How do I close the door?

[Rhubarb]

And please don't say "use the handle"!

I've ummed and ahhed about this post. Seems that I'm using MN a bit more as a kind of therapy tools these days, but then living in a kind of isolation in France doesn't make it easy to chat these things over with close friends!

Some of you will recall the various sagas I've had with my mother. I used to get on ok with her, although I knew my siblings had major problems with her interfering and casting judgement on them. She wasn't the greatest of mums, but I had managed to let most of the things she had done in the past go and had a reasonable relationship with her. This changed when she came to visit and I saw her H touching my niece and her friend inappropriately. Long story but I tried to be discreet and told my mother that they were uncomfortable about this and perhaps she should have a word. About a week after they'd gone she telephones me sobbing, screaming "May God forgive you for what you have done." It transpires that my brother (the father of my niece) found out what had happened and confronted H. My mother blamed me for telling him (which I didn't).

During a later conversation with my mum she let slip that she had told my niece at the airport about what I'd said and told her to tell her dad before I did. Therefore she knew who had told my brother, and yet she had those hysterics with me on the telephone. She still blames me for all the upset that she caused.

After a couple of letters, conversation on the topic ceased. She never brought it up and so I didn't. She now telephones every now and then and we make small talk.

My problem is that I still can't let it go. I feel terribly betrayed. I was the only sibling who still had a half-decent relationship with her, I listened to her moans, I even tried to find sympathy with her. Now all I see is a mentally disturbed person who will create these scenarios to gain attention for herself. I never got a sorry from her, I never got an explanation as to why she did what she did. She not only dragged her husband into it, but me and her 17 year old grand-daughter.

When I visited at Christmas the atmosphere was almost unbearable. I want to get on with my life, but I hate it when she calls and I hate not being able to close the door on this. I have thought about writing another letter, but would that just stir things up again? I just can't seem to move on from this, I feel terribly hurt and betrayed. What do I do?

Rhubarb,

I know how you feel. I had this dilemma for years and years with the exception that for a large part of my adult life and teenage years I harbored very angry feelings towards my parents.

I won't discuss my father because it doesn't apply here but I also have a very mentally unstable mother who can manipulate situations to her own advantage. I have the added complication that she is an alchoholic. I went for years wondering how to let it go, until one day I snapped. That was two years ago and we did not speak at all for two years.

I haven't told anybody on MN but just before Xmas my father contacted me. He was full of apologies and couriered a really lovely Xmas Card to me and my family. He pleaded with me to let them back into my life - saying that they weren't getting any younger etc. I gave in and am now in the exact same situation you are in again.

I hate it when they contact me, their apologies are hollow and self serving and I just can't let my angry feelings go.

It's a conundrum that I can't solve, so I'll be interested to hear what suggestions are made on this thread.

FWIW - if I was in your situation I think I would have to say something (be it in letter form or face to face). I am not sure you will get the expected response but it may make you feel better.

Sorry for rambling but HTH.
dejags

Rhubarb, do you mean you want an end to this bad feeling and never to speak of the incident again or do you mean actually cutting off all contact with your mother?

what about writing a letter to her telling her how you feel?

I did this with my mum last year after years of resentment had built up.

Since then our relationship has been better.

HTH

I dunno what I want. To end the bad feeling yes, but I just can't seem to let go of what happened, I need her to say something, if not an apology then an explanation, an acknowledgement that she did wrong. I never fully got to tell her how it affected me, I never got to talk about it with her. She just thinks we can carry on from where we left off, but I can't do this.

ouch that sounds horrible for you. I'm not sure your mum will ever say what you want her to say, but you could gain some 'closure' to use pukey American phrase, by remembering that in her accidental slip she revealed that she does know that it's not your fault. A classic Freudian slip where she showed her sub-conscious feelings.

Rhubarb - it's Meanoldmummy - I'm going through something very similar with my mother at the moment too. And I have found myself leaning heavily on the support I get at mumsnet too, because it really helps, and I haven't really got anyone in RL I can call on. It's hard to describe to someone who doesn't have a toxic mother how guilty, frustrated, trapped, betrayed etc you can feel and yet still be the only one still making the effort. I am the ONLY person in our family who has not dumped my mother for good. In a way it means I don't have that option because if I do it, she will have no-one - whereas when the others made their decisions, there was always me

The advice I've been given - and I think it's good advice even though I'm crap at taking it - is to keep calm, pace myself, try to avoid letting her seize control of the situation by flustering me and bombarding me with her feelings. I don't know your mother but maybe the same applies. If she becomes hysterical, say "I'm not doing this until you can calm down and be rational" and hang up - that sort of thing. I'm going to try it with my mother as she becomes more and more barking over the next few weeks (she's having a bit of an "episode" atm). I'm trying to think "What's the worst that can happen" and decide what boundaries I want to set for our relationship.

In any case I feel for you. I get the sobbing, screaming phone calls, day and night, the bizarre surreal accusations, the uncertainty of whether she is actually unbalanced or just very very manipulative - it's no fun. It sucks all the joy out of life when she is at her worst. I hope you find a way through it and get some good advice from other MNers.

They say don?t they that you can pick your friends, but you can?t pick your family, and oh how true is that. If a friend acted like that towards you undoubtedly you would walk away from her and never speak to her again, but as this is your mother it?s a lot harder to do that. I guess what you need to do is ask yourself how you would feel if your mother was no longer a part of your life, if you walked away from a relationship with her because of what had happened with your niece would it bother you? If so, and you are unable to put the incident behind you without an apology/explanation from your mother, then you need to find a way to confront her where she can?t manipulate the situation to make her look like the injured party. Would your brother be prepared to be there at the time and to confirm that it was actually his daughter that told him about the touching incident and not you? I know that involving other members of your family might be difficult, but if the relationship between your other siblings and your mum is difficult anyway, it?s likely that they would be happy to back you up, and show your mum once and for all that she can?t manipulate any of you. Once you have done that you need to decide whether you then still want her to be part of your life, and whether you can go back to how things were before the incident, but you may not know how you feel about that until you get the apology you want/deserve.

Hth

Meanoldmummy, thanks very much! I really do appreciate you sharing that with me.

I wish I could walk away from her, I think I would like to do that. But she is caring (and I use that term very loosely) for my younger brother who has learning difficulties, therein lies another tale altogether! I don't want contact with him severed.

I've always been that one advising my siblings how to deal with her and trying to understand her point of view too. I've prided myself on keeping a distance between them all and being able to get on with my own life. But then this happens, I see something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I try to do the right thing and it all falls apart around me. I'm still being blamed and I feel very angry about that, I feel very wronged. I feel that she thinks that by making small talk with me, it's all swept under the carpet and it's another thing she has got away with. But the anger inside me just builds up and up. I'd much rather have a screaming row with her and never speak to her again than be in this limbo.

I think I will write. It probably don't make any difference but it might help me to close the door on it all. But then again she'll tell everyone that I've written and somehow I just don't want that. This is between me and her, but she always gets everyone else involved so that I'm then the talk of the family, and I hate that! How can I make my point without making it public?

Rhubarb,

Am sorry to read you feel both hurt and betrayed. Your Mum could be termed a "toxic parent".

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward if you have not already done so as she gives much insight as to how such people operate.

If you want to walk away from her you are well within your rights to do so.