How do I explain to DS about his dad?

[BertieBotts]

Bit of background. XP and I split up when DS was 13 months. XP was emotionally abusive. He saw DS regularly for a while, every weekend, daytimes, and then he got a new girlfriend and contact dwindled... 2 out of 3 weekends, just one day in a weekend, one day every other weekend, once every 3-4 weeks, and then he split up with the new gf and basically said he couldn't cope and he'd need to take a couple of weeks out of seeing DS. So I told him to get in touch when he felt ready to see him again. DS kept asking about his dad but although I answered his questions as best I could, I didn't bring up the subject because he would get upset/frustrated when I said I didn't know when he would be coming again.

Four months later, due to (I think) pressure from his mum, he asked if he could see DS. I agreed tentatively but said I would rather be there, DS had stopped asking about him and never spoke about him any more so I wasn't sure how he would react. So we met him for two hours in a soft play centre. He turned up hungover and with three women, one of whom was another new girlfriend. (I did know the other two, and one of them has a DC too who she brought.) Slightly odd, but okay. DS barely recognised him and recoiled from him as he went to hug him because he didn't know who he was, although I'd asked him and he'd said yes, I remember Daddy, and I'd been speaking to him about it to get him excited about them meeting again. Anyway, after a few seconds he seemed to collect himself and realise who it was and he gave him a MASSIVE hug which went on for ages, and they then went about their day together as though this was totally normal, as toddlers do.

So, that was six months ago and since then we have heard absolutely nothing for him. He ignored DS's birthday and Christmas, didn't get so much as a text, let alone a card or present. I refuse to chase him, I know he has all my contact details.

During this time, DS has been seeing XP's mum, his Nanny, when I took him round there, because she asked me to and because I thought it was unfair to deprive him of a relationship with his grandparents and that side of his family. XP has also moved back in with his parents recently, about 3 months ago. We have been there since then and he has not once even asked to see DS even though it would be in his own house at his leisure time.

DP has also moved in during this time (longer than 6 months ago) and DS has slowly graduated from " is like a Mummy" to " is not a Daddy. He is a . I do have a Daddy, but he is just a man." to "I don't have a Daddy, Mummy, X has a Daddy and Y has a Daddy, but I have a ." and then, since he started nursery, he has been insisting that DP is his Daddy, though he still calls him by his name.

I had a text a few weeks ago (in January) from XP's mum telling me that XP had some Christmas presents for DS in his room. I replied (thanks to advice on here!) saying "Thanks, I'll wait to hear from him then. My phone number, facebook and email are all the same." to which, um... nothing.

And then today.. XP's mum has been looking after DS for me for the past couple of weeks when I've worked Sundays and this week she told me that XP is now moving out of her house to a nearby city, and she thought I should know. Then she said that he moved out while DS was there today, walked into the room where DS was, acknowledged him briefly and then walked out (of his life, I presume) without even saying goodbye. DS didn't even register it, he has no idea. So, what do I do now? Do I start correcting him when he says that DP is his "Daddy", saying "You have another Daddy as well, but you just haven't seen him for a long time." - I've done this a couple of times, and told him the truth when he asked if DP was at the hospital when he was born, and he just doesn't really understand or seem that interested. He asks who it is (because he doesn't remember) and then when I can't really explain he just gets confused and loses interest. I do still have some baby photos somewhere on the computer which have XP in - do you think I should make a point of showing DS and explaining that he was around when he was a baby but that we made each other sad and so we couldn't live together any more and then that his Daddy is very busy, or something? Or should I just leave it until he is a bit older and starts asking questions because he has the understanding to question it then? (I suppose I could keep the photos for him and bring them out at this point anyway. I'm not going to delete them anyway, because he might want to see them one day.)

The one thing I am really sure I don't want to do is to let him think that DP is his birth father and then for it all to come out when he is older, I think that could be a lot more damaging and/or confusing and of course it would be messy if XP ever does want contact with him, but it looks like for the moment he isn't bothered.

Sorry this is so long. I just think it's sad because XP's dad did exactly the same thing and he always despised him for it :( I guess he never expected that we would split up, though.

Gah, difficult.

My dn calls her stepdad 'dad', she knows he is not her birth father but feels he has been a father to her since she was ca.3 years. Easier in some ways as her bfather is dead - not easy obviously but everyone knows he will not be on the scene again so there will be no confusion or hurt feelings.

I would let him call your dp what he wants and find some not-too-awful way of explaining his birth father hasn't made any effort to contact him. How sad for your ds but better to know the truth imo.

Do you think xp is depressed - I'm so crap, as bad as my crap dad, ds is better off without me, sort of thing? If so he may pull it together and be back eventually, especially if you keep in contact with his mum.

I think you can stick to the facts in an age appropriate way - especially if your DS sees his nanny (ie. XP's mum) regularly. So I'd explain it that Nanny is birthDad's (or whatever phrase you wish to use) mum, Grandma (or whatever he calls your mum) is your mum and Granny (or whatever he calls your DP's mum) is his stepgrandmother (or whatever phrase you wish to use). I think if you explain it in a broader context he'd understand. I don't think you need to harp on about it but make sure to mention it once a month or so, at least until you're sure he's really remembered it and understood it.

To be honest, there are so many blended families around these days that a fair few of his schoolfriends will have similar family set ups, so he won't feel like the odd one out, IYSWIM?

I'm sure other people will be along soon with better advice (or probably have been while I've been typing slowly!) :)

Could he call him "daddy x" so that if his bio dad comes back into the picture then he could call him daddy y. I know several people who have done this successfully.

i'd now and then when he says dp is my daddy just say well he's your step daddy really. if he asks what that means say it means he didn't help mummy make you and came into our lives after you were born but he's with us now and loves you very much.

he may not understand that as such now but you will have never hidden it from him and as his understanding grows with age so will his understanding of what this means.

i wouldn't talk about his bio father unless he asks for now. if he asks outright (such as the above leading on to then who helped you make me) then tell him small, simple things and take his cue on whether he needs/wants more or just happily lets it drop again for now.

i think if you've always told him (even if he hasn't always understood) then it's fine, you haven't lied, he wont' feel deceived etc. it's like with adoption i guess - you don't correct your child every time they call you mummy and say well actually i'm not your bio mummy, but you've always mentioned it i guess and how they understand that increases with age and time. that's how it was for my friend anyway.

really not easy this stuff - my ds is nearly 5 and has never seen his father and i'm single. i know what it's like to field questions and wonder what the best way is. i don't think you have to go into the 'we made each other sad business' really at this stage. i'd keep it simple and straight like 'you did used to see him sometimes but he moved away and we haven't heard from him for a long time'. it's true. there's no real shielding from it long term. it is hard though. glad your little boy is bonded to your dp and feels so secure with him.

my son was 3 when he started asking about his dad and at first he'd come out with something from nowhere and then drop it just as quick without really seeming to want much of a response from me. as he gets older he wants more. i still struggle to know the right approach. the truth is he chose never to see him and has been given chances to change his mind but has chosen not to. i don't know a good way to present that to a child.

Thanks all. He did actually ask again this morning and wanted to know who he was again so I've said I will show him the pictures of when he was a baby with him later after nursery. So less difficult than I thought, really. Thanks for your advice :)