Anyone here in the awful limbo of separation - or come out of it with good/bad results?

[Punkatheart]

My OH left in July - at first adamant that he was not coming back. He has since admitted to some kind of breakdown/mid life crisis - pressures of work, my serious illness (lymphoma) and a difficult teenage daughter. Since then he has now gone into counselling, with the intention of seeing if he can be 'fixed' (not neutered! Just fixed in the sense of mending his broken emotional compass) There is no one else in the picture.

I am in contact with him and trying to give support. My daughter wants no contact with him but is relieved that he is going through counselling. She feels she has lost the soft kind father she had and would like him back.

But I am finding the whole thing so agonising. Slow, so slow. My daughter is suffering from anxiety to the point she has nearly passed out a few times. We may go through all this and then he may of course walk away. I have lots of other pressures on me too - exhaustion being a major one.

I am keeping busy as I can manage, seeing friends, writing etc etc. But can someone tell me their experiences of separation or how it worked out? It really would help to talk to people going through the same thing. Some days I truly feel as if I am going mad.

Can I ask why you are "trying to give him support" now, before he has done work on himself and you can judge whether he is worth having back in yours and yours daughter's life?

Call me old-fashioned, but I think separation should be just that. You each lead your separate lives, and see if you are or are not better off like that, or whether work achieved during the separation by one or both parties makes you both want to give it another chance.

He is suffering because his daughter does not want to see him. He wants to still be in our lives and I can see the pain in his face. Practically too, I have a house that I cannot maintain on my own, or afford to have work done. There are times when he has done some jobs for me. Not often......but he really wants to help. When there is a child involved - even one currently not wanting to see her dad - it is not as black and white as separating completely. We also still very much love one another - he knows that he has the problem and yes, I do think he needs support. He needs to know that there is a home to come back to and that we love him, despite everything.

I dunno. I still think that he can have contact with his daughter without you holding his hand. And indeed, his daughter can choose to have no contact with him without you holding his hand. This really just muddies the separation.

As for the house, I have a house that I can't maintain on my own either (am also separated, waiting for divorce to come through). I just restrict the quarters that I actually live in and maintain those to the extent of my abilities/what I can afford to have done by professionals. Not ideal, but I know I now have to stand on my own 2 feet, however impractical it can be at times.

And jesus, you have lymphoma. I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you really have extra emotional energy to spare on his feelings, though?

This separation will continue to be monumentally shit for both of you if you remain so emotionally entangled. And you have twice the reasons of anyone else to focus on your own needs right now!

I know. This is wisdom and rational stuff. All my friends and family also see it in rather black and white terms too - that he is an arsehole and has left me in a very vulnerable position. Of course I too would be able to maintain the house. If I wasn't ill, I would work to pay for it all - my life would be different. But it isn't. I have a sick cat, other animals - they all take up time and work, although they are also a huge comfort.

I just really wanted to know how people have handled being separated and the aftermath, whether they got back together or not.

Why do you want to remain so central to his life when you are "separated"?

Why are you looking for stories where separation ended in reconciliation? (that is what you're most eager to read about, right?)

What would it mean for you if your relationship really is over? In what way is that an unacceptable thought?

Practically: what would you need to do to leave the house and live somewhere smaller and more manageable?

(and since you asked: I handle being separated by completely cutting contact, nurturing no vain hopes, and getting on with my own life. Hard at first, easy and enjoyable now. I know that's not what you want to do. But I really fail to see how your version is doing anyone involved any good: either you, your daughter, or him. Do you think it is?)

Sounds like you are looking for some magic wand or path back to making it work.
But the key here is to be yourself, concentrate on yourself and find solutions so that your lives are not so entwined.
He can't support you in your illness, you can't support him through his issues. Have you had counselling yourself? If you are as strong as you can be then six months down the line you will be able to view it from a much more stable base.
As regards your dd, she sounds old enough to make her own decision. You can't force her to forgive her dad.
As regards the house and animals, see if you can manage on your own or ask friends or your dd.

Punkatheart the pain of separation is not healed by having contact with the person who left you. Every time you see him or have contact you in effect separate all over again so you are trapped in a cycle. You will only start to heal when you cut contact with him, stop supporting him and start taking care of your own needs and those of your DD.

I've followed your threads, I've felt your pain and frustration and my heart goes out to you. If you were my friend I would advise you to find the strength to close the door on this man, take a huge step back from him and his problems and give him the space to sort himself out. I know from reading your threads that you would love to reconcile with your H but feel if there is to be any chance of this happening you have to give him to space to come towards you, it's something that cannot be forced by you caring for him, supporting him and being on standby if he should need you. Not only is this not a healthy situation it is emotionally draining, I'm not surprised to hear that your DD is suffering.

Take it one day at a time. When you feel like contacting him tell yourself you will wait until the next day and see how you feel then. Then do the same the next day. It's like an addiction you have to wean yourself off. It's not easy but it can be done, it has to be done for the sake of your sanity and to allow your heart to heal.

Maybe your DD will feel more able to forgive her dad when she see's her mum happy and strong again, not suffering the pain of a separation caused by him.

I am not necessarily looking for rosy stories of people getting back after separation - I simply would like to see how people coped either way. I think I have survived and done OK, all things considered. I have joined things, made a lot of new friends. I go out a lot - even if I sob in private when I get home. My daughter made up her mind from the very first few weeks of him leaving.

