At the moment I would rather live by myself with the kids ,than with my husband (LONG, sorry)

[Singlebedplease]

Not asking for solutions to my problem today, just need to off load really.

We have been together for 25 years this year. I'm nearly 42, we have 3 kids.

I feel at the moment that I am so 'dead' emotionally in my marriage that I may as well be my myself with my 3 children.

He is not a horrible man by any stretch of the imagination, in fact on paper he is wonderful, loving to the children, a great provider, and loves me apparently, (altho it takes a mini breakdown in our relationship for that to be voiced sometimes). But also I never tell him I love him either unless we are in a 'lovey' phase.

But I keep having these periods where I am dead towards him. Dead emotionally, cant make myself feel anything.

I lie in bed next to him and think Oh I hate this, I want my own bed in my own room, why are we insisting on sleeping together. It just feels so unnatural, like I'm sleeping next to a stranger.

I have no interest in spending time with him during the day. He has hobbies that make him happy and it seems thats all he wants to talk to me about. I resent this, am grumpy towards him and seem like even more of a harridan than I already feel. But he often doesnt ask me about my day, or forgets that something big was happening to me, and forgets to ask about that. Again, resentment from me.

With the children, I am the 'leader', he isnt proactive with them at all, more content to spend his spare time potttering about with his hobbies. I suggest he takes them out and he wil, but again it feels like nagging.

He is also not proactive round the house and when I see him spending time on his hobbies when there are skirting boards that need painting or cracks that need filling, I get cross. I do a lot of the DIY in the house, I would like him to see what needs doing too.

He does do things, I dont want to make out like he is totally hopeless but his default setting is 'pleasing himself'. Yet if I spend time pleasing myself I feel guilty, I'm not sure if this comes from him or from me.

Fundamentally he does not make me happy.I amnot happy when I am with him. I am happy when he leaves the house and miserable when he comes back. We dont kiss, or cuddle, or have sex unless I am having a 'loved up' phase.

Our sex life has always been a bit hit and miss. I've never been 100% satisfied apart from the very early days all those years ago, when we first got together (he's the only man I've ever slept with)

I'm aware my post makes me sound like I'm the Queen of Shebe who must be kept happy at all times and actually I'm bloody lucky to have a husband like him and on paper I can see that. Still doesnt stop me feeling like wet fish where he's concerned

Thanks for reading so far, I dont expect any pearls, but thoughts would be appreciated

I don't think you're that bloody lucky to have to live with a man who puts his hobbies ahead of everyone else in the house. While everyone should have a hobby of some sort, the golden rule of family life is that everyone gets the same amount of leisure time. If this man is doing hobbies to the extent that all the available leisure time belongs to him ie that you and DC have to do the other chores and fit round the hobbies, then he is being selfish and needs a good kick in the cock.

It sounds like you have fallen out of love with him. He doesn't sound much fun to be honest.
Think of a future without him, imagine it - how does it make you feel? If it makes you feel sad, perhaps your marriage deserves a chance. If it makes you feel a sense of relief or happiness - maybe it would be best to move on? No point in staying in such an unhappy marriage, we only live once - don't waste it.

So he is a good provider.
But beyond that your needs are not being met: emotional, sexual, equal partner in parenting...

You are totally entitled to feel the way you do. And to end it if you are not feeling fulfilled, and he is not willing to take steps that would improve things for you.

useful read?

solidgold he usually does buck up his ideas if I remind him that there are more things that need to be done, and realises what a prat he's been.

I think I'm just fed up with always being the one that does that. I bored with being the captain of this ship. I dont think he is a bad person in any way- he is just the sort of person who hangs back rather than taking the lead, follows rather than initiates.

Deep down I know that he is a good man but I've never been 100% sure if he's been the 'right' man for me. I know I should know this 25 years down the line but when do we ever get chance to take stock or to investigate the alternatives?

I think perhaps what I need to start doing is make myself happy rather than trying to ensure he makes me happy. How many of us are in truly happy relationships? I know its easy to say that about someone else- 'oh just leave you deserve to be happy'

I need to make sure I'm happy for me. He can keep up if he likes

Does that make sense?

^I need to make sure I'm happy for me. He can keep up if he likes

Does that make sense?^

Completely.

