When does it start to feel any better?

[TheThunderboltKid]

I think I am probably a bit rubbish as I am sure most people have moved on by now. XH moved out several months ago after my discovering his affair a few months before that. We have a generally amicable relationship and especially in terms of the children. No issues with access and money is also fine.

In a lot of ways being on my own is a lot better. But I still am sad. I think I am sad for what would/could have been and what was. I hate knowing that he loves someone else now (and it must be love I think as she is still with her P so it's not like it's some easy thing). I hate it that the children have met her and seem to get on with her, even though I would rather they had a good relationship with her than not. DC seem to think that he moved out because he wanted to live somewhere different and because I didn't want him here. I feel at 8 and 6 they don't need to know about their Daddy loving someone that isn't me and anyway it's up to him what he wants to say but it still hurts.

I work doing various jobs and mostly keep myself busy. Am useless at going to bed in good time (hence being up now).

I realise I am just crap really and tbh don't expect to get replies. Am seeing a counsellor which helps. But I would like to know that I can manage to get over it. Having to see him for child passing over and also him babysitting here while I do voluntary work once a week is hard. Would sometimes like to fast forward a few years as really I feel this all hurts a bit too much :(

A few months is nothing. I am sorry, but it takes time. Don't make it worse by being hard on yourself for not getting over it 'quickly' enough.

Took me about a year to feel normal and another year to start feeling happy. I don't want to make you feel worse by saying that! I am sure some people can move on more quickly and I hope you are one.

But there is no set time so don't beat yourself up.

Te sleep thing is really important, I should have gone to bed an hour ago and will hate myself in the morning. Try to eat and sleep well and look after yourself. It does get better.

Thank you for replying.

When I said a few months it has actually been 10 months since XH moved out. So I do feel a bit more that I should be getting somewhere. I ebb and flow a bit and I suppose that days when I have had to see him are worse (today was one of them of course).

Am thinking of taking up going to bed earlier for Lent - tonight is particularly late but is very rare for me to be asleep by midnight. I know it isn't good but I still keep doing it. Will get there eventually I suppose.

I suppose I must be a bit better as I don't cry all the time now but I would like to feel a bit more better I suppose.

OP I am so sorry that you are feeling so upset.

You have suffered such a huge, emotional trauma and it is not surprising that you are still shell-shocked from the events!

Don't expect to get back to "normal" as you have been cruelly rocketed out of your old life and things were taken out of your control.

Hope that you will be able to get some peace from the turmoil! Take care of yourself and am hoping that you will be able to have a good night's sleep soon!

Very best wishes, x

I think the problem is that everyone else has 'moved on' after only a couple of months and they don't see why you can't too. Well, you can't, because you've been through one of the most horrible and traumatic things that can happen to a person - you have lost the future you hoped for and the past you shared has also been tainted by what has happened.

IT DOES GET BETTER. I used to cry A LOT until about 2am and this went on for what seemed like forever, but I don't any more. Every now and again I have a little wobble, but that is usually because I am tired and/or hungry.

Never be ashamed of feeling upset. I read some stupid self help book that said 'healthy' grieving was only 12-18 months so then I started thinking I wasn't 'healthy' as I was still getting upset after that time. What absolute nonsense.

As long as you aren't spending too much time ruminating and wallowing, I think whatever grief you have is your grief and not something you should feel guilty about.

I hope you will feel better after a good sleep.

OP, I just wanted to post too - not because I have anything really to add to all the wise words, but because I really sympathise. It takes time, and all you can do is take one day at a time. I used to pat myself on the back mentally each time I'd got through a day. And then slowly I realised that I didn't need to do it any more...

Hugs, and more hugs. You'll be happy again, I absolutely promise.

Thank you everyone who has posted - has actually made me cry a teeny bit but in a good sort of way.

Should have been having counselling session today but counsellor had to cancel (am trying to be realistic and that it is not the world out to get me ). I think part of the problem is that I still haven't accepted that our relationship is over and I suppose that until I do I can't grieve properly. Or something like that.

I think also the fact that it isn't linear doesn't help - I sort of thought it would be awful and then keep getting a little better all the time - but there are times when it is OK and then times when it is crap and it doesn't go smoothly. But at the end of the day I suppose I am still here albeit plodding along and the DC are OK as well.

Hi, it is like a bereavement, which takes as long as it takes. I don't think there's any such thing as a time limit on a "healthy" bereavement as all circumstances are different.

It may be worthwhile talking to your GP about how you feel as well as pursuing the counselling - it does sound as though you might be suffering from depression rather than just feeling low.

The fact that you have held it all together and your DC are fine is a great tribute to you, and an achievement in itself after the trauma you have been through. When a long-term relationship ends in this way feelings of sadness, powerlessness and loneliness are understandable. I have a dear friend going through exactly the same as you are going through right now.

Have you thought about starting a course of home study which you could do in the evenings? Something to fill that gap once the DC have gone to bed might help you - I know that's when my friend feels it most. It might also help to give you a bit of direction and enthusiasm, which can help you think more positively about your future.

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head about it not being linear - that is what tripped me up. I remember getting cross at the end of the first year thinking WHY am I not feeling so much better. What had happened of course was that Christmas set me back. But then by spring I had a big surge forward, dipped back again on my birthday, etc, etc.

but each time the falling backs got less and the surging forwards got more.

One thing I have found helpful is when I come accross an 'inspirational quote' I write it down in a little book.

I liked - don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides.

