When will I stop feeling like this? It's so painful.

[Milkandlotsofwineplease]

Hi all.

I've posted about this a few times, and I wouldn't blame you at all for rolling your eyes, and turning over. I'm just in such a state, and I don't know where to turn.

Long story short I moved to London in July, leaving my DP of nearly 5 years behind. We had been having loads of issues, and on reflection I honestly think I just wasn't thinking straight, or taking ownership of my life and responsibilities as an adult (I'm 33 now)

Deep down I thought we would somehow work things through (like I say not thinking straight) He was coming down to visit me, we were sleeping together etc. In December I decided enough was enough, and that we needed to sort things out. So I got the train back home North on the spur of the moment to see him.

When I got back he refused to see me. No matter how much I begged, he just point blank refused. He said he had to concentrate on himself for time being (he's been made redundant) I was utterly hysterical, as I never though he would ever turn his back on me like that.

I didn't hear from him again until I got back to London. He sent me a text asking 'Are you OK?' I was too distraught to answer it to be honest. Instead I waited until I had calmed down and sent him an email saying that I was sorry he didn't want to see me anymore, that I loved him very much, but that I would leave him alone if that was what he wanted. He responded by ringing my mobile (I missed calls because at work) Then he text-ed me asking when I was up for Christmas. When I answered he just replied 'Hope you have a great Christmas' (wtf?). Then said he was out for a drink with his boss who had just made him redundant. I literally didn't know how to respond so I just left it. Thinking if he was out drinking he might end up saying things he didn't mean anyway.

Since then I've heard nothing from him. Nothing at Christmas, my birthday (boxing day), or New Years. I know he clearly doesn't want me anymore, and that he's probably got someone else. It just hurts so, so much. I've screwed everything up, and now it's too late to make it right again. It sounds pathetic but I spend most of the time feeling physically ill at the fact I've lost him and through him his family who I adored. It's my day off work, and I'm just wandering around my flat feeling sick, and tearful. I've stopped talking about it to my friends because I know it's probably boring them to death.

So what do I do? How do I get over it? People tell me he wasn't good enough for me etc, but that makes no difference. Not when I know I've screwed up, and ruined everything. I feel such an idiot for being so immature, I should have worked harder to save things. Now I have to live with the consequences of what I have done, and it just hurts SO bloody much!

'I never though he would ever turn his back on me like that'... he probably never thought you'd turn your back on him like that.

You could try writing to him one more time, apologising for how badly you've treated him - moving away, then still sleeping him, then expecting him to be around whenever you want him to be. Tell the story to yourself with a man playing your role and imagine what kind of a flaming he'd get on here.... After 5 years you've really messed him around.

If you don't want to write, or don't get the answer you want (or any answer). Then you need to start to move on. It might be worth getting some counselling for yourself to understand why you have behaved the way you have - do you have some 'ideal' life or relationship in your mind that drove you to break up something that you did value? Learn your lessons now.

In my defense I would never have come to London if he had asked me to stay. If he had just once turned round and said 'I can't live without you' I would have stayed, and tried to work things out.

I did try, and save the relationship. I even bought books about how to fix relationships, and tried to put it into practice. Sadly he has issues with drinking (coming in hammered, wetting the bed etc) and I developed a stupid crush on someone else as I felt so totally overwhelmed with everything. It was all so silly, and I just regret it all so much.

Also with regards to wanting him around whenever I wanted. We did agree beforehand that he would come to visit. I also paid for the majority of his train tickets to do so because I missed him so much.

I know I've fucked up. I'm sitting here in tears yet again over it. Maybe I should write to him again, and beg him to give me another chance. I just want us to be happy again like we used to be. But he asked me to leave him alone, so surely it's fairer to respect his wishes? I feel so terrifyingly lost without him, like I can't function. It's pathetic, and my friends just look at me like I'm mad when I try and explain it to them.

