Honest, Blunt opinions wanted on DP's Facebook antics

[WhyAmINotConvinced]

So last night I went to bed before DP. Couldn't sleep so grabbed his laptop (as mine was downstairs) and went to Facebook. His account automatically logged in so naturally I went to log out. A message then popped up from HIM to this other woman from his work. Therefore it became obvious that he was on my laptop downstairs and I was seeing a "real time" conversation going on. Still I went to log off but noticed this message as I did so and it read something about "well you know what they say about the quiet ones lol" and I was intrigued and so read a bit further up the convo which started talking about what hours they were both working next week. All innocent sounding, not concerned at this point. It moves on to him asking about a word-do she went to but he didn't, she said it wasn't that good and DP said that's why he doesn't go to them. THEN he says he was "out around "old town" with his mate last weekend and it was great" (Old Town is notorious for blokes going out on the pull, he DID go but told me it was shit and resembled a cattle market but to her it says it was "great!"). What bugs me about this bit is that he was out around old town two weeks ago, last weekend he was with ME on a night out - yet no mention of that.
He then goes on to tell her that he's "off around York next weekend" - here he's clearly implying that he's out "with the lads around York" when in reality he's going around York with ME. She obviously reads it in the way he intended and replies "cool, party animal!" to which he responds with the "You know what they say about the quiet ones lol". He then tells her he puts on a persona at work and he's not really like that.
THEN he moves on to say that he's "off around old town" on the 10th March (he hasn't mentioned this to me, probably because he told me he'd never go around there again) with his mates - here he seems to be building up to inviting her along or at least making it obvious where "The action" will be (or am I reading too much into it?) and then he goes off line (as she doesn't reply for a while but after he logs off she does indeed reply, not sure if he's seen that yet).

So what do you make of that then???

So I don't drip feed - I also looked at a convo he had with his mates about this "old town night" where he said to one that there was some "fit birds" out and he didnt know where to look and it was great and then to another mate he said he'd drank a full bottle of wine before he went out (LIE! he had a small glass!!) and his mate said about when DP was "looking at that lass" and DP replied "no suprise there then haha, it was great"

Ok I know blokes like to play that "Ladz" act when together but he's 37 and not only acting like a single 20 year old but with these messages to this woman as well I'm starting to wonder what he's really upto. I've also noticed that he has instigated this 10th March night out which is REALLY unlike him and he's specifically tried to get everyone to go back to Old Town.

So firstly - what's with the facebook messages to the woman? innocent or not?
Secondely - is it normal for blokes to show off to each other at this age like this about women and drink?

(i don't normally nosy at his facebook thing, only because this message popped up in front of me and this convo led me to see what really went on around 'old town' that night)

Not sure if there's anything to be suspicious about but good grief he sounds pathetic and immature. I wouldn't have much respect for an adult acting like that.

He sounds like a total loser.

Why doesnt he mention me when he speaks to women? There is another convo where he's talking to a woman who gone travelling (from work) and again, no mention of me in the "what I've been upto lately" discussion.

Being charitable, maybe he's having a mid life crisis?

I'd certainly be a bit suspicious of these chats and these trips round town.
What would happen if you arranged something for the 10th as obviously you haven't been told of his plans?

Maybe it's just DH & I but any plans, even for solo nights out, are made as a couple; so I would say to DH or he'd say to me, "I'd like a night out with friends - either on x, y or z date", he'd check his calendar and either say "fine" or "I'm working that weekend remember" (I have a terrible memory!) and then I'd ask friends - or if I'm invited out, it would be a case of provisionally saying that it sounded fine, but I'd have to check that DH was okay with it in terms of no other plans.

It does sound like your DH doesn't really consult you on these plans.

It sounds like he may be trying to re-capture a sense of freedom and youth.

I'd be p'd off with it all tbh.

Not sure what i'd do in your situation OP. I'd be very tempted to be totally honest and tell him everything you know, how you feel, and that you'll be organising a few nights out with the girls in the near future.

However, hopefully there will be better, more constructive advice than that along here soon.

No I know why he wants to go out, I've just realised I told him I was going out that weekend to celebrate my exams with my friends. So he'll be doing his usual "shit, can't have her having fun without me" thing. Childcare isn't an issue.

I'm torn between telling him his facebook antics are dodgy to letting it run and see how far he goes with it.

flying Thats how we manage it too. Often if we go out with friends we get a sitter so we can both go out as we dont get all that many weekends off.

It does sound as if he is trying to act like a lad about town to this woman and his mates,trying to make out hes a bit of a party animal and a ladies man.
If it were my dh id tell him what i read and take the piss out of him mercilessly He will probably admit he is play acting but he needs to grow up.

Another face book problem though.

Seeing how far he goes is only going to hurt you OP.

If his behaviour is upsetting you now you have a right to voice your feelings. It would be upsetting me.

