Shoud I give these things up?

[neepsntatties]

Dh and I not been getting on for a while now. He doesn't have work, he is looking, and we have money issues. I work part time and am going to go full time as soon as I am able, just waiting for the employer to get back to me but hope that within four months I will be back full time. Dh is trying to pick up some self employed stuff but it is hard as we have 2 dc one who is in nursery and the other who is at home and so needs childcare on the days I am at work.

Dh is resentful anytime I do anything other than go to work. I am doing a course just now which involves being away. I set up my own business this year which involves being out one night a week. I recently made some good professional contacts and have had an initial meeting to get involved with a project with them which I am very excited about. Dh thinks that I should just be at home so that he is free to go out and get work. I don't want to give stuff up particularly but it is causing so many fights. I want to hang on to my course, it ends in June and I will get a qualification out if it, seems crazy to drop that. So I am thinking maybe the other projects have to go. I am not really sure what to think. Dh says I am being selfish by doing these things and that we need to focus on making money. But on the other hand once I am back full time we will be ok financially and I will have given everything else up. I feel quite emotionally attached to these things however so perhaps I am not thinking straight and I am being unfair. However when I suggested I stop these things last night he was still not happy and threatened to pack his bags so I feel like I can't win.

Isn't he the one who dragged out building the extension and ate up all of your savings?

Keep the course! When he has work, then you can negotiate. Until then, keep it - it will likely be a life saver for you.

Yes that's him. Extension is pretty much done thankfully. I plan to fight for that course. I am wondering if the other stuff is worth fighting for or not.

No, whatever you do don't give up your course.

Tell him you are focusing on making money, you're working towards a qualification and will be back to work soon.

Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do. Does he really begrudge you just another 4 months of study? That's no time at all.

Have a think about whether a bloke would be expected to give up these things (which do not sound unreasonable, at all)

Then make your decision accordingly

Your H is trying to limt you, don't let him

sorry, i meant back to full-time work soon....

The other stuff is a chance for money to come in, and you can always ditch it after he has work. Once he has the work, then you negotiate.

Maybe I read too much mumsnet, and I do remember a lot of your threads, and you probably know really, deep down, this is a bit of a symptom-not-cause.

After all, if you are meeting more people, and making more money, and you won't need nursery childcare for ever, then it will be harder for him to get you dancing around him. I could be wrong, but what does your instinct say?

If you do have to cool the project, be careful not to burn your bridges, as you may need it.

btw - some women go out once a week to bingo and their husbands don't mind. Some women go out once a week with the girls, or for a run, or to teh gym. Going out once a week isn't actually a criminal, hanging offence even if all you do is get your toenails painted, let alone set up the potential to earn money. And it is 'small new business' not project. My project is knitting baby clothes for the girl next door. Projects are scrap books and cross stitch and restoring furniture for fun. You have started a business venture. It may work and it may not, but give yourself the credit.

Thank you, I find my head gets muddled after he has had a go at me. I feel like I am being unreasonable.

Of course you feel muddled, he's had years of experience and a shedload of practice.

Keep posting if you have to, and revisit your old threads, see if there is a pattern. Good luck.

Your post reads very much like he thinks the little woman should stay home and do fluffy stuff with the kiddiwinks while Big Clever Man earns his JSA doing something unspecified but probably involving a pub...

You are working hard to make life better for you family, so he needs to take up the domestic slack to help you do that. Take gender away and every relationship needs a domestic person and a money earner. Does he resent you being the money earner, therefore traditionally the more powerful half of a couple?

DH gets a night off a week for his hobby. I get a long morning of weekends to work. He's being very U, imo.

Your H is doing a right number on you. Keep your eyes open, and good luck.

He sounds like an arse. He's basically saying: my life is not a success therefore you should not have a successful life either

Do your course, do everything. If he chooses to moan, he chooses to moan, he'll do it anyway so at least give him cause

What's wrong with him?
He should be encouraging you and cheering you on from the sidelines, don't give up any of your plans to make a betterlife/career for yourself.

I gave up doing a law degree for my EXH many years ago to "save my marriage", it is the thing I regret the most in life, it didn't make the blindest bit of difference and just meant I was more at his beck and call!
(I've never had the opportunity (much to late for me now) to take it up again).

You carry on with your plans. It is not your fault that his career/work life is currently non existent. You are looking to the future, he is looking to get his own way!

He says you should be at home so he is free to go out and get work? What does that mean? Does he not know how to use the internet?

Out of interest, does he look after the younger child while you're at work?

Your other posts have made it abundantly clear that the only thing you need to give up is your H, and it's apparent from this thread that nothing's changed.

It's a shame you didn't have him walled up in the extension, but now that the house is completed to your satisfaction it's time to get him out of it.

If you can't or won't throw him out, just tune him out. Just say, 'Whatever' with a smile and carry on doing what you are doing. If this means his behaviour deteriorates further, remember there's always the option of having the police come and remove him by force.;

Ha that made me laugh. I do worry how I would manage alone, I am scared. I keep saying I just need to survive until June so I can get this course done but maybe I am kidding myself. I keep hoping that if he gets a job it will get better but maybe it won't.

He looks after the baby when I am at work yes and when I am away on my course.

Did one of you lot get to him? He just told me he will step up and take over the childcare. Am really surprised.

the power of MN !

< practices evil eyes and remakes voodoo doll >

OP I remember your previous posts. He is still worse than pointless as he is actually hindering your progress again. You must stay to complete your course.

If 'push' comes to 'shove', even if the extension is almost finished, there is always the patio...

Total turn around today. He's even taken the kids out so I can get on with some work. That voodoo doll has done the trick. I hope anyway, I hope this is a real step in the right direction.

Or is he just reeling you back in so you don't disrupt his cushty lifestyle

Maybe. There has certainly been this pattern in the past. Build up then he goes mental then he goes mega nice. He's never said he would take on the kids before though. That is a new one.

Hi Neeps, I also remember you previous posts.
Sounds to me that his actions today show he is getting worried by how you are reacting to him and his actions, I seriously doubt he will manage to keep up the being nice and helpful though.
Go and have a free half our chat with a family lawyer and see what you options are, living like you are is not healthy for you or your dc's.