Perhaps I should just accept he doesn't want me anymore. That I've ruined everything, and that I need to try and move on with what remains of my life.

I did similar to you when I was younger.... you do get over it, you have to really, because life is too short to spend the rest of your days regretting the past and decisions that you have made. You cant turn the clock back, but you can move forwards and hopefully you will meet someone new, and look back without it hurting as much.

Leave him be now, he probably still hurts too, and even if you had stayed, there is no way of guaranteeing that the relationship would have lasted longer anyway.

I can see me being the same as you milk. Regret is a really sickening feeling. It can eat away at you. I would hate to leave things when i wasnt sure and then spend god knows how many months/years wondering if one last clear headed attempt would've helped.

Do you feel there is any milage in one last try to contact him? Maybe ring him and very calmly and kindly ask for a meeting with him. Somewhere neutral perhaps. Then once you are face to face you can work out the situation with him one way or the other and get an idea of his true feelings. Then move on if needs be.

Good luck with this.

what sounds frightening to me in your posts is not that you have ruined your life (you haven't) but that you think you have. You are not an extension of this man, and his absence or presence in your life does not change your worth as a person.

Feelings are not facts. Try to hold onto that. You say you feel lost, like you can't function. But you can, it's just a feeling and feelings come and go. There will be good feelings again just as there will be bad feelings. He is not in control of those feelings though any more than you currently are - getting back with him will not fix you, and you will not fix him. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but I really wish you the best from life.

A man is not the answer, even a man you love very much. Having enough self-love to know that you are ok, no matter what, is much, much more important. I think this would be a good time to step back from any romantic relationship and spend some time figuring out how to like yourself and enjoy yourself more, with or without him. Try relate, but go on your own - or another counselling service, or even CODA (co-dependents anonymous) if you want to try something totally free for a while. When you know exactly what you have to offer someone (and what you're not prepared to compromise on) someone amazing will come along... then you'll more than likely get the lovely 'you complete me' feeling without the dreadful fuck I need you so badly feeling that you're describing right now.

good luck - don't email him!

misty0 I really want to try and contact him, but everyone is telling me not too, and I'm so confused.

He wouldn't see me when I traveled from London to Sunderland to see him. I'm terrified of trying to get in touch, and him rejecting me again. He was so incredibly cold, and cruel when I asked to see him that time. Despite the fact he had only been in London with me 2 weeks previously.

I think he's found someone else, but I don't know if I can handle actually hearing that from him mouth. I'm going home to visit in a few weeks, maybe I should ask if he will see me then? My mother, and friends keep telling me he isn't good enough, worth the heartbreak etc. But they don't have to live my life, and feel as dreadful as I do. It's easy for other people to tell you it will 'Get better'. I'm not so sure. I'd do anything to make him happy if he would give me another chance.

I hear you OP. Firstly - its not about pleasing your friends and family. I'm sure they will still be there for you whether or not you take their advice this time. Dont add to your worries by stressing about their feelings too!

I can only say how i would feel ... If it was me in your situation i would want to try to get a converstaion out of him. If indeed it is all over between you in his eyes then you'll know that its time to move on and that ulitmately there was never a situation where you and he were at oposite ends of the country wishing the other would say/do something to heal the rift.

This, for me, would make the process of getting over him alot easier. I just hate and dread the 'not knowing' or 'regretting doing nothing' feeling above all else i think.

chocoraisin Yes, there is a lot of truth in what you say. It is all about perception. I perceive myself as being 'incapable' without my DP. Yet I have moved to a new City, made new friends, and done lot's of things I didn't think I would be capable of doing 9 months ago!

I suppose I'm so used to getting his feedback/opinion on everything, that without it I feel lost. A good friend of mine commented last year on how I hang (or did hang) on my DP's every word. Even when he was 'Talking bollocks' (her words, not mine btw)

I suppose I do want to 'fix him'. He has so much anger for some reason. I could never work out why as he has a loving family etc. He never seemed happy, or satisfied. No matter how often I told him I loved him, how gorgeous he was etc.