And yes Mucky I agree I have fallen out of love with him. It seems cyclical to me- I fall out of love, then we reignite it (always coming from me, he never initiates) , then out again.

Oh I dont know...short of a personality transplant he cant become the person I need him to be, can he?

I could have written this. I will get that book. Op you are not alone. What will you do? I clearly don't have advice as am crap at this but wanted you to feel less alone.

HotDamn I think a lot of it is guilt on my part, that I cant do what I want when I want .

I feel he sometimes takes this as some uber feminist aggressive point on my part or does a patronising 'I think its great you go out with your friends' I ca't texplain it really without making himk sound like a twat,because he's never stopped me from doing exactly what i want. I think I've stopped myself from doing that, too many times.

I've always been resentful that men can just go out to the football, or the pub and know that childcare is automatically sorted but when i do I have to make sure he's there for the kids, which scuppers any spontaniety

This has reared its head A LOT throughout our marriage

Ah meno thanks for that

I dont know what I'm goping to do! Ride it out untl I dont feel like this anymore, probably

I can never imagine having the 'I'm leaving' conversation, because I wouldnt. I know I woudlnt. But I need to step up my life, stop feeling guilty and get my kicks where I can. And if he wants to think its backlash, he's probably right

You met when you were 17 and both of you have changed an awful lot since then. You more than he; he seems quite happy pottering along like this for the next decade or so because his needs are being met.

What happens when the children leave home and its just the two of you then?.
What are you teaching your children about relationships here?.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

Those thorny questions need serious thought rather than you trying to ride it out. Those feelings you have are persistant and will not go away; infact they will intensify and any residual love you have left for him could well turn into resentment. Carrying on in what is a failing marriage does no-one here any favours at all.

Attila I have given lots of thought to what we will do when the children have left home

Sometimes I think it will be the making of us because we will have the time to explore our interests separately or together, there are some things we do enjoy doing as a coupe. But when I'm at a low ebb the thought fills me with absolute dread. Is it a waste of a life? But is the grass always greener? Whats the alternative?
Its easy to imagine this perfect idyll around the corner but I dont think anyones life is really like that, is it?

In terms of teaching my children lessons about relstionships, I have told my daughter not to rush, to become indepent first rather than trying to claw it back when you are older. ( I havent related this directly to my experience)

As I said before I think I'm going to have to concentrate on making myself happy.
But I'd never really concentrated on whether my needs were being met properly in the marriage and I can see that they probably aren't. That's a tricky conversation to have

Single. My mind is buzzing too. I keep coming back to wanting a loving relationship and wanting that with him, no one else. I don't want to take from your thread so am posting this on mine, but I wondered if you want the same things? If so, perhaps it is worth keeping on? Do you like him? Can you, would you, be happy with this man if some parts of your relationship altered? And for me (but perhaps for you) is it worth carrying in trying?

Big questions. I have spent years at this impasse. Years when children have had a slightly off relationship modelled for them. In some ways I wish I had opted for more dramatic change some time ago.

42 is still so young.
I am 43 and feel like my life is just beginning.
I think after so many years of sacrificing your happiness for your family, you should start to dream big and grab those dreams.
Life is only once.
Do it!
42 is young, young, young.
:)))))

Dear Single,
You're absolutely right to feel like you have a right to be happy, WITH him, cos that's what relationships do; they make the TOGETHER better than the ME or I... IYKWIM!
You are also right to feel cheated when its you who's wearing the trousers in the home! He's not only selfish, but completely unaware of your needs and interests. So, IIWY, I'd sit him down to a 'serious' talk, and voice how you feel- include all the biggies- you feeling lonely when he's all engrossed in his own 'hobby' world... how you feel guilty to make time for yourself, cos he just won't take the initiative WRT the Dcs...How you feel unfulfilled as a woman- its his job as yor DH/DP, to make you feel loved up and spend time with you, making you feel loved, and not the other way around- and MOST importantly, ask him a question- would he, happily, give up his hobbies, pass-times, etc just to be with you and the DCs and genuinely feel great about himself??! If he takes time to answer, you'll know that he's being super-selfish, and TELL him- that's what you've done all the years you've been married to the guy. Also, while you're having the TALK, tell him, its high time he looks after your needs and happiness for a change!
yo don't say how old your DCs are, but I'm sure, if they're teenagers, they hear, perceive and see a lot more than we adults can imagine. My SiL was talking to me about such a thing yesterday, where a ten yr old boy was involved.
All the best for your talk with your DH, and taking care of your OWN happiness is not being selfish, especially since you're the one who's making DCs and home feel like HOME!!
If the talk goes well, then its a good sign, as he will surely WAKE up to how you feel- from the looks of it, you've kept on a brave face and been in-charge without telling him you want HIM to wear the pants for a change. Also, knowing your job situation would help. do you/ does he work full time or work from home?? That would explain his preoccupation with his hobbies and talking about them all the time.
hugggs.

