I'm lost... any advice?

[ontherocks]

As the title says, I'm lost.

Been married nearly 10 years, together for 12, 2 gorgeous children, 8 & 5. But I just don't feel the same anymore, haven't for a long time. Had a talk about 4 years ago, told him that I didn't love him like I should, his first reaction was 'what about the kids', it was almost like I'd punched him in the stomach. We didn't totally discuss things as he doesn't, but we decided to make more of an effort with each other.

Things haven't really changed. We never have sex, neither of us initiate it anymore and if I'm honest I wouldn't want to now anyway. I don't see him in that way, god I even knock on the bathroom door to make sure he's decent if I need to get something. If I hear him coming up the stairs while I'm changing I quickly throw some clothes on as I don't want him to see me undressed.

There's no affection, cuddles or proper kisses, a quick kiss on the lips if he's going to work but even that feels wrong.

Don't know what I'm really asking or posting for but need to get it out as it's driving me mad. I don't want to live like this for the next 30/40 years, it fills me with dread.

He's a fantastic dad and the kids adore him. I feel so completely selfish feeling the way I do, I want to feel more but I don't. I sound like a complete cow don't I. Don't get me wrong there's faults on either side but I'm really struggling, I think about us splitting up but the thought of tearing the family apart scares the life out of me, what would it do to the kids, him, me, the rest of the family? How could I justify causing all that heartache just because I'm not happy anymore, haven't been for a long time?

So sorry for the huge post, just wondered if anyone else had been/or are in my position and any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

You know he would still be a great father if you shared the parenting but had your own lives in different houses, don't you ?

Hi I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Do you think that talking things through with relate might help? I've not been to relate myself but I've heard from friends that they can be really helpful in getting suppressed issues out into the open.
Or perhaps you could introduce date nights where you go out together like in the days before children? Making the effort to get dressed up & a change of scenery might get the spark back?
Good luck, you sound as though you want the relationship to survive so I hope you find a way to male it happen xx

and you don't sound like a cow

you sound like someone staying for the children, which is never a good idea, IMO

Not sure what to say but didn't want to leave ur post unanswered, are there ever moments where u feel you do love him? If so then I think a good heart to heart and a lot of effort on both parts is needed if you never have these moments then I think it's over

wow! i couldve written your post. am in exactly the same situation! couldnt have described it better!

i have come to a decision, we need to seperate/divorce because life is too short to live like this. and, i want my kidss to see a 'normal' relationship and a happier mum! have told H of my decision, he doesnt agree with it.... and for various reasons i have agreed to a delay... but for me, its the right decision... and i dont expect the next year to be easy either!

Thank you AF, I know he would. I suppose it's a guilt thing. It's so easy to go along in a little bubble, being parents but not proper partners. Apart from the fact it has been easy to coast along but I'm reaching a point where it's not fair on either of us. I know we need to have another chat. I suppose mine is a bit of a non post as it's him I need to speak to, not a message on here. Just need a bit of confidence before I bring it up again I suppose. And yes I suppose I am staying for the kids.

Petesmum - thanks, I think it's beyond that. He doesn't even like going out, whereas I do but I'll take onboard your suggestion of relate.

EECD - I have moments of love when I see him with the children, because I know he loves them like I do. We never look at each other like that though, well I don't and I don't think he really does but I know he wants to be there always for the kids, as I do.

rednailpolish - sorry to hear you're in the same situation. I hope it works out for you all, let me know how you get on.