Maybe I am a little biased due to past experiences but alarm bells would be ringing for me ... He's deliberately trying to portray himself as young free and capable of living a single life - when he's with you. My ex husband did the same about 6 months before telling me he was leaving. He started flirting with girls on facebook from work, going out with people from work all the time when it had never interested him before... My now partner had similar issues with his ex like this too. Now we just keep facebook for close friends and family. Its such a trauma. I'd be worried, but that's just me I guess.

She's sent him another message this morning saying something trivial so ill see how he replies

I'm torn on this one. One the one hand if I found out my DH was reading my Facebook conversations (spying on me) when it seemed as innocent as this does, then I'd be fucking furious, and actually that might be a dealbreaker for me depending on what the rest of the relationship was like.

On the other hand, you seem to think there could be more to it. The reason I say that is that if I read what you read, I'd take the piss mercilessly out of my DH and it wouldn't occur to me to monitor any further conversations between them.

Does he have form?

He sounds like an immature twat, that's for sure, but it's not ringing alarm bells with me re:infidelity.

If he was really happy in the relationship then tbh he wouldn't be portraying himself as free and single. It will only.escalate more so if it were me I would confront him, then chuck him... coz once he is caught out, he ain't gonna stop... he will just try harder to conceal what he is up to. Like create a fake account etc. My hubby n I don't go out separately.... we go out as a couple.... i wouldn't enjoy myself as much tbh if he weren't there as he is my best friend. If I wanna catch up with the girls, I go shopping with them or round to each others for a cuppa. Everyone is diff though.... but ur DP is acting like an immature wank stain and u have every right to be pissed off!

It sounds to me as if he's trying to promote a 'cool' persona that he doesn't feel, he sounds very insecure. I don't think that he's trying to arrange anything with this woman or any other - he's just trying to bolster his own ego and present a facade of a man's man who is free to come and go... if he's given you no outward signs of not being attentive to you then I wouldn't see this as anything to worry about.

He's had ample opportunity to make arrangements - and hasn't. He's just being silly... at the moment anyway.

How you deal with this is up to you. If it were me I'd probably have a wistful converation with husband about how things used to be so much more exciting without the pressures of life, etc. maybe if he realises that you were also young and 'hip' in your day he'll see his silliness for what it is. Either that or I'd say something like, "Oi... what am I? Chopped liver? Saw your facebook by accident... no problem with you talking to whoever you like but if you pretend I don't exist, maybe one day I won't - I'll find a hunky specimen myself.."

I don't know, OP, but no alarm bells ringing for me based on what you've posted.

Normally I wouldn't read his Facebook but he DOES have form for this kind of thing, he's done it before and I don't believe he has innocent intentions. Sorry but if a person proves they can't be trusted, they can't then complain that they're not trusted.
I've just been on his facebook to see that he's desperately trying to arrange a night out in Old Town for THIS Friday night now. Don't know what the hell is up with him lately.

I have no idea what to think of this one. If it was me I would be sitting tight for a while and quietly watching what's going on.
I would be booking a meal/ party at the house/ theatre anything for this Friday and same for the 10th March Weekend away even if it means taking the kids.

I would be then watching his reaction.

Then I would be posting here again for my next move!!!!

That's kind of the problem upahill, I can't really confront him now because what am I going to say "ooh you're talking to a girl!" or "oooh you're arranging nights out!" - he's "allowed" to do these things and he'll just make me look deranged if I question it but I know there is something dodgy about his behaviour here. Why is he not mentioning these nights outs to me? why does he specifically not mention me when he's talking to this woman?
If it had been me I would've said "yeah and I'm off to York with DP this weekend" and not try and make out as if he didn't exist.

I'm going to keep a watch on it and wait for him to really fuck up.

OMG I have no idea if he's about to go into the "giving himself permission to have an affair" stage, but Jeez he sounds implacably stupid.

Can you not get him to join a library and read some improving books, or do an evening class where he has to use his brain?

That might give him something interesting to think and talk about. And might make him a more interesting companion for you. I think some people are so thick that they get bored and need to introduce excitement like flirting with their colleagues - which may lead to affairs - to make themselves less bored.

Sounds like he's one of those. Sorry but you did ask for brutal and honest.

Ah, just read your latest post.

Go with your gut instinct -it's there for a reason.

If you think there's something up with this, then you are probably right. Trust your instincts.

Why is he not mentioning these nights outs to me? why does he specifically not mention me when he's talking to this woman?

Some (insecure) men think that if they confess to loving another women for the long haul then they'll get ripped by their colleagues and suffer embarrassment. It's stupid and childish, but there is a certain pressure on guys to be "cool" etc, which means you need to look like a "lad" which is what it looks like he's doing here. I'd be more worried that he's so insecure he feels he has to go along with such patheticness than that he might be cheating on you.

When I say booking a meal/ theatre/ weekend away I mean for the both of you.
I would be dropping it into conversation pretty quick. 'Hey, Y'know this Friday I have booked us a table at ......' then if I was feeling peevish I may say ' fancy going round the Old Town after, see what's going down'

My Dh is about fb even though I keep offering to set it up for him. Might not mention it again after reading your post why