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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm starting to hate poorly DH

26 replies

plantsitter · 18/02/2012 22:03

I know I'm being a bit of a bitch. DH has had 'flu this week and has been quite poorly. But he is SUCH a horrible invalid!!

He can't possibly crack a glimmer of a smile. If you ask him if he's feeling better he always says 'no' even if he patently is a bit better. He sits about on the sofa with his skanky dressing gown on, looking glum and sniffing. If you ask him if he'd like, say, a cup of tea, he'll say 'yes' and no please or thank you. If you suggest he might like something to eat he'll say 'no' in a can't you see I'm ILL, woman? What a ridiculous suggestion!' tone of voice. I CAN'T STAND IT and it's making me actually think I hate him.

Admittedly part of this could be my problem because my dad was often ill or depressed or both when I was a kid so I wonder if I'm projecting a bit. Also I'm a SAHM so I'm never allowed a sick day but DH has slept in and not had to do anything round the house for the last five days (he wouldn't even really look at the kids in case they came up to him and caught the flu). I know this inequality is oretty much unavoidable.

What can I do to stop feeling so ANGRY about it? Is it worth mentioning when he's better or am I in fact just being selfish and bitchy and should just get a grip? Has anyone found a way to cope when their partner is malingering ill? I'm actually worried about how our relationship would cope if he ever gets seriously ill.

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 18/02/2012 22:04

I feel your pain DH is a hypochondriac, currently has flu, and each sniff grates on me. Before his flu, he had some mystery itching illness, before that back problems. It's very dull.

MonsterBookOfTysons · 18/02/2012 22:08

I also hate dh when he is ill, I don't know why, but we do laugh about it.
Dh doesn't mind when I am ill as he ignore's the dc and plays on the ps3

clam · 18/02/2012 22:09

Hmm, don't know where to start. I feel your pain - all I can say is that it improved a bit once, a) the kids got older and there was less of an incentive to be out of action completely and, b) when I commented how much more of a sickly type in general he was compared to me. This seemed to offend some sense of masculine pride and he's manned up a bit since.
Hang in there... and maybe stop offering him tea and things, if he's going to be so bloody rude about it. Faking Being ill is no excuse for bad manners.

Original poster

plantsitter · 18/02/2012 22:16

Well at least I'm not alone so thanks ladies. Hope the kids getting older does improve things.

Think it probably is me being a bit cow-y too. I was feeling venomously resentful because DH got the luxury of an unaccompanied visit to the doctor's yesterday rather than having to drag along two fidgety kids like I always have to!

OP posts:

Laurale31 · 18/02/2012 22:18

Ha ha I could have wrote this post! I can't stand it when my dh is ill! I have no sympathy whatsoever! I think he lays it on thick and iv noticed he seems to lose his voice like he has a sore throat no matter whats wrong ! Like last wk he had sickness bug and voice gone! It's all in his head lol! I blame my mum she has no sympathy for my dad and he was also depressed, ill etc.
I do feel guilty sometimes as I know he probably does feel terrible but I can't help it! When I'm ill I have to look after kids as normal, And he has no sympathy for me!
Interested to see what other people say though x

countessbabycham · 18/02/2012 22:20

My DH also has flu.I take the piss out of him.Its an unspoken rule in our house that we give each other no sympathy.Stops malingering.I have been chucking in the odd cup of tea and bottle of water for him though.But he is being quite affable.

Catsdontcare · 18/02/2012 22:21

I get pissed of when dh is Ill and I think it's bitterness that he gets to be ill in peace, stay in bed and generally wallow in self pity.

Tragically that's the one I am looking forward to when the children are grown, being I'll in peace!

Stop offering him things or enquiring about how he feels

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 18/02/2012 22:23

So what happens if you're ill? You have to carry on as usual?
If so, no wonder you get fed up when your DH plays the invalid when he has the sniffles.

carernotasaint · 18/02/2012 22:24

OP i care for my DH who has stable chronic heart failure and ATBI (Acquired Traumatic Brain Injury) and i get a bit resentful sometimes too so i know where you are coming from.

SingingTunelessly · 18/02/2012 22:26

Well hopefully he'll be better soon and go back to work. It's tough being a SAHM I know when you don't get any official sick leave to lie around and just be ILL. Keep smiling it will be over soon.

Original poster

plantsitter · 18/02/2012 22:32

Laurale - yes! That stupid croaky voice whatever the illness!

I think it's legitimate to get resentful sometimes if you're a long term carer, carernotasaint. I think I should probably be a bit more sympathetic in the short term. I just don't think I can!

