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Relationships

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Original poster

Third date at his house?

33 replies

Datingagain · 18/02/2012 18:23

I have (just) started seeing someone new. My sister knows his brother, so not a total stranger. Have been on two (great) dates already, over the course of a few weeks. Can't meet up that often as we both have DC. I really like him, seems a genuinely nice guy (though have been wrong about this in the past!).

We are supposed to be going for dinner next weekend, but he has now suggested (him) cooking for me at his house. I feel a bit weird about this - although I do like him, I'm not ready to sleep with him. Well, I could, but feel if this is going to be worthwhile, we should wait a bit longer. And I wonder if by saying yes to coming to his, he's going to expect more.

I know I should just reply and say this, but feel a bit confused. If he's genuinely a good one, I know he'll understand etc, but am I being a prude? Or sensible? Please advise - have totally lost my dating rules / radar. Thanks.

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/02/2012 18:25

You are being sensible, and if he's worth it, he'll understand and not try to push you into something you're not ready for.

ronx · 18/02/2012 18:26

You know he is inviting you to his house because he wants to sleep with you. If you're not ready, then eat dinner in a restaurant.

YANBU

ToxicToria · 18/02/2012 18:27

I think you are being sensible, are you happy to say that dinner is fine but anything else is off the menu? If you are then I think you should tell him that! If not just say you would be happier going out but would love him to cook for you at a later date?

janelikesjam · 18/02/2012 18:28

Meal at his house means sex. Just the way it is. Why the change of plan? Why can you not go out for dinner as per the original plan? You are not being a prude, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

Datingagain · 18/02/2012 18:48

Thanks for your replies - yes, you're right. Will say I'd rather go out - actually I would anyway! Spend too much time in my own house, will be nice to be out in the real world again. Just don't want to mess this up - I do really like him!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 19:03

I feel as I've walked into a 1950's time-warp.

Why would you assume that he has an ulterior motive in offering to cook you a meal at his home and, in the event that he reveals lavicious intent post-dessert, are you not capable of saying no on the night?

Who are you not trusting here? Yourself or him?

I don't rush to bed men after a few dates and I prefer to take a look at their homes long before I'm ready to jump in the sack with them.

If you're concerned that lust will prevail you might jump his bones, book a cab to cocllect you an hour or so after you anticipate the end of the meal.

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 19:23

Yes, izzy, but it's an awful lot less pressure if you go out somewhere instead of being alone together.

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 19:24

Ah, I get it - you're worried that if he cooks for you, you'll have to reciprocate and cook for him and, before you know it, you won't get to 'go out' with him.

In that case, find a place you''d like to go to - pub/restaurant/theatre/cinema etc - next weekend and suggest that he puts the meal he was proposing to cook on the back burner as you enjoy being seen out and about with him.

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 19:28

I enjoy observing the males of the species alone in their usual habitat, kodachrome. Must be the naturalist in me

Sandalwood · 18/02/2012 19:31

Could he simply be trying to save money - but he still wants to see you?

Finallyfinally · 18/02/2012 19:31

It is a coded way of saying let's shag. So the only response is, that sounds like a nice thing to do at some point but on this occasion can we eat out? Unless he's been paying for all the meals and is just skint, that is...

Original poster

Datingagain · 18/02/2012 19:50

Yes, I was wondering about the money thing. Although he has paid for some things, I've bought drinks etc too, so not as if I'm expecting him to pay for a full meal anyway- but who knows.

If that is the case, I don't want to seem like a diva demanding to go out, or for him to assume that I assume he wants to sleep with me if I go to his.

I guess I quite like the idea of the flirty bit of eating out and then the not knowing bit of what happens next. Whereas if I go to his, I would feel like it was going to be assumed (by me as well as him) that I would stay. Maybe I've got weird 1950s ideas izzy, I'm just very out of practice and want to do the right thing

I also think - if this is going to go anywhere - let's make the most of the bar / restaurant / getting dressed up and actually going out bit. I know that it doesn't necessarily last that long anyway...

OP posts:

mummybare · 18/02/2012 19:55

Or you could just accept, but not shave your legs. That way you'll make sure you make an excuse and leave before you get too close, but still get to check out his house and cooking skills. :o

Either way, have fun.

Original poster

Datingagain · 18/02/2012 19:58

Mummybare, that is a great idea. And wear dodgy pants. Top advice

OP posts:

catsareevil · 18/02/2012 19:59

If you think that money might be an issue, you could say that you want to eat out, but make it clear in some way that you will be paying for the meal.

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 20:05

Dodgy pants have never stopped me shagging anyone.

Go dutch.

BalloonSlayer · 18/02/2012 20:05

I think my 3rd date with DH was at his house.

And he offered for me to stay over (no strings). We did discuss whether or not we would sleep together when I arrived. Sounds clinical but DH thought it best to discuss it before we'd had a drink, which hadn't occurred to me and I REALLY appreciated it.

Reader, I shagged him.

Sneezeblossom · 18/02/2012 20:09

3rd date, he's thinking sex.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 18/02/2012 20:17

Yep he's hoping for a shag. Say you want to go out instead this time, maybe he could cook another day? He will either be a keeper and bide his time for the dumpy, or he will make a weak excuse to cancel any arranged date out and you won't hear from him again, is my guess. I hope he's as nice as you think he is.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 18/02/2012 20:18

Sorry that was rumpy pumpy not dumpy, damn iPad.

beautifulrose · 18/02/2012 20:23

My 3rd date with DH was at his flat too. I didn't sleep with him until about four months later .

We didn't discuss whether we'd sleep together, at the end of the night he offered to ring me a taxi or let me sleep in his bed while he'd take the sofa. We both ended up in his bed as it happens, but no shagging occurred.

I have had dinner with men I've dated in the past without sleeping with them as well. I am pretty clear about my boundaries and assertive so they'd never have been able to push me beyond my comfort zone.

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 20:34

And I thought I was cynical

I am reliably informed that a hairy bush and big knickers do not necessarily dampen the ardour of a horny passionate male, but wearing tired, mismatched old undies enables the female to withstand his advances.

When in doubt, resort to flattery. Tell him how much you enjoy being seen out with him. This delaying tactic always works for me and, after an evening of being squired around town, it seems a fitting end to leave them standing on the pavement blow them a kiss from the back of a cab.

ameliagrey · 18/02/2012 20:37

I don't think the venue is the issue. it's what you want to do that matters. FWIW me and DH were in a LDR. On our 3rd date he invited me to stay with him for the weekend. we have now been married 27 years.

springaroundthecorner · 19/02/2012 11:29

Oh Mummybare you made me laugh! That would definitely work for me!

OP can you see if you could find some kind of meal out "offer" and suggest you go out for that as its "such a good deal" and you could delay the night at his house that way.

I am stb divorced and I much prefer going out to staying in just with friends not even a date so know how you must feel. Even if I was dying to get into bed with a bloke, I would much prefer to be taken out and then get the offer in the taxi home, not over the washing up at his place!

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 12:05

It could be that he really likes you and wants to demonstrate his domestic skills ie not just cooking a meal but letting you see that his house is clean and tidy and attractively decorated, even. Obviously you know the man better than a load of internet sprites do: is your general impression of him that he's a good chap, or has he already been dropping hints that he wants sex? (Not that wanting sex is a crime of course, it's fine to want it and it's fine to suggest it as long as you take a refusal with good grace).

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