Shine's advice was great.
I was just 'in the moment'.

Another book worth getting is 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall.

The only other advice I would give is don't do anything rashly. Your DH doesn't sound like a nasty man you need to leave, but you two have definitely lost your way. Why don't you get some counselling on your own do figure out who you are now and what you want? Do you really want to be on your own or just in a more fulfilling partnership? That might be possible with your DH, or it might not.... but it's worth doing a decent amount of digging on your own and together before you can decide that.

As we know, all men are telepathic. This tosser sounds like he is deliberately wearing a lead hat. Ditch him immediately.

Alternatively, make some quiet time, sit him down and spell out exactly what you posted in the OP. All relationships get in a bit of a rut. He may not be happy either. You do have 'loved up' times, so not all is lost.

If people were as direct and plain-speaking in real life as they were on forums like this, I can't help thinking that there would be a lot more happy relationships.

Thanks lady I ordered that one earlier (altho it cant be delivered until mid March, annoyingly)

Today, I havent waited for him to 'get on with stuff' but have proceeded to strip and decorrate my utility room, a job I've been meaning to do for ages

As I have 'taken the lead' he is fixing the shower. I know its all boring stuff compared to what some other women are subject to in their relationships

Meno you asked if we coudl be happy and yes we could, we ahve been, many times. But those times are fewer and further apart partly because I think I'm at the age where I'm thinking 'is this it?'.

So I'm making the concerted effort NOT to invest so much of myself in the reltionship, be more like a man if you like, pleasing myself and not waiting. I read your thread and I think you might need to do the same, we cant expect others to make us happy

I just need to get the balance right between detatching myself a bit but still having a relationship

I've realised too his relationship with me is very much like that of his Dad with his Mum. His Dad is very very much in love with MIL and completely devoted but can come and go as he pleases, football, golf, pub what have you. And MIL is also commited to her hobbies but is very much apron wearing home maker. I am not like that . I have demanded more from him and thats where the tension and resentment comes from

A marrage should be worked at - you made a commitment to each other. May be try talking though your problems and seeing a councillor to help you out- not just quit because your bored.

Orchids I wouldn't quit because I'm bored- just need to get my head round what my expectations of him and myself are, and how to make things work better than they currently are

Sanjeev, there is an element of lead hat wearing from my H, he thinks if he keeps his head down for long enough my 'mood' will blow over and I'll be back to normal again-his line is straight and unbending, mine is up and down like a bloody rollercoaster.

Its hard to have that frank blunt discussion because it often turns into 'Bring me the calendar, I'll show you how many nights out I've had the last 6 months' which is totally NOT the point

Single, it's interesting that his parents have the relationship you describe. They seem happy with each other, so it's likely that he sees that as a blueprint for other 'happy' relationships.

Home truths are never easy. You could do worse that let him read this discussion on here. As odd as it sounds, everything is here in black and white. You have had some great advice here because you have spelled out exactly what makes you unhappy. Your expression of your problem is clear, concise and unambiguous - exactly the type of information that the male brain can cope with.

Just when I was thinking yes there could potentially be light at the end of the tunnel- he has taken youngest to the theatre (I was supposed to go, organised tickets etc then thought why should I, I've been here all half term with the kids)

As they were leaving I spotted a Racing Post tucked in H's coat pocket. 'Why are you taking that? I asked 'To read on the train' he replied

Am I stupid in thinking he should be talking to his son on the train? Not utilising a spare 30 mins for some extra horse research? Or is that me over analyising again

Of course he should be talking to son. How sad that he prefers to read.

I know meno, I thought that.

He just doesn't think, and makes me feel unreasonable for pointing it out to him, like I'm out to spoil his fun all the time just for the sake of it

We're in a right pickle the two of us, arent we