I am just so hurt that he is rewriting history 'You ran away and left me', without any mention of the fact I asked him to come with me repeatedly.

I've never heard of CODA. I will look them up now. I often worry that I have a Co-dependent personality. In fact up until recently I thought everyone was like me. It's only since I've moved to London, and gotten out in the world more that I've realized they don't! My flatmate commented yesterday that she would like to 'Do a study of me' because I'm so emotional

Oh and I've followed your thread with interest btw, and I would just like to say what a wonderfully strong, and amazing woman you are. I am truly in awe of your bravery.

So... has he sorted out his drink and anger issues? It sounds like you've spent a lot of time and energy trying to 'fix' this man (and you must know that you can't fix other people, they can only fix themselves) and made entirely the right decision in leaving him and coming to London.

Maybe worth a few counsellor visits to discuss why you're still so hung up on him, when it sounds like your family and friends are bang on the money when they say he's not worthy of you?

London is the perfect place to try out CODA if you think it sounds like you'd be interested. There's bound to be heaps of people who are into it there. Also try googling self esteem workshops and stuff like that (there are bound to be loads in London). I used to live there and the opportunities to try cool stuff are practically boundless! I miss London life... embrace it, enjoy yourself! When you feel whole and happy you will be so ready for a great relationship, and may even realise that the one you are grieving for wasn't all that x

(PS thank you for the vote of confidence! :) )

chocoraisin I've looked on the CODA website, and there's actually a couple of groups that meet very near to me. I'm definitely going to look into it further. Thank you so much for the suggestion

I do love London life, and try my best to embrace it. It's just when I'm feeling so sad I want to hide in bed, and pull the covers over my head. Not everyday is like that though. I should start counting the 'good' days, not just the bad. I'm such a 'glass half empty' type of person. Really need to work on trying to overcome it.

MooncupGoddess To my knowledge, no he hasn't. In fact his last visit to London was marred by him having a total meltdown in a bar when a guy I know tried to speak to us. I knew this guy years ago at Uni, and there's nothing between us. We've been out for a drink since I came to London, but just as friends. It was awful, and afterwards it said it made him realize he is really bad for me because he can't control his anger, and just upsets me all the time

I asked him to give up drinking several times whilst we were together (he's such an awful drunk) but he never did. I really wish he would for his own sake. He once hospitalized himself falling down the stairs drunk. I worry so much that he will end up hurting himself really badly. I used to be terrified when he came home drunk, I was so scared he would fall over and injure himself.

Will shut up now because I'm babbling. I'm remembering things that are quite upsetting. We did have great times as-well. He's a wonderful guy in many ways. I get really angry with my friends/family when they call him. It just makes me feel worse.

"I should have worked harder to save things"
Why?. Why was it solely down to you, what did he do exactly to improve things between you?. You write there were loads of issues anyway, I argue this relationship you had was dying on its feet and now its over. He ruined it by his actions towards you, you did not do that.

You are not responsible for him. It is not down to you to make him happy so stop beating yourself up over him and making yourself feel worse in the process.

He is not and was not your project to rescue and or save from himself. You were and remain too good for this damaged man with alcohol issues (many of these relationships often have codepedent elements within them) and it sounds like you were enmeshed in a codependent type relationship with him. It was never going to work.

Would suggest you also read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies as it could also help you. Do attend CODA meetings as well.

You are 33 now; start loving your own self for a change and be more responsible towards you.

Remember too that you cannot help or save someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Sorry to write that but it is fact. Acting as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

Attila speaks very wise words - enjoy yourself, explore your own stuff, and if he's willing to sort himself out too, who knows what the future is going to bring. Just know that fixing him is a black hole of disappointment that could swallow you up, and working on yourself is more like walking out of a locked room into a summer meadow :) you can't change him. You can change you - good luck x