Letting go is not getting rid of. Letting go is letting be.

you could try a book called divorce recovery workbook
took me a couple of years (at least)
don't be hard on yourself! good luck

p.s. book on amazon - sorry, no good at links

A couple of months is nothing at all. Think you are expecting a lot from yourself. It's completely understandable and normal to feel sad. The world as you knew it, even if things weren't good, has been turned upside down and now you are processing it all and trying to make a new life. Everyone deals with stuff in their own way - some might move on very quickly, others may take years. Doesn't mean one is better than the other, it's just how it is. We're all different. Like with bereavement, some people want to talk and reminice straight away, about the person who has just died, others can't bear to talk about that person for years. Things WILL get better in time. Hang on in there. Hugs and more hugs.

so sorry you are going through this
. I'm a year on from my STBXH leaving and it is hard but it does get better.
I to still grieve for the life we could have had and find myself wishing I could turn back time, but I can't.
Almost a year to the day he is living with his GF and their 2 month old baby, so alot had been going on that I didn't know about. What helps me is realising that he is not the same man I married 12 years ago (that man was not a lier, cold selfish coward of a man ) unlike the man he is now. So,when I'm down I now imagine what life would be like with the man he is now and it has helped that I have found out he is a compulsive lier and he has shown his true colours now that we are trying to sort out finances/property etc. I still feel in limbo but I will get there and so will you.
Keep posting here, there are loads of us in similar positions and It helps to know your not alone xxx

I could have written your post several times last week ( was a bit hormonal!), and I'm over 2 years on! Most days I'm fine, but it only takes the odd thing to make me feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks again. It's a massive thing to go through, and to get over.

I think it's once the initial shock has worn off and everyone else starts to move on that you need extra support. It isn't a linear process at all, it's very like grief and you can expect to keep feeling lots of different emotions, sometimes all at once. Be kind to yourself, I do think other than bereavement, it must be one of the very hardest things that humans have to go through. It's painful and disruptive in every conceivable way.

Hugs to you.

Just realised you asked for some reassurance that it gets better. I promise it does. On a lighter note, I'm with a lovely DP now. We have a fantastic tropical holiday planned in a few weeks, while XH has the dc's, I have a new job, have got my home just how I want it and have made new friends.

This isn't meant to sound boasty, it's just such a far cry from being in an emotionally abusive relationship with an unfaithful XH, having the dc's on my own without help, and feeling there was nothing to look forward to. Life is infinitely easier than it was, and can change very quickly for the better, thank goodness.

Thank you again everyone - although I hate knowing other people are in this situation it is slightly nice knowing it's not just me :)

steelchic I too feel the man I married 12 years ago isn't the person XH is now but I still get confused a bit. Which I am sure is normal but it makes it extra painful when I realise again.

Have the problem that we are rather bound together by debt problems which is also not good. They will get sorted out eventually though .

At the moment am really not in the mood for any other men although I am sure there must be some nice ones out there :)

Still can't decide whether to start divorce proceedings or not - suppose it feels like the final nail in the coffin but might help me a bit? Am definitely feeling better than yesterday which is a Good Thing. And intending to have bath and bed once I have got DS to bed :)

I'm so sorry OP. I am in the same situation but realise I am lucky in that whilst the affair/double life was going on my stbx treated me so appallingly that he made me stopped loving him anyway.

I cant imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes. Most of us on here suffering the fall out of affairs are able to be incredibly angry in the aftermath because usually we in the throws of massive arguments about money etc. I think this in many ways does help recovery even though it takes its toll in other ways.

It 8 months since my stbxh left so I know just how you feel. Just want to send hugs and say your no alone

I am nodding at everything that has been said. There are times when I have been out on the street (not as a prostitute..just as a walker!) I suppose I look OK, dress OK...but inside I have a voice screaming 'Can someone help me please.' It's is a very raw feeling.

There is a rattle to a broken heart but the answer is to keep busy, put one foot in front of the other. If you make enough noise in your life, then you won't be able to hear that rattle so vividly.

I am smiling though at Carly's lovely turnaround - proof that it does happen. Well done.

Hugs and heartfelt empathy and sympathy my darling. I wake up lost every morning and have to bully myself into existing. Yes, it would be great to get in a time machine and see how it gets better...but for now, you have us and the solidarity of shared experience.

Realised I hadn't been back to this for a couple of days - this isn't my usual name and so having to do a complicated bit of name changing and making sure I don't out myself by accident.

Mostly feeling a bit better at the moment but am a bit :( tonight as XH is at his family's house for a family birthday celebration. I actually miss his family quite a bit but can't even manage to be in touch with them as it hurts too much. Does anyone here manage to have all right relationships with their ex's family? I in some ways would like to build up my own relationship but don't think now is the time to do it.

Have been thinking about depression - am long term depressive type although after v successful CBT nearly 4 years ago I have been off AD's for about 2.5 years. Have made appointment to see GP for Wednesday but will see how I go. I think Mondays are the worst when XH needs to be here to look after the children and I go and do good things for other people's children. Having him in the house where we lived together is difficult. I don't think he understands the problem for me at all and I need to remind myself that how I feel is valid. Am thinking of writing him a letter/email (he knows this) to explain some stuff as if I try to talk about things I just end up crying which is basically a bit wet.

Am off on a little break on my own in just over a week's time which will be good. Am hoping the weather stays nice. And also intending to MN a bit less which may be hard but I think I am retreating into the internet rather more than is good for me.

Thank you everyone who has posted on here - does help to know I'm not alone :)

Sending you love and understanding. It is difficult with the family thing.

Glad that you will see the GP and of course we are always here for non-medical but always concerned help.

Sleep well.