My temper is ruining my marriage - need advice

[AngryMonster]

First of all apologies: I am a regular poster but I have had to change my name for this as I don't find it very easy to discuss.

I don't have any close relatives or family or friends I can discuss this with.

I have a huge problem with my temper. I have had this problem as long as I can remember, mostly due to difficulties in my family and circumstances as a child and later as an adult.

I was in a very long relationship before getting married in 2002. It ended largely because my ex-boyfriend couldn't deal with my temper tantrums and depression.

I am now in serious danger of ruining my marriage. My DH won't touch me he is so upset with me. We have had no physical contact, apart from a few kisses on the cheek, for months. Basically we haven't had a sex life for 2.5 years (pregnancy + 1.5 years since DS was born).

I get angry easily and I shout at DH and have a go at him, sometimes for no apparent reason. I have also had some very serious conflicts with people at work in the past and had to leave several jobs because I found it difficult to get on with my bosses/work mates.

I would also admit to being very very depressed. I have suffered from depression before, but never for such a long time, basically on and off for the past 1.5 yaers since our son was born. The fact that DH won't touch me makes me even more depressed. The only thing that makes me feel happy and loved is my beautiful DS (1.5 years old).

I would consider anti-depressant drugs (I have taken these before) but can't take any now because I breastfeed. I found they had a calming effect on me, but I don't want to give up breastfeeding my son for at least another year or so.

Today DH and I had another row beacuse I shouted at him. Basically he says I need to get help or he will leave me.

Could any one please suggest what I should do to save my marriage ? I have been looking for Anger Management type courses on the internet, but can't find anything that does not cost a bomb.

Does any one know where I can get counselling or a course to deal with my anger for free in the London area ? I really can't afford to pay for anything as I am on benefits.

dh and I row about my alleged temper. He says I shout for no reason - I don't see it. He is over-sensitive and picks up on every minor irritation I may display. I get wound up, he gets upset . Result = a row.

At least you have recognised you have a problem. Maybe I'm in denal but I just can't accept I'm as bad as he seems to think I am.

galaxy - I reckon you are right about denial. I have alwyas found it easy to blame other people for my rubbish behaviour.

I don't think its easy becoming a reformed character when you have been doing the same thing all your life, it's like any addiction, I guess, a difficult habit to kick.

But like you say, may be recognition of the habit is the first step to recovery

AM - it is so easy to blame others isn't it? How are you doing? How was your weekend? I must admit I lost it a bit yesterday because I walked into "my" office and it was like a bomb had hit it. I do know this is one of my weaknesses - I expect the same standards from others as I expect of myself and I really do need to get away from this.

So today, I'm taking it easy and so what if a bomb's hit my dds' bedroom - it's Sunday and I'm entitled to a day off like everyone else.

Hello 21st !

Sorry to hear you are having stress. Yes, it's a good idea to think that mess isn't that important. Just relax, it's Sunday !!

I have been doing quite well, I think. Yesterday we went over to some friends for dinner. Usually I get into a real state when I am in hurry getting us all ready to go out and this can easily trigger a nasty episode of high pitched voice !!

I really really had to control myself though because we were about 30 minutes late and instead I joked to ease my own tension and it worked. No shouting whatsoever.

Then DS gave us a hard time when we got home because he wouldn't sleep and then around 11.30 pm, 3 hours after being put into bed, he started to scream and I started to get stressed again.

We then realised he is teething again as his cheeks were all red and a bit of calpol and cuddle worked that one out. He then woke again at 5.30 am (he usually sleeps through until 7:30 - 8:00 am) so DH and I had a crap amount of sleep last night, but again instead of being Mrs Grumpy and horrid to DH this morning which is what I usually do when I am tired, I tried to laugh it all off again, and DH and I joked about inventing some kind of hemlet to wear during nights that DS decides to scream his head off, etc

Oh, and I have asked DH to speak to our GP to get me a referral for AM course. I don't have the guts to ask GP myself !

Please post again and let me know how you are all doing. This thread is really helping me.

I'll have to try the joking - know any good jokes? Unfortunately when I start making a joke of things, dh thinks I'm being sarky and it turns into a row. I might try the breathing technique that they recommend.

Sorry to hear about ds teething - you do have to laugh about the sleepless nights don't you? I've got earplugs that seem to do the trick (well don't hear dh snoring!). My dd1 is really ill and nhs direct called an ambulance to her today but she seems to have perked up a bit so we didn't want her taken to hospital as they won't do anything for her anyway.

21st - just a suggestion, but tell your DH that you are trying to improve things and that laughter is a good cure for most things. I am sure he will get used to it and not think you are being sarcy.

My relationship is at a real low at the moment, but laughter works for us. Luckily DH has weird humour like me, so that's one thing that is still good between us. Everything else is really crap, so I am holding on to the one thing we can share.

Sorry to hear your child has been sick. Hope she is better now ? You are right about hospitals. Also they tend to actually get more sick afterwards in my experience as hospitals are full of germs and viruses !

Hope you can joke more often soon !

lol to ear plugs - I have been using them for months !

Thanks - AM - I'll try that. We are different from you in that we don't have the same sense of humour but have everything else in common. Mind you we went through a really rough time in our marriage last year and Relate were wonderful.

Do you have much time on your own? We found that we were trying to keep all our friends happy but that our relationship was suffering. There was a total break-down in communication and we were on the verge of splitting.

I can honestly say we are the happiest we have ever been now. It took a lot of hard work (on both sides) to understand the reasons for our disagreements but was so worth it.

DD1 is still not well - thanks for asking. DH is at home with her today and she's just asked for some food so hopefully she's on the road to recovery.

Hmmm, interesting thread! I can be very hot-headed too, again got that from my ever-loving mother!

I find it all too easy to explode and shout and scream, at dh, at the kids, etc. I think my triggers are when I am rushing to do something, like making the tea, and the children are fighting, or mithering, just one little incident will do it with me. Like someone else said, I don't think I would get to 1 either, I just see red and that's it.

Recently I have thought about pinching myself on the back of the hand when the red mist comes down. Don't like elastic bands. I think I just need a distraction to get the red mist to clear enough for me to think.

I too will be following this thread with interest!