Contact from toxic family, a bit long.

[CleaningWindows]

I had a bit of counselling a few years back,and after I realised how toxic my family were. Over time I cut contact, I did it bit by bit. I realised that the family I grew up with treated me as a scapegoat, and the extended family took their lead from my family I lived with, this carried on to adult hood. I am ashamed to say I did some silly things to get away from them, giving them reasonto pick on me, I provoked them I realise now, to see them in action to make it easier to get away. As they got nasty as a result I cut them out of my life. I hurt like hell for over a year. I feel ok now, got used to the situation of being without family and only the odd time miss a family, not necessarily individuals.

There is an Aunt who although let me down, by not saying anything, when she was the only adult outside my parents and sibling that knew what was going on. She was kind to me as an adult, as i was to her, and I do think liked my giving her attention, not sure if it was me she liked. She still sends cards, I don't respond.

There is a distant cousin who was the last I removed from facebook, after she made what I felt at the time was a cruel note on my wall, I defriended her, this was about two years ago.

I haven't been on facebook in a while, and found a friend request from the distant cousin, I didnt accept, I messaged to say I was surprised to get the request, and why ask me and why now? I remember her as being nice on the whole, the thing is I was very green, and didn't always see wolves in sheeps clothes, which I do better now.

I feel a bit out of sorts with this happening. Will this be the end of things, is this an answer to prayers, and the beginning of things being better, not on as good terms with the extended family, and getting some respect or them wanting to be nosey etc? If I accept her will others put in requests?

I understand they have all had many a session of saying how horrible I am and was as a child, I heard this before I cut contact, and I was told by my sibling who hates me and told me in front of my children a few months ago, that everyone else does too. ( I didn't plan to spend time with the sibling, I bumped into them, I have no relationship with them since childhood) . I was told I would be attacked by everyone at the parents funerals and would find out what everyone thinks of me, I responded in had no intention of going anyways, which pulled the rug out from under them.

I just don't know what to do if she is nice to me?

This sounds horrible, and really sad. I don't know what I would do about the cousin. Just go with your gut instinct. I hope you have goood friends, and a dp who compensate for you not having a loving family

I wouldn't bother op. I suspect you will only get injured again.

I'm sorry you've had such a terrible experience with your family. What on earth do they think you have done to deserve such awful treatment?

Protect your children from them and keep well away.

Every single person in your family and extended family is toxic?

This is really sad to read OP. I'd probably get back in touch with your nice aunt if I was you.

CleaningWindows ...I think your family history gives you lots of reason to be very wary of any contact with any part of your family. If you've been to counselling and worked it through then you know that dysfunctional families need a scapegoat that they can dump on. You'll also know that they dont change....they have no reason to.

I would be very self-protective. Why is your cousin trying to contact you now? Is it an attempt to reel you back in? Are you strong enough to walk away undamaged if they kick off again? You sound vulnerable still- ''is this an answer to prayers, the beginning of things being better, getting some respect''. And that vulnerability could be exploited- take care.

I think... I think what I'd want to do would be to thank the cousin for her interest, but ever so politely and kindly decline to accept her befriending. She may be doing this out of good motives (which is why you don't ignore her or tell her to feck off and die) but she may not - and it's still a possible "in" for other members of the family, as you realise. So I'd say look, it's nice of you to get in touch after all this time, but I'm afraid I do need to keep completely away from the whole tribe for my own sanity. I wish you well etc. (Only being me, I'd do it in far too many words.)

Stay away from FB and ignore any friends request the cousin has made. Infact I would deactivate your account altogether. People act like this for a reason; its more often than not to draw you back in so you can become their scapegoat again.

The best way to deal with this lot is live well yourselves and have nothing to do with any of them. Concentrate instead on your own family unit and have good role models.

Oh dear bless your heart my dear, what a crock of shite.

I shall start with that!!!!!

