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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you forgive something you'd just found out...

18 replies

Molasses · 19/02/2012 23:48

...If it happened ages ago?

I've discovered that four months into my relationship with P that he signed up for Adult Friend Finder. This was over a year ago, but at the time I was giving up so much of my energy supporting him through a bereavement (very close family member). I also discovered he joined a (soft) porn site three months after that, knowing my views on porn. When I first met him he was in love with someone else but she was engaged - I stuck with it because I knew that relationship would not happen, and also because the bereavement happened so soon in and he needed support.

He has not done anything to my knowledge since, but the thought that he wasn't thinking much of me at that time whilst I was giving up a lot of myself is stinging me and I can't let go of it.

I think I am being silly as this was all between Aug 2010 & Mar 2011. Am I? We've had a row - think we've split up over my snooping and his embarrassment over me finding the AFF thing.

Please would someone sane advise? I'm feeling a bit mad. Thanks.

OP posts:

Lueji · 20/02/2012 00:06

It's not that surprising, if he was in love with someone else, that he would not think much of you. Sadly. :(

I suspect the relationship was doomed from the start, unfortunately.

Lovingfreedom · 20/02/2012 00:10

It's not sounding good, I'm afraid. Look after yourself and good luck.

fortyplus · 20/02/2012 00:15

You're always going to be 2nd best in his eyes - find someone who will love and care for you in an equal relationship. Sorry - good luck.

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 00:17

He told me he loved me though. And he's shown it in many ways. Not sure if I'm being unfair after this amount of time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 00:31

He tells me that his feelings for her were fantasy. They never slept together - well they did but the most he got was his dick felt (thus fuelling his passion imo). I know that's true. She is quite... strange.

Anyway, nearly a year of devotion (not quite the right word - hoping you'll know what I mean) to me, after this stuff that happened in the first several months. Do you still think there's no point and that he's just going along for the ride?

As it were. Hm.

OP posts:

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 00:33

After 'Anyway', insert 'there has been'.

It might help. It might not.

I may have to go to bed :)

OP posts:

fortyplus · 20/02/2012 00:33

Caring for you is one thing - it sounds as though he does that. But is that enough for you? Are you content to be the one he settled for despite wanting someome else?

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 00:41

He insists he didn't settle. But he would I suppose. She got married last Sep. I feel like a dick.

OP posts:

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 00:42

I suppose I was asking if the timescale of all this made a difference? It's not long though. He's 29 by the way.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 20/02/2012 00:43

You know what I think you should do? Say you want to split and see how hard he begs. If he really wants you he'll fight to keep you.

fortyplus · 20/02/2012 00:45

And it's less than a year ago - makes no difference - could'ver been yesterday. Don't forget he's only admitting to what you've found. There could be other things.

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 01:07

I've said I wanted to split before. And within days I asked him back. He doesn't do any chasing.

I think I'm being an idiot but he's been the nicest of all the men I've been with.

Maybe should devote myself to finding a woman. Am bi after all.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2012 07:55

Look, if he's the nicest man you've been with, then you are seeing the wrong type of man.

Read your own posts. It's a dead loss, isn't it?

Perhaps spend a year without anyone and develop some interests and some friendships. Don't search for someone and when you're feeling great about yourself, I'm sure someone a hell of a lot better will come along.

diddl · 20/02/2012 08:28

You were supporting him through a bereavement & he was looking for "adult friends" & looking at porn online?

Do you not think that you deserve better?

Gay40 · 20/02/2012 08:48

Yeah, you might as well start dating a woman because they never lie, go on dating sites or look at porn

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2012 08:54

You have found out he has been cheating - how do you know he won't do it again? I get the impression things are being swept under the carpet and he is not bothered about investing in the relationship - you deserve so much better.

SecondRow · 20/02/2012 09:01

I don't think it's so much about forgiveness in a relatively young relationship like this. It's not like after years of commitment, something apparently out of character for the whole relationship happened. It's more that this is who he is, and you've found out relatively early on. You are still getting to know him and I would be inclined to believe that this is "him", not minimise it into some sort of aberration. Sorry.

Original poster

Molasses · 20/02/2012 10:46

Sorry about the woman comment Gay40 - was extremely sozzled last night.

Yes, you're all right. I will probably have to stay single for a while and reassess. I've had a tough time with men over the years (prositution, abuse, rape) and my understanding of what's okay to deal with is skewed.

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

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