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Original poster

Help with DD - I need perspective

32 replies

Sylvana · 18/02/2012 21:41

My 17 year old DD has been seeing a boy of 19 for 9 months. He's a student, and is a nice young man, a bit dorky but they seem well suited. He doesn't appear to have any money, not unusual for a student but I have discovered my DD is paying for everything from cinema outings, fast food meals, even paying for his train fare home. My DD doesn't have much money either - she gets the odd babysitting job and gets money for her birthday/Christmas etc but I've discovered her savings are severly depleted.

He stays with us every second weekend and we drive him down to the train to go home. He always says "I just need my train fare" as we prepare to leave the house. I have given it to him on several occasions, so has my DH. This has started to peeve me a little so I pretended not to hear him last time. My DD ran up the stairs and came down with the money for him.

I questioned her about it when we got home. I asked her why he doesn't have his train fare home. She said because he has no money. I asked her why his parents don't give him the train fare and she said perhaps they don't have it either Hmm

I told her I wasn't happy about it and explained that it wasn't right she was paying for everything and it amounted to her being used. I told her that if he didn't have the money for his train fare home then he shouldn't be visiting in the first place!

Roll on to this weekend. He was getting ready to leave and I heard him whisper to her. DD ran up the stairs and came down and slipped him the money for his train fare. She thinks I didn't notice.

The fact that he thinks its o.k. to continually look for money from her and not see anything wrong with it sits very uncomfortably with me. I explained this to her 2 weeks ago and I thought she understood. But now she is just doing it in secret.

Am I overreacting here or am I right to be concerned ?? What do I do ??

OP posts:
Foxinsocks · 18/02/2012 21:47

You're not wrong - that would annoy and worry me too.

I would actually have a word with him. Presumably if he's there for a weekend, you could have a meal together and ask him about what he's doing, how he's making ends meet.

I think what you've seen with dd now means she will go behind your back with this one. Unfortunately I am guessing this will be a lesson she learns with hindsight. I don't know what your relationship is with your dd but I know with mine I would tell her I saw.

Foxinsocks · 18/02/2012 21:49

I also think none of you have said no yet! You said yes as did dh and dd continues to say yes! So no one has ever said no to him. He may well be the type of lad that will keep asking until somebody says no.

Heyyyho · 18/02/2012 21:53

Bloody cheek!
This would really rile me. You would have to tether me to wild horses to stop me from confronting him.

Original poster
Sylvana · 18/02/2012 22:17

Thank you everyone. Just needed it confirmed really. I will sort it.

OP posts:
CrystalsAreCool · 18/02/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

21YrOldMan · 19/02/2012 08:46

"I've discovered her savings are severly depleted."

As long as she won't loose more than a couple of hundred pounds I wouldn't worry too much as she'll learn the lesson the hard way in a month or two when. (I just hope she doesn't have access to overdraft facilities- I don't think you do at 17 though)

If she's got thousands in savings and could/will loose all of it, then you need to step in.

21YrOldMan · 19/02/2012 08:47

p.s If he's a university student there's no reason other than not being taught how to budget properly that he shouldn't have money enough for a train fare.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/02/2012 08:56

The young man sounds like a cocklodger in waiting.

It's very sad that your DD still feels the need to pander to his wants, even after your talk. I was the same at her age, though, and really don't know what to recommend. I also learned the hard way, but only after a series of abusive relationships.

Is there an assertiveness course you could send her to, or a good women-run self-defense class? Those usually cover an examination of boundaries - the fact that we have them, and are entitled to have them be respected. Very little of it is actually learning physical self-defense. Being in a woman-only space like that and examining the fact that she is allowed to say no to what others, specifically men, ask of herald to think of her own interests first could be useful to her.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/02/2012 08:57

*her, and
not herald

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2012 09:20

If he's visiting on the train why hasn't he got a return ticket from wherever he travels from? He should also have a student railcard which gives a third (i think) off travel, should't cost him much at all. he sounds like a loser .

Willabywallaby · 19/02/2012 09:27

Why can't he sponge off his own parents?

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 09:33

If he has time to come visiting, he has time to get a part time job and pay his own way!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/02/2012 09:36

I'm probably being a little OTT here but his behaviour disgusts me, and reminds me to a couple of times I was taken advantage of by cocklodgers in my teens and early twenties. If I were you I would also be worried that he might become controlling in other ways towards your daughter as he seems to be controlling her financially. Especially all the whispering because he KNOWS you will say no.