Several things have jumped out at me from what you've written, and the most important one is how you say what a horrible kid you were. But no-one was loving you. So no wonder you were unhappy. I recommend Louise L hay's book about learning to love yourself. You deserve love just like everyone else. You are not a horrible person. If you beat a dog, it will go one of two ways; either try to slink away and be hand shy, or it will turn around and bite you. I think most abused kids are a mix of the two.

Regarding your family, I too am in the exact same boat there, I knocked them on the head about 6 years ago now, and it can be hard at times, and they occasionally make contact attempts. But what I have done is report them to the Police for harrassment and then ring them back up on whatever 1471 number it was and tell them. The last time they tried that, I told them they had never loved me, I had never once felt valued and loved by that family, and they had always told me they wished I had never been born and why don't I f off, and so I asked them why didn't they give me away? I feel that they are all dead to me now, and the grieving happened when we parted ways, so even when they do die I don't suppose it will hurt that much.

Your difficulty is the fact that the wider family may not know the ins and outs of the abuse, having not seen it within the nuclear family. So cousins and Aunts and so on may well try to encourage you to be conciliatory. This is very dangerous.

Who is there for YOU???

I think that at the early stage of leaving, it is imperative that you have someone on your side only, saying 'I don't want you to go back to any of them whatsoever.' Not aunts and cousins who may try to inveil you back into the madhouse.....

So my advice is to ignore and block, and say goodbye, and work on loving yourself, at long last, and well needed. Drink love for yourself down like a drowning woman and watch vigilantly the gates to see who is knocking at them, and don't let imposters in. They had their chance with you and they blew it. Are they coming to back you up or to smooth over at your expense? Exactly.

I'd ignore tbh. I cut myself off from my extended family on my mums side because they were all nasty about DS because of his autism. Never given them chance to reconcile because I myself cab never forgive them. I found by totally blanking them my life is easier. It's hard at times because my mum is still in contact so birthday parties etc have to be avoided, but DS doesn't like birthday parties anyway.

If they see you around my theory is be icilly (sp?) polite and move past as fast as you can. That way there is nothing to start slagging you off about.

Thank you all for the responses. I don't see any of them around, I don't shop locally, I go to other towns. A lot of the extended family live overseas anyway.

Unfortunately I don't have a partner, that was the counselling catalyst, working through that relationship, and how I realised that relationship wasn't the first abusive relationship. I don't have many friends any more for various reasons, after I went through all those personal issues. I kind of needed to be alone to heal and find myself, if that makes sence anyways.

I was very angry with the Aunt as she knew what was going on, she did nothing, and clouded in allowing me to be a scapegoat for things her child did as well, so that annoys me that I got battered for something her child did, and then ostracised by them all, I was reception age, it was in front of them all, I got the over the top consequences for her child's behaviour and was punished in front of everyone, no one did anything for me. I remember that and it keeps me away from them. That attitude is why I felt worthless. I think you are right, mostly I was a people pleading slave, I did what was needed tp survive. Then every so often I would do childish daft things. Apparently, I got on a garage roof, when I was seven, wouldn't come down, and got a battering when I did, I dont remember, another cousin told me as an example of how naughty I was.

I know the Aunts children were not battered or humiliated, the other cousins were badly abused, and neglected, the whole family knew. They were dirty and smelly when they went to school, no proper food etc, the Dad my Uncle would be away working, come home and the Wife would squander the money, he would batter the kids, she would too, it's all horrible, and why they have the ideas they have. The children from the Aunts family, were loved, not battered, left money in wills and treated very differently, they are manipulative, liars and their lives I now realise are smokescreens, so I don't want to be near them.

The other side of my family never were close to me, we were the black sheep, they didn't like my Dad, I now know that my Mother manipulated him and scapegoated him, made herself out to be a victim etc, she's is incapable of apologising or taking responsibility for anything, she seriously thinks she is the worlds best Mum and a wonderful person, so do others, she's not.

Writing this has been helpful. It's brought back the strength. Thank you for being my sounding board.

Battered?

I hope you never have to meet these people again.