for this long and yet have no idea whether he is married or not. You said that last year you came onto him in a big way last year. Well to be honest if he was married and not interested in playing around that would have been the time you would have expected him to say something about being married! However, this is a long time to be living on tenterhooks. Can't you make some sort of jokey remark about whether he got any valentines cards and see what he says?!

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 22/02/2012 23:03

world I know I need to face reality with this bloke, I've been living in a wee fantasy bubble for so long probably a reaction to life not so good and feeling lost and lonely without a man
cherries great idea to try thanks for taking time to read and respond xx

OP posts:

sternface · 22/02/2012 23:58

Sorry, but I think you do know what you'd do if he was married and tried it on with you. You'd say yes. Not because you're a 'slapper' (horrible phrase for a woman with a normal sexual appetite) but because you're a bit selfish and needy and think you deserve some fun. But you like to think of yourself as a nice person and is why you'd like to keep pretending to yourself he's not married. A few months into what would develop as an affair, you'd keep a straight face while you told your friends "ooh, I didn't know he was married!"

Treat yourself better than this. You're not stupid and you seem like a good person at heart. Never ever give yourself permission though, to ruin some other poor woman's life (and his for that matter, but at least he has the choice.)

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 23/02/2012 19:14

food for thought stern I do appreciate your honesty. I have been cutting back on any contact with him and will have to check out his status for sure. No more sticking my head in the sand. The last thing I want to do is to wreck someone's else's marriage/life.

OP posts:

hisgentletouch · 23/02/2012 19:20

honestly why can't you ask him if he's married, just in a casual way??
it would be silly if you stopped and then discovered he wasn't married. Though of course if he was interested, he would've asked you out by now, he can see you are interested, unless he's still recovering from divorce or extremely shy..

Original poster

whatsthatabout · 23/02/2012 21:04

hisgentletouch its all gotten so obsessive in my head that I think I'm totally paranoid that if I ask him directly he'll think I'm gagging for it desperate, again! Think I just want to back off and get a bit of breathing space.
Really have done my own asking around/checking out and I know he's lived with an older couple until last year so where's the wife/partner? If any! Only verification comes from this other colleague who wouldn't make this up, he must of told her!! See how I've been tying myself in knots!
He's not that shy and knew I was into him, in my heart I believe he's not available or he would have made a move. Thanks anyway!

OP posts:

hisgentletouch · 23/02/2012 21:28

could be long-separated then. Either they don't want to divorce, or it's prolonged being non-consetual. If she's after a lot of money from him, that can also be lengthy!
Yes, if he's not shy, definetely leave it to him. Unfortunately in majority of cases it works much better when a man asks (unless unusually shy), if we are talking not just flings!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread