Is there a way to get past this?

[squashedbanana]

I have an older dd from a previous relationship and a 10 mth old ds. I split from his df when I was 14 weeks pregnant due to his unacceptable behaviour but we decided to tentatively try again just before New Years Eve. We were both under a huge amount of stress when we split up which contributed to me acting very out of character and I gave him the same benefit of the doubt as prior to one hellish week he had been the model boyfriend.

So I put his unreasonable behaviour down to him 'being in a bad place' as he put it but in the past few weeks while being my rock through a tough time he has been generous and supportive, kind and understanding, but there have also been some red flags. I have C&Ped from the heartless bitches website to save myself typing it out again

"The Dangling Carrot". This person throws money around to hook you, and make you believe that he is a generous person. Watch closely and you will see his attitude about money change over the months and years that you know him. The moment you are "hooked" either by moving in together or getting married, all of a sudden he is concerned about expenses and you'll find yourself nickel-and-dimed at every turn. - Not sure about this, he says he is worried how he will provide long term if he doesn't get a better paying job, but is very generous right now. I don't know if this red flag applies here. I know providing is very important to him.

He says things like "You make me feel bad about myself" when you try to assert healthy boundaries. - I didn't like some of his 'jokes' and when I asked him nicely to stop as I found them offensive he threw a strop and told me he couldn't be himself in that case and wouldn't enjoy coming over if he had to screen everything he says

He doesn't like you talking about (or doesn't even let you talk about) any ex boyfriends/husbands, especially past sexual stuff. - he didn't get angry though, not sure how much this one applies

He wants to get you pregnant asap - he was quick to want me to get pregnant. I am not sure if he is unbalanced or he just wears his heart on his sleeve as he fell in love quickly, well we both did! I was more cautious about having a baby though and wanted to wait, in the end my ds was a wonderful 'surprise'

He never really talks about any ex's but does blame everything on them, they cheated, wanted $, etc. - He told me if he won the lottery he wouldn't tell me or anyone else as he wouldn't want our relationship to change or friends to come out the woodwork wanting money. He said he was wary as his ex wife was a 'gold digging bitch' and that was why he thought the way he did

He refers to ex-girlfriends or wives with terms like "Bitch", "Cunt" or "Whore". - He refers to his ex wife as a lazy bitch all the time as she went back to uni as a mature student while he worked. The anger towards her he says is because she cheated on him

He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful. - except he never apologises, if he loses his temper it's always my fault or my DDs fault. I told him he upset her and his face was a blank. I do think it sinks in he just can't stand talking about emotional stuff and shuts down

He makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you. - he did once, I pulled him up on it and he hasn't done it again

His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. - I don't know about all his friends, I have met a few who were normal but the two he hangs out with the most, one is a compulsive cheat and the other is just really, really odd

He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents - it's always my, my DDs or his ex wife's fault

He/She takes pride in how he/she "screwed over" the ex financially in the divorce. - he says because she cheated on him

But he is also sweet and loving and affectionate. He just says stupid things about his ex wife, bad jokes. Even though he didn't like being pulled up on what he said he hasn't repeated it. Is he abusive or just emotionally immature? I am feeling very confused

I should add he is a devoted and attentive father to our ds

Red flags? A skyful by the sound of it. As for getting past this, you've written it down, that's the first step

Glad he's such a great dad because he doesn't seem to have much else going for him, does he?

pssst...you've had a lucky escape seriously.

Oh hang on...you're still WITH HIM?

I know it sounds so pathetic written down :(

There are loads of good things about him too and right now the good outweighs the bad which is why I am wondering if his behaviour stems from childishness there is some way of him growing out of it or if I keep reinforcing boundaries he will change his attitudes.

I know this is naive but I am trying to be hopeful as he has a lot of good qualities too

It's quite telling though that I'd tell me best mate to run a fecking mile :( But if there is a way of making us work without me having to turn into a doormat (NOT going to happen!) then I want to give it a try.

I was looking at the freedom programme diagram good man v bad man and he actually ticked a lot of boxes on the good man picture and only one or two on the bad man picture which just confuses me even more

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You ignore or minimise any red flags at your peril. He is dragging you and by turn your children down with him.

He is NOT your project here to rescue and or save. You and your children must come first now, not he. He is an adult and he can and will be able to take care of his own self. The "great dad" comment also gets trotted out by women who have nothing at all positive to say about their man. I note you wrote as well that this was in relation to your son; what does your eldest DD think of him?.

"There are loads of good things about him too"
Ok. Such as?. You did not elaborate.

Re this part of comment:-
"and right now the good outweighs the bad which is why I am wondering if his behaviour stems from childishness there is some way of him growing out of it or if I keep reinforcing boundaries he will change his attitudes"

What good?. You cannot hope to change someone like this by showing him that you are a good person. You cannot change a person by yourself. The above is wishful thinking/naiveity on your part and is very damaging to you and your children. You are allowing yourself to be completely walked on.

What on earth are you both teaching these two children about relationships here?. Two words suffice; damaging lessons.

You are with this person...why ?

I truly hope he doesn't talk about women in this way in front of your children (or when they can overhear). If he did, I would take his head off.

he calls his ex a cunt in front of you! he refers to women as bitches and cunts - you know? he's telling you clearly who he is.

when you say he blames dd for things what does that mean? how does he treat her in comparison to ds?

imagine you're not involved with him you just know him from work or the pub for example. would you ask him to babysit dd? would you feel he was the right choice? and yes, telling your best mate to run a mile if it was her is a pretty clear indicator. why would you want a man in your dd's life (or your own) who you wouldn't trust your best mates happiness with?

[standing waving red flags, security lights and blaring fog horns]

I'm no expert except on my own "delightful"H who was excused for his bad behaviour, selfishness, childishness and abuse for ages by me because he displayed a few crumbs of kindness...if I'd seen your list i could have signed it with our relationship...years ago.

for you

IMO grown-ups take responsibility for their own behaviour and mistakes, the blaming others means he never has to examine what he does, there is always an excuse. For me this is the biggest red flag in your list.

Thank you all so much. No SwallowedAfly, I am not sure if I would ask him to babysit

I have to end it with him, your feedback has confirmed what I suspected but didn't want to quite admit yet. He has been really trying hard with my daughter and she has enjoyed having a man about to help her with her bike, take her swimming etc and I have enjoyed being a mummy more and been better for it and less stressed by having his extra set of hands about. I don't have any other support but from him, I don't talk to most of my family and those that I do have contact with are too busy with their own jobs and families, as are my friends, so the reason for my hesitation in breaking up with him, apart from the fact my son would be losing the possibility of having his father full time, and my daughter a step father, is the fact that without him I am completely on my own. He is very supportive financially and practically.

Things came to a head over the weekend, it was nice and awful in equal measures. We went to mothercare and when we passed the breast pumps he said really loudly 'SQAUSHEDBANANA, THIS IS THE WORST AIRHORN I HAVE EVER SEEN!' and then was annoyed when I didn't find it particularly funny. He carried ds around the shops for 1.5 hrs then ds started to want me as he was hungry and dp 'oh cheers, thanks alot, are you sick of me now?' to ds. DS is only 10 months. DP gets insecure when he thinks DS wants me instead of DP. I just felt so uncomfy that views ds as a possession to massage his ego as opposed to an independent person with his own needs and wants.

I was very tired on Saturday but picked up towards the end of the afternoon and he made a comment about how I had been exhausted all day and was now getting 'good' when he was just about to leave. It made me feel like an object

But most annoyingly of all, he made another comment about his ex being a lazy bitch and I asked him if when we split up before if he referred to me as the 'child bearing bitch' He laughed and said no but he should have done!!! I asked him outright if he had reffered to me as a bitch and he stared at me and then said 'Now, now there's no need for a domestic, there's no need for a domestic! hahaha' I take that as a yes then!!!!

His father is very loud and forthright and his mum is rather mousy and subdued, I can see what he is modelling his behaviour on. I am just sick of being disrespected and condescended to. He made a 'joke' about my private parts and then mimicked me and mocked me when I told him he had overstepped the line. No apology. I never get an apology for anything.

I want to end it in a way that doesn't give him motivation to be vindictive the way he was when he divorced his ex. He took great pleasure in screwing her over and has taken delight in any misfortune that has befallen her since. Also, for the sake of my children, I don't want there to be any nastiness and he has already proved how immature and nasty he can be when he thinks he is being wronged or criticised.

He never takes any responsibility as it is, so I am going to tell him it's about me and I am so busy with the kids, life etc that I don't have anything left to give romantically and it wouldn't be fair on him to take things further. Does that sound ok?

that sounds like a much nicer let down than he deserves but for the sake of your dcs it is probably worth "sucking it up".

Hopefully he will be man enough to support his son and therefore give you some help anyway.

Don't get sucked back again though!

Looking forward to seeing a less "squashed" banana and more of a perfect peach!!!

i doubt you can control his nastiness tbh. it seems women are either useful to him and doing what he wants or useless bitches who are crazy/evil etc. i doubt that there is a way for you to exist in his world as a woman who both doesn't serve his purpose AND is a good person worthy of respect and kindness.

i don't think you have to go into massive justifications for not wanting to be with him. think you could keep it as basic as having been glad you've tried for the sake of ds but that it really doesn't work for you and you are not happy. trot out the obvious this doesn't affect you and ds etc and stick with focus on the future and the simple fact that you don't want to continue the relationship end of.

good luck. he sounds like a prize twat and i think he would do your head in more and more and more until you found yourself wanting to stab him in the eye every time he opened his mouth you're best off out. i know it's hard to lose the support though. will he carry on being good with ds do you think? does dd see her father at all?