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Original poster

Will my young DCs have a happy childhood if I divorce my h?

15 replies

bumbums · 21/02/2012 12:04

I think I am convincing myself that my marraige is over. H would have to change a lot and put in a lot of effort to heal our relationship. I'm not sure he would want to either.
I think we would have called it a day sooner if it weren't for the children.

I desperately wanted my children to have the happy and secure childhood that I did. I'm so sad that they might not.

How scarring is it for kids when their parents decide they don't love each other anymore and break up the family unit? I couldn't bear to break their hearts.

Going to give h an ultimatum. Counselling or divorce.

What do you think?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 21/02/2012 12:10

I think there is never any guarantee that dc will have a happy childhood, you just have to do the best you reasonably can in the circumstances in which you find yourself.

How old are they?

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 12:10

My DSSs are happy and secure. They have had a more enriching childhood, by far, thanks to their parents' divorce. If you ask them whether they would prefer their parents never to have split up, and thereby not had the childhood they did, they are very hard pressed to say!

maxcliffordslovechild · 21/02/2012 12:11

If you think your relationship is salvageable then go ahead with counselling but staying together for the sake of your children will cause them and both of you more emotional harm in the long run.
Two happy homes are better than one unhappy one where the parents are together for the sake of the children. IMO

Bonsoir · 21/02/2012 12:11

I do think, if you divorce, that you need to put your DCs' needs at the very top of your priorities for a long time. Do you think that you and your H could agree to live near one another until your DCs leave school so that they can see each parent regularly?

Original poster
bumbums · 21/02/2012 12:13

Will be a painful year I think. Thanks for your sense.

OP posts:
lynniep · 21/02/2012 12:22

You know you can't guarantee a happy childhood. but you can guarantee that children pick up the vibes of an unhappy relationship between parents.

Speaking as one who had a not-abnormal but certainly not 'DMummy & DDaddy' upbringing, I can say that on the whole I had an extremely happy childhood. the only blips in that being when my DM tried to get custody and I knew I might have to leave my nanna and my DDad (who worked abroad, so I only saw him infrequently) and when he married the evilSM (step-mum) and I had to live with her. Fortunately he figured her out pretty quickly and I went back to my nanna. (until he married the not-evilSM LOL)

Children can cope with upheaveal. They need it explaining to them and they need reassurance, but they can cope. What they cant cope with is undertones of something 'not-right' and no-one telling them whats going on. Because they make up lots of nasty things in their heads which are usually far worse than reality.

But if you think counselling will help - go for it - the worst that can happen is that a) makes no difference b) helps make your mind up one way or the other.

x

Original poster
bumbums · 21/02/2012 14:43

DS is 5 in May and DD 3 in March. I would stay where we are as I have a great group of friends here.

H's best mate moved to our town to take a job at same company that h works for so I think he'd be happy to stay around. He's a fantastic Dad so I'd want the kids to see him as much as practically possible.

Have to wonder what other man will want me now that I am older with saggy boobs and belly and 2 young children?? I get very lonely.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/02/2012 15:12

Have to wonder what other man will want me now that I am older with saggy boobs and belly and 2 young children?? I get very lonely.

Way too early to be worried about that! Although I understand where that fear comes from.

You are a wonderful and beautiful woman, and any man would be lucky to have you in his life. The day you believe that is the day you can happily start dating again.

Coping with the loneliness, and overcoming it, is one of the things that will get you there.

wordfactory · 21/02/2012 15:14

I think that except in very extreme cases most DC wold much prefer their parents to remain together. Be under no illusions that the road ahead willbe hard for them especially if it includes step parents.

However, the fact that your DC would prefer you not to does not mean you shoudl remain married if you are very unhappy. You have only one life.

Flisspaps · 21/02/2012 15:47

Your children can absolutely have a happy childhood if you and DH decide to divorce. I'm not saying they will - but then living with two adults who aren't happy isn't going to give them that either.

Particularly if the alternative is you staying together - unhappily and not in love - which they will pick up on.

My parents divorced when I was 6, DB was 4 and DSis was 2. Best thing they ever did. There was no abuse, no screaming, no shouting - just one of them wasn't happy and never would be. My childhood was certainly no Enid Blyton story, but I am forever thankful that they didn't soldier on for our sakes and effectively make a lie of our childhood.

If they had, I think I'd feel guilty now that they'd wasted the best years of their lives being unhappy 'for us' when at least by splitting up when they did they both had the chance to go out and find love and happiness elsewhere - and as far as I'm concerned, that can't be a bad thing for anyone.

Worldwithwings · 21/02/2012 15:55

DH and I separated last year. DC (6&7) seem very contented and have adapted to the situation very easily. I do fear the time when there may be new partners but we're not there yet. My ex and I remain friends and the kids seem to accept that and the atmosphere remains easy. My ex and I grew apart over years with a growing sense of dissatisfaction. I sometimes wondered if I should have tried harder/ pretended for longer but I agree with others who say kids pick up on this. But just to warn you I found breaking up the family extremely painful for a long time. But it is easing.. Good luck!

Original poster
bumbums · 21/02/2012 17:26

Am praying DH agrees to councelling.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 21/02/2012 17:37

I think it's how you manage a divorce that matters - if it's full of anger, bitterness in front of them or the children are used as weapons in it, then of course it can be really damaging. But if the couple keep it amicable and do their best to put the dc first, not the parents' own hurt, then the outcome's quite different.

Confuseddd · 21/02/2012 17:44

Hi Bumbums, hope you are okay. There is a really interesting podcast here about doing a 'good' divorce www.regallygraceful.com/386/marriage-insights-from-a-divorce-lawyer/

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