Do you think I am being pressured into sex?

[uptohere]

Namechanged, and stupidly long, Sorry!

DH and I had a big argument last night re: sex, one that keeps resurfacing but never seems to get resolved. I don?t know whether I?m in the right or wrong here, whether I?m overreacting, or what I / we can do about it.

The crux of the issue is that I feel DH puts quite a lot of pressure on me to have sex. He ?initiates? it the majority of the time: by this I mean he directly asks me either in the morning before he goes to work or pretty early on in the evening whether I?ll be ?up for it? or something along those lines, that evening (have 2 small DC so there?s a limited window of time when it is practical iyswim!). Trouble is, if I agree but then don?t feel like it / too tired x amount of hours later, he gets really huffy: gets into bed and turns over, gives one word answers if I try to talk to him and just this general air of huffiness which can last up to 2 days later. Equally, if I say no, he gets huffy anyway. So my options are?say yes and go through with it with it, regardless of how I?m feeling, or weather the strop.

Added to this, doesn?t ?do? discussions / arguments very well either, so talking about it gets us nowhere. He gets very introverted, won?t look at me and is generally not very constructive. He says I just ?go on and on?, which I suppose I do. I start off rational and calm, but when he refuses to look at me or say anything and I end up ranting out of sheer frustration (think ? staring at laptop screen while I am talking directly to him, saying ?okay I will change? in a bored / deadpan voice etc.). This is also followed by 2 days of huffy behaviour.

I?ve really pressed him on it a couple of times, and managed to drag it out of him that he feels frustrated and that I lie to him when I say yes to sex in the am and then change my mind later. I have explained that I?m not lying, but that I have to be in the mood at the time. He also says that I never initiate it (never mind the fact I did this week and last!!), but unless it?s the first bloody question I ask him in the morning I don?t see how I can! Sometimes I can talk him round to seeing it from my POV, and he promises to change / not get moody / not ask all the time, but he slips back into it. We do have sex about 1-3 times a week too, so he?s not sex-starved either.

Well done if you got the end of this!

So how can I resolve this?! Am I being unreasonable here? Please help!

Pressurising someone into sex is abusive , as is punishing someone by sulking .
I wouldnt be having sex with him at all unless this stopped . Its not nice he feels entitled to sulk at you unless you let him fuck on you .

He sounds very controlling. This behaviour is totally unjustified.

Has he ever heard of the word spontaniety?
He's obviously thinking all day about getting "it" that evening, keeps him going through a boring day at work, then when you say you are too tired, he gets the sulks!
I would flatly refuse to answer him when he asks in the morning, (tell him its not very romantic, or sexy, its more like making an appointment at the dentist)
Tell him you are more likely to be "in the mood" if he does X,Y, or Z that evening (whatever floats your boat!)

But making "an appointment" is imo a complete turnoff and puts you under pressure.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes smallwhite cat, emotional blackmail are the words that popped into my head too. I'm not sure he understands the effect his sulking has on me though. I think he internalises his frustration because he knows it would be unreasonable to be openly annoyed with me, but he is annoyed all the same, and this comes over as sulking.

I will add somewhat in defence that in all other respects he really is lovely, supportive, funny, the lot! We have a lovely life together and the DC, but this sex thing is really starting to overshadow things for me. Certainly any pleasure I get out of sex is being steadily diminished.

Great advice oldwoman. YY to appointment at the dentist thing!