Bloody fucking illness. I could be a better parent if I wasn't ill - with more energy and ability to take her places, cheer her up. I would personally love to be 'happy and strong' again, Time. I am just not that much of an actress and exhaustion truly takes me at times.

I can understand that Punk, illness is draining and exhausting and fucking annoying when your body is unable to keep up with what your mind wants it to do. BUT, this ongoing situation with your ex will not be helping with your illness, the stress of the separation will be draining you, combine that with what you are already going through with the lymphoma, bloody hell woman, I have no idea where you are getting any of your strength from!!

Give yourself a chance to be happy and strong again without having to be an actress. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love but for your own sake you have to do this, even if it's only for a short while, just until you find your feet again, gain some strength and have some more of that strength in reserve!

I'm telling you how to cope, I've been there, I've done it, it's hard, it's painful but it works. You have already proved yourself to be a strong woman, you are a strong woman, I have no problem picking that up in your posts, you just have to apply yourself to separating emotionally from this man. You can love him for the rest of your life, just don't allow that love for him to control your life for a moment longer.

Thank you Time. You are wise. People tell me that I am strong, that I am a tiger......but I look in the mirror and see a nearly drowned kitten instead.

Yes, I know that feeling too. Trust me Punk, you are strong and you can do this. You have had a terrible time of it but you are wanting out of it, you don't really want to have to let go of your H but you are sick of feeling this way. Your mind and body are telling you it's time to move on, happiness does await you, you just have to start the journey towards it. One day soon you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful, strong, intelligent woman you are.

Last night I dreamt that I had to go to my OH and beg him to give me a job (he is successful man in his career). He did (in the dream) eventually give me employment and I kept thanking him. Jesus Christ - I woke up feeling so humiliated. The dream seemed to truly symbolise that I have no power. I am being kind to a man who is treating me so poorly - what kind of weak and pathetic person does that make me?

I do indeed need to completely step away. I will now make him do all the running and if he doesn't....well then I have to face the fact that he has become another person.

I want to feel strong and empowered...not a little mouse looking for cheese. I want to graduate to a fat brown rat with superior whiskers and a righteous sense of my own entitlement.

Easier said than done of course...every day seems to hit me with something else that tries to drag me down.

Onwards and upwards. Thank you so much, Time.

So good to read Punk

Please don't berate yourself, you are not weak and pathetic, you are a woman who loves her H and has had your future with him snatched away. You want back what you had but you have no control, you are powerless because seemingly your H doesn't want the same as you. It's frustrating to say the least!

You are not weak and pathetic at all. I've followed all your posts and I've witnessed the generosity you have shown your H, your kindness and understanding, your willingness to forgive him and support him, you have been willing to accept the unlovable side of him, anyone can love a rose but it takes a great heart to include the thorns, you have a great heart. Now though it's time for that great heart of yours to extend it's love to yourself.

You will feel strong and empowered because you are going to choose to do so. You are going to invest in yourself, put yourself first and treat yourself kindly. If you can't love yourself unconditionally then how can you expect others to? You are your priority right now, it's not selfish, it's well deserved. The happier you become within yourself the clearer you will see your situation, you will see the real person your H is, the real him.

When something comes along to knock you down, shrug your shoulders and get right back up again. If you hit a brick wall don't stop, find a way to climb over or get round it. Gain strength from tackling the challenges head on rather than letting them drain the strength from you. It can be done.

Start thinking of the wonderful future you have ahead of you, set yourself some goals, make plans, make them all about you, aim high!

I'm proud of you Punk

Hi Punk
I have read many of your posts and you have also posted kindly on mine.
I too was in a similar position my husband left me and my children but couldn't seem to let go and neither could I. He got his own flat would go out all weekend but come to our family home for tea (which stupidly I would make him) All the time he would tell me he was going through some stuff, loved me but couldn't commit. I loved him so totally and was desperate for a reconciliation so I just put up with all this crap for months. We would get back together, then he would say he wasn't sure about us. For me it was constant heartbreak, not eating, doing a really poor job at work mainly due to not sleeping, it also took it's toil on our children. Eventually I thought enough is enough.
I met him and told him clearly that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I told him not to contact me, I wanted a divorce, he could make his own arrangements to see the children but not see ME. I also said I didn't want to stay friends and wanted him out of my life.

I mean't it because I really couldn't go on like that anymore, it was actually destroying me. Doing this was hard but immediately afterwards I felt enormous relief and that a weight had been lifted. I got back my confidence and self esteem. I started to go out with friends and enjoy life. Meanwhile he crumbled BUT I didn't allow myself to feel sorry for him anymore.

Months later we are back together and happy (although it has been a hard process) But it was on my terms and not his, HE had to do a hell of a lot of growing up and work really hard to even get me to talk to him again.

I will never regret what I said because either way (even if we had divorced) because it put an end to an impossible situation.

I really feel for you and hope things work out for you but think you know that you can't go on like this.
Take care x

I am so pleased that all is well with you now - what a very strong and resourceful person you are, lifeshocker.

I am stepping back to allow him to go through the counselling and hope indeed that it has an effect...but I am going on with my life, or at least trying to.