How much are her savings? Like others have said, if only a few hundred pounds then leave her to it but refuse to subsidise him and her, but if it's a thousand or more then I think you need to step in.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 09:38

Teens are often much more likely to take notice of their peers rather than their parents...

Does she have a sibling who could have a word with her? Or do you know her closest friends well enough to ask them to speak to her without her knowing that it has come from you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2012 09:48

No you are not overreacting and this cockoldger will bleed her dry eventually. When her money runs out he'll be gone.

She like many if not all 17 year olds is naive and probably thinks her actions are loving ones. I think your 17 year old has landed a bad 'un as a boyfriend (he probably latched onto her because she is easily manipulated). The very last thing she needs is a series of bad boys like this one so her own behaviour must change and her relationship bar raised.

Both you and your DH needs to stop giving him money as of now?.

Don;t drive him to the train station either; why is that happening as well?. You're all seen by this bloke as a soft touch.

He is using her as a cashpoint and sadly she is also allowing that to happen probably because she has not yet got the nouse or enough self worth within her to say no to him and stand up for herself. Her self esteem will be badly damaged by such a person so you must act because she won't do it. She does not realise that she is being financially abused.

I would be giving your DD also a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as well as having strong words with him.

ISayHolmes · 19/02/2012 09:49

He sounds incredibly entitled. I was an incredibly skint university student and the thought of ever telling one of ex's parents "I just need my train fare" makes me cringe- who casually expects their girlfriend or her parents to shell out for them? And it's EVERY time? I agree with Hexagonal, it's pathetic. It shows a lack of respect for her and it's draining any chance of her paying for things she wants- holidays, a car, saving for university etc.

I would be tempted to ask him straight out, to his face, why he doesn't have the money for the train fare. Although I imagine that could upset your dd. But it's not like they're splitting things 60-40 or something more understandable, she's paying for everything. It can't go on!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2012 09:50

You can kiss goodbye to any of this money ever being repaid as well. This person will eventually move onto another willing victim soon enough.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/02/2012 09:53

I agree with Attila; it is indeed financial abuse. I know your daughter will probably say that he loves her etc etc but you need to have firm words with her about setting boundarie and telling him no. I guarantee if she tells him no once or twice the relationship will be over, which would really tell her everything she needs to know about him wouldn't it?

BertieBotts · 19/02/2012 09:59

I wonder if it would help to give her an example/expectation of how he should behave if he genuinely has no money?

He should be embarrassed by her paying for everything, not because she's a girl, but because it's not fair to lean on one person to this degree.

He could be suggesting free things that they could do together, rather than expecting to go on paid outings all the time.

He shouldn't be arriving without his train fare expecting to be given it. What if you didn't have it? How would he get home then? He should tell her "I can't come because I don't have train fare" and then only if she offers he should agree to come. Not just expect her to offer each time.

And, finally, he should get a job so that he can treat her and/or pay her back for the things she's spent money on for them to do together.

This is what a respectful but skint boyfriend would do.

RockChick1984 · 19/02/2012 10:22

I agree it's not ideal, but without knowing the full circumstances I think a lot of people here are being a bit overdramatic! How do you know he's not been mortified about asking for the train fare before coming over, and your DD has offered to pay it/said you will pay it? Would it bother you as much if she was paying for herself to get the train over to see him ever weekend?

Maybe suggest to your DD that she goes to visit him instead from now on if it bothers you so much, at least that way she is paying for her own ticket rather than his!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/02/2012 10:23

He doesn't sound very mortified in the way he asks, RockChick! A blase "I need my train fare". He sounds very entitled and as though he expects it to be paid for him

squeakytoy · 19/02/2012 10:27

I agree with RockChick... talk of giving her a Lundy Bancroft book, and yelling "financial abuse" is rather silly. These are two teenagers who do not even live together... if it was the other way around and the boyfriend was paying for everything, I doubt anyone would really bat an eyelid.

hopkin · 19/02/2012 10:29

He sounds like an idiot, too. If he knows that it's an issue to you, why doesn't her ask your daughter for the money when they're alone together, instead of whispering to her about it in front of you? Fool.

daytoday · 19/02/2012 10:29

Aside from the money, what is their relationship like? Is he kind hearted etc?

Does your daughter fear if she doesn't give him the money he won't see her?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/02/2012 10:33

Squeaky, even though they are two teenagers who do not live together, the pattern they are displaying is that of utter entitlement (on his part), and doing anything for the sake of keeping the relationship (hers).

Not a healthy pattern, right there.

Can also get more horrible, even for two teenagers who do not live together, if this pattern is repeated wrt sex, for example.

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