Just had my mother-in-law on the phone...

[kittenwarrior]

Me and my hubby are having a difficult time at the moment. Nothing has specifically happened, we have a lovely toddler but we're struggling to communcate and argue a lot.

Following a weekend of barely talking and feeling utterly miserable we visited my hubby's mum for a family celebration. I pretended everything was OK but he looked terrible and couldn't hide it.

Today my mother-in-law called me and said that she was really, really worried about her son. She wanted to know what was going on etc. I was a bit shocked because although she knew we were having problems she was now asking me what I'd been doing to make her son so unhappy.

She was v. worried, to the point that she thought he may do something silly. This is what prompted her call. However she started telling me to back off and stop criticising him because he's a good man and fantastic father. I should focus on what he is good at and realise that I've got it good compared to other people.

During the call I was pretty timid, agreed with her and stopped myself from bursting into tears. I know she only did it because she loves him.

I now feel terrible and can't work out a way forward. I told my hubby that she called and was worried about him. We are being nice to each other for now.

Help. KW

Ooh tricky - my iniial thought was 'tell her to keep her oar out', but actually she's achieved something hasn't she, you and dh are talking. Would relationship counselling be appropriate (for you and dh obv, not you and MIL!).

I think it's now up to your dh to speak to his mother, and if she gives you a hard time again refuse to be drawn into it.

sorry, initial

Hey Polly,
Actually we had started having some nice texts that morning so nothing to do with MIL phone call.
I just don't think I'll be able to act normally in front of her again. She looks after our daughter once a week so is very involved with us.

KW

Do you love him?

does he love you?

If yes to the above, get time together and TALK. get a sitter, get MIL to take your DD for you and make time to talk things through.

Build on this nice communication!

All the best!

Hmm, well of course her first concern was for her son, and she probably had good intentions, but my initial response when taking that call that would have been to ask her back what she thought he might have been doing to make you so unhappy. And that he might also stop criticising you as you are a good mother and wife and he has it pretty good compared to other people as well.

Just saying!

Hi HoudiniHissy - yes and yes. We've had some counselling and need to do more I think. I agree that we need to get away for a bit. It's just that talking always seems to end badly.

Hi Clam, I feel exactly how you describe. My MIL made no allowance that it may be problems on his side too. To her he looked miserable and I looked fine. I tried to tell her that I was just better at hiding misery.

The only problem with everything is that I think I am sometimes horrible. I do criticise him. I don't seriously think the grass is greener but I'm just tired of being the only one that drives things forward and does stuff to run the house, car etc. My OT is a good person but sometimes I lose sight of that. He gets to live in a bubble and I sort out all our money and boring house stuff etc. I don't mind doing lots of this stuff but there doesn't seem much balance.

KW

i think your mil was out of line. mine does this occasionally too. you just can't stick your beak in other people's relationships no matter who you are. i'll probably eat my words in 30 years time, but for now i really believe that. it doesn't help having a very biased person interfering.

fortunately for me my bil heard my mil banging on and told her to butt out. she's better now but occasionally can't resist.

i think your dh should sort it out with her. next time i'd probably say that there are two sides to every story and you don't feel comfortable discussing it with her.

I'd advise taking time to talk to your H and getting to the bottom of your issues, and ask him to talk to you about his feelings.

Obviously it's understandable if he has spoken to his mum, or if she's picked something up from him, but the situation can only be solved between him and you, without a 3rd party (and a biased one at that) in the middle.

I'd be a bit miffed that MIL has blamed YOU for this and TBH she IS being intrusive calling you.

Mothers don't ALWAYS know everything. I don't like the fact she is blaming you and telling you to back off. If you ARE doing all the heavy boring lifting in the marriage, you have every right to get fed up from time to time.

You need to work out a FAIR balance and allocate tasks to each of you that you are both happy with.

There ARE 2 sides and it sounds like he's being lazy in allowing you to pick up all the boring stuff.

Work on your relationship, that's the most important thing at the moment. She can be dealt with at a later date.