OP posts:

justanuthermanicmumsday · 18/02/2012 22:33

sounds like nearly all of the alien spedies are the same. here i was thinking its just asian men. you're not being a bitch, in fact my sister would say you shold be a bitch toughen up, but im prob the same. i feel guilty so. wait hand and foot on my husband, but when im ill as most wmen out there i dont get to sit in bed at all, not even if. have the flu. but according to y husband in the 6 odd years i think weve been married ive nevrer had the flu? said dont be absurd i must have but i just feel terrible and carry on coz someo e has got to feed our kids and his mother!

i think us women should do the man flu act and milk it for what its worth they might appreciate us more

mousebacon · 18/02/2012 22:35

I'm exactly the same! I can't stand DH being 'poorly' because whatever it is he feels the need to take to his bed and just opt out of family life - like that's ever an option for me!?

Prime example - I'm 24 weeks pg, was up at 3am vomiting and still got up at 6.30 with DS because DH has a 'bad cold' Aaaggh!!!

Toomanyplates · 18/02/2012 23:03

mousebacon, my DH does the same, just goes to bed and opts out of family life and responsiblity, whilst I never have that luxury. When DD2 was born I went home from hospital after 6 hours and DH went off to bed for a lie down as soon as we got home as he had a headache, leaving me to sort out DD1, and tidy up before visitors arrived.

smugmumofboys · 18/02/2012 23:08

But does he have 'the walk' as well?

Whenever DH has man-flu he always does this moribund shuffle around the house. I take the piss mercilessly and bugger off to work so he can get his own tea and night nurse.

lydiamama · 18/02/2012 23:15

Well at least you know it will end soon, as five days for a flue a quite a lot, and he can not be so ill for any longer. I do not remember any female I know being down for so long for a flu???, just two, maximum three days, if it was so bad that we had fever, why do they get ILLER than us women?

NormanTheForeman · 18/02/2012 23:18

Hmmm.......... dh has been ill for 4 weeks now...............

clam · 19/02/2012 09:02

lydia depends what you interpret as flu. Real flu is where you simply cannot lift your head off the pillow. I've had that three times in my long life and each time was off work/school for around 2 weeks, and still feeling under the weather for a further week.
Irritates me when men people call a bad cold flu.

defineme · 19/02/2012 09:14

Toomanyplates- you've stayed married to this man? Really really unpleasant behaviour.

OP-no excuse for lack of manners-he needs telling.Also, if you are ever so ill you can't get out of bed then he needs to stay off to look after the kids.When I was hallucinating and shaking with flu dh stayed off.
I take the kids out if dh is ill.

DonkeyTeapot · 19/02/2012 09:25

He sounds hard work. I agree with those saying stop offering him drinks - or at least when he does his sulky "yes," correct his manners. I know it's irritating when they take to their bed if you don't get to do the same, but at least that'd keep his self pitying sniffling out of earshot.

ineedamiracle · 19/02/2012 09:39

DH is NEVER ill - illness is for the weak in his opinion (thinks DS2 must have something wrong with his immune system as he has had a vomiting bug AND a chest infection this winter!!) Anyway, poor DH got a D&V bug last week (was VERY cross with the colleagues at work who must have given it to him as they had...wait for it...flu...!!!!!) I was working night's and spent all night caring for critically ill patients and came home to a poorly DH...joy! I had to sleep in DS2's bunkbed (comfy) whilst DH malingered in our bed! Needless to say, my TLC encouraged him to go back to work the next day (despite me kindly informing him of the 48 hour clear rule) xx

tribpot · 19/02/2012 09:41

I know this inequality is pretty much unavoidable.

Is it? Why?

Mimishimi · 19/02/2012 09:58

Haha... they don't call it manflu for nothing!!!! My DH and DS are both the same. When they are sick, they are nearly dying and must be tended to hand and foot. We must never belittle their obviously potential fatal illness or show anything less than total devotion and concern. When I am sick with a minor illness, I am mostly expected or have to be stoic about it...

vezzie · 19/02/2012 14:01

I was wondering that too, tribpot.

I fell for it at first (my mother is the sort who would soldier on through bubonic plague while my father is the sort who needs a week off with a nasty spot and they must have got into my subconscious) but am now on my second maternity leave and I'm buggered if DP is the only one who is allowed to be ill.

to be fair he is very nice to me when I am sick and all the struggling on was my own fault before. But we've seen a few changes around here. I wouldn't expect him to come back from work unless I couldn't stand up (have never asked him to), but you're still not going to be 100 per cent when the weekend comes - and then it's his turn.

Original poster

plantsitter · 19/02/2012 15:40

Some of the inequality is unavoidable because, for example, DH has just had nearly a week off work sick. If I get the flu next week he would be worried about taking more time off, and I wouldn't blame him. I could get friends/family to help out here and there, but understandably nobody is up for completely taking over when I've got two kids under 3. DH does his share when he's back from work and takes over once he gets home if I'm ill. He's an annoying invalid but not a monster.

OP posts:

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