What have I done?

[hanaka88]

I know my DP was a massive liar, cheat and user and I did the right thing ending things, but now I'm on my own again, not able to work because of caring for DS (ASD as well as other needs)

All I do is sit in the house with DS who I love more than anything and all he does is ask for DP (not his dad so no contact)

I should have just put up with it.

You don't have to answer this it probably doesn't even make sense I'm just so low right now and needed to vent.

You know you were right to not put up with it. You will feel better soon.

No, you shouldn't have had to put up with bad behaviour if it was making you unhappy! How old is your DS? Are there any suitable support groups you could attend? Friends? Family? Afraid I don't know about your circumstances so these may not be the best ideas, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Is there any reason why your DS couldn't have some contact with dp? Even if he's not DS's dad, if they had a good relationship could that continue in some form?

And thinking practically, have you sorted out your finances/benefits etc. And could you talk to your GP about how low you are feeling? My marriage ended about 18 months ago. It couldn't have gone on, for various reasons, but I still constantly questionned if I'd done the right thing etc. I also felt very low and was diagnosed with depression. With medication and good family/friend support I've come through pretty much, but it is a really difficult time and the best advice I can offer is to be kind to yourself, treat yourself well and go easy on yourself. And keep talking - either to friends or on here.

All things must pass - and the way you are feeling will pass just as your ds will enventually stop asking for the man who took so much advantage of you.

Do you get any help with ds? Does he go to school, do you get respite services?

Have you got friends/family nearby that you can offload to and who may be willing to babysit for a couple of hours while you take yourself off out for a much needed break?

He goes to school but I have to transport him as no taxi driver will he also has loads of appointments and things to go to.

Ex doesn't want to keep up contact. I do have one good friend but she's going through a lot of her own stuff at the moment and I don't want to burden her with my stuff too.

I'm getting benefits sorted slowly they just take a while to come through but I don't want to be on benefits I want to work. I don't know I'm just feeling totally worthless right now. Thanks for the replies

How that he doesn't want contact. Your poor boy.

Yes, a shame about contact. Maybe your friend might be glad to have someone else's worries to think about for a while? A problem shared and all that?
I do understand the feeling worthless - I felt like I was a total failure, as a wife, a parent, a worker (was off sick for 3 months). One of the things I did was to make lists. One for every day. They started off very simply and sometimes included things like 'decide on tea', 'load of washing' etc but at least I felt like I was making some small progress and achieving something! And I did small things to 'treat' myself - a nice coffee, a new book (from the charity shop!), and it did gradually get better. And it will for you, but I'm guessing it feels like wading through treacle at the moment? By the way, feeling low is a perfectly normal response to the situation, so don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling!

you are not worthless, you are a great mummy doing the best job you can under tough circumstances - and your XP didn't deserve you, so you made the right choice moving on. It's bound to be hard but remind yourself every day that you are wonderful, and deserve happiness - don't let second guessing yourself bring you down. You did what was right when you needed to. Being sad is normal after a relationship ends but it doesn't mean you were wrong! Someone who deserves you and your DS's affection will be out there. Hang in there.

Thanks but I have tried to get back into dating (it has been ages since I was with ex) but I just miss him. He texts me a lot saying he misses me which doesn't help me get over him. DS just doesn't seem to stop asking about him, it's not even calmed down a little bit.

Manipulative men will always try and worm their way back in. Remember its lying they are good at. Everyone deserves someone who will respect them and without knowing your story, just from what you have written he has clearly not been respecting you.

You don't need a partner to be happy. Let the relationship side of things wait.

I'd change my phone number if I were you, sounds like he wants you not to get over him as an ego boost, hence the 'I miss you' texts. Which is pretty shitty of him. As he doesn't want to keep up contact with your son even though DS has built up a bond with him, I'd say going completely no contact is the way to go because you have no real need to be in touch. Have you ever checked out Baggage Reclaim? It might help you.

Being on benefits can feel really demeaning. I know what it's like. Ultimately it doesn't affect your worth as a person and you are still a fab and groovy woman who deserves to hold her head up high.

Don't be fooled by these messages, honey, he's only sending them to use up his free texts keep you dangling.

Actions speak louder than words. If this man cared about you, he'd be filled with remorse about the appalling way he's behaved and he'd be on your doorstep on his knees with arms full of flowers begging for forgiveness.

When you can't even see the tunnel, let alone a light at the end of it, it's so hard to remember things WILL get better. You will get through it and no, you shouldn't have just put up with it. You deserve much more than that. It must have been pretty bad for you to end things and feeling lost and at-sea now doesn't change that fact. It takes time to get some sort of life back again especially when kids are young, but you will I'm sure. I know you don't want to burden your good friend but could you do things together that would give you both a bit of a lift? Sometimes consciously NOT talking about all the crappiness going on, but going for a walk somewhere nice with perhaps a cuppa and a bit of a bun afterwards or making something easy to eat and getting a DVD in you would both enjoy can just inject a bit of fun/distraction into life and be a break from dealing with the stuff that bogs you down. Just doing anything that you enjoy and makes you temporarily forget what's going on is so good. Like a mini-break from your problems. Be kind to yourself and hang-on in there. What you said in your post does make sense. It totally makes sense. Keep on venting. Venting is good!

Thanks everyone. It's half term so I've pretty much packed it up with stuff for DS to do :) going to the beach tomorrow (probably In the rain but never mind) I think I'm just tired and poorly and miss cuddles really. I'll live I'm usually fine it just hits me some days. My ex was so so good with DS I'm not surprised DS still asks for him

I am really sorry, hanaka, I hope it gets better for you soon (but without you taking back a man you know is wrong for you)

I believe the weather is going to be ok this week, at least it will be mild

chin up, sweetheart, spring is on the way, and you will find another bloke who is just as good with your ds, there are a few around x

I know I shouldn't be feeling so sorry for myself. I know really. I won't rake him back but I just wish it all worked out

No, you did exactly the right thing. Right now things are temporarily awful, but they'll improve. By getting rid of the person who was the problem, you have given yourself the legroom, so to speak, to improve things yourself. Plough may take time but you're working towards happiness and balance.

Staying with him - well, things might be easier on a practical level than they are right now, but long term, you would be stagnating, no hope of real improvement, stick with a life you definitely know you don't want.

Stuck not stick!

Gawd knows where 'plough' came from!!