Lack of sex drive = big problem

[stegasaurus]

Since DD was born 10 months ago I have lost my sex drive, and this is causing big problems in my relationship with DH. He has always gad a higher sex drive than me and would want to do it at least once a day to be happy. That hasn't happened since the beginning of our relationship, but before DD we were having fairly regular sex. I don't know what has gone wrong since then to make me not want it. It made sense for the first few months that I didn't want sex as I had just given birth/ was exhausted/ in pain from breastfeeding going wrong/ permanently had her attached to me and didn't want to be touched anymore, but those new baby issues are resolved now apart from sometimes being exhausted when she doesn't sleep. We have probably had sex once a month at best and I enjoyed it in the end on about 2 occasions. The other times I just went along with it. Sometimes it actully hurts, but that isn't due to the birth as it was a very straightforward birth with no intervention. Now we hardly even kiss or hug, because he immediately gets hard and wants it to lead to sex everytime, then he gets angry that I don't. I want to enjoy sex with him again. I miss the intimacy and I did use to enjoy it. He has told me that he gets so angry and upset about this situation that he punches the wall. What can I do other than get better at pretending to want it and enjoy it? I have read posts here from the other side where people's partners aren't wanting sex and the OPs in those posts are often advised to leave their partners rather than stay in a sexless relationship, so maybe he would be right to leave and find someone else who would make him happy although I know he loves me and our DD.

Oh steg, you sound lovely. I think that you (and your partner) have to give yourself a break. You had a baby only 10 months ago, and (whether it was a straightforward birth or not) that's going to change things, both physically and mentally. I think that the time that it takes to get back into the usual swing of things (or even into the new swing of things) can vary hugely, and that you need to let yourself get on with it in your own time. Talk to your partner honestly so that he understands how you feel.

Are you still bfing?

My drive only comes back when bfing is not very often which is usually after 12 months.
Also have your periods returned?

It isn't just about your lack of sex drive though. I'm not trying to skewer your DH but some of his behaviour isn't helping. Expecting any intimate activity to lead to sex isn't conductive to a good sex life! The latter puts up a barrier between you, where you'll be put off having intimate activity because of expectations, which then leads to less contact, thus making it even less likely that you will have or want sex. It's a bit of vicious cycle really.

Keep talking to him. Stop punishing yourself mentally for not wanting sex. Human biology is a complicated thing and I don't think you're unusual in that that your drive for sex is still diminished ten months after having a baby. Different people have it come back at different times- I've read threads about this very topic on here and some people are having it weeks after birth and others have waited years.

And please don't think this: "so maybe he would be right to leave and find someone else who would make him happy." Love, you have had a baby. Things change and adjust around this. Just because you haven't bounced back to how you were before doesn't mean he should go and be with someone else.

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, I am still breastfeeding, but won't be for more than a few more weeks because I have just gone back to work and my shiftwork is not compatible with breastfeeding (will be out of the house for over 14hrs and will have to do some nightshifts). My periods haven't come back, but I have PCOS and only have about 4 periods a year anyway so they might not be back for ages even when I have stopped breastfeeding.
How can I explain to him that this is possibly within the range of normal without it seeming like I'm making excuses?
I can't see how it going to get better. In fact, I see it getting worse as going to work is going to make me even more tired and stressed.
Is it likely that once I have stopped breastfeeding and my periods are back I will feel more like having sex? If I tell him that, it might give him hope, especially as he knows that breastfeeding will have to stop soon.
I have also read things suggesting that the pill can cause problems, but I can't not be on the pill as we don't want another baby yet and for medical reasons an unplanned pregnancy would be potentially bad for the baby. Anyway, I was on the pill (a different brand) before deciding to try for this baby and it didn't have such an effect.

Now we hardly even kiss or hug, because he immediately gets hard and wants it to lead to sex everytime, then he gets angry that I don't.

He has told me that he gets so angry and upset about this situation that he punches the wall.

Thats pathetic behaviour on his part Op and im not surprised you dont want to have sex with him . Sex hurts because you dont want it . Stop having sex you dont want , it will harm you and your relationship even more . Why does he feel you should have sex with him even though you dont want to ?

How does he express this anger at you not having sex with him Op ?

He has punched the wall and himself over it in anger, but he told me another day that he had done that. He doesn't get angry and start hitting things in front of me. The other day we were just kissing and he got hard, then he stopped and said "sorry I shouldn't do that." When I asked what he meant he said he shouldn't kiss me or touch me because our relationship isn't like that anymore. I felt really sad. I don't want our relationship to be like this. I want to be able to hug and kiss him and be close to him whether I want to have sex too or not, but I had no idea what to say in response beause it is my fault that he feels like we can't. It is just a sign of how wrong our relationship has become. I don't think he feels like I should be having sex I don't want. He just obviously isn't always very good at telling when I just going along with it. However, once or twice he has stopped because he said he knew I didn't want to and he didn't want me to if I didn't want to, but I know that when I left the room later on he was upset and angry about that. He just knows he wants to have a lot more sex than I do and that our sex drives are incompatible at the moment. I suppose he wonders why we have so much less sex than we used to and probably thinks that I don't find him attractive anymore, which is not the case. Maybe it would help if I could give him a reason why, but I don't have one.

He has punched himself ?

ReallyOp , thats not normal . At all . I dont beleive he isnt that good at not knowing when your going along with it , any man knows .

Having been in a similar position to yourself i would question the possibility that in fact it could well be your husband who is sabotaging your sex life for whatever reason . I beleive my exh did this in order to have something to pick on me about , be the victim about / and also for some sort of power play . I could not go near him without him getting a hard on and going on about it , and like yours he would become angry if that did not lead anywhere . That of course is not attractive and he would constantly pressurise me and i often would go along with it because i felt i should . Disgusting really . Do you find he is often wanting or trying to have sex when it is inapropriate ?

I is clear to me that you blame yourself for not wanting to have sex with him , and i really dont think you should . I find it WRONG that you feel like this . I do not think this problem is yours Op . The way he is behaving is not normal .

Most men get a stiffy from canoodling , they dont go on about it , and they dont get angry when it doesnt go anywhere . " Sorry i shouldnt do that " was a pity ploy to get you to feel bad for him , and it worked . Rather than blame yourself , blame him , HE is the reason you dont want to have sex because of the way he pressurises you and guilts you . Do you feel you could discuss this with him or is he likeley to get angry / or victimy ?

This man is far from normal

Diggs I don't think that he is sabotaging our sex life to have something to get at me about. I have no reason to think that, as he has never ever done anything in any other context to try to have power over me or pick on me etc like you describe your ex. I think it is just that he needs to have sex a lot more often than I do. He always has and obviously that is more of an issue now that I feel like sex a lot less often than I used to.
I think the problem is mine, as he was happier before when we were having sex more (though even then he said it wasn't as often as he would have liked). Also, I am not even interested in masturbation anymore, so the lack of sex is due to me not being interested at all rather than anything to do with him.
I possibly would agree that his reaction is extreme and not normal, but still don't know what to do about it. It would be good if we could discuss it but I am crap at discussing anything. He has tried to discuss it but it usually ends in tears from me and both of us blaming ourselves and nothing being resolved. If, as suggested above, it is just biology, can we resolve it? Or do we go on being miserable about it until my biology changes (maybe after breastfeeding is finished and/ or my periods return?)?