Is sorry actually good enough?

[Stropzilla]

A few years ago, around the time DD1 was born, I found DH having an internet affair with a young girl. I read a lot of messages, him asking for pics etc and it was clear she was enjoying the attention but he was defiantely chasing her and she was just "playing". He was calling her his "red headded goddess" etc. I confronted him, he admitted to being an idiot and promised to stop. She lived in America, BTW. I forgave him, promised not to mention it again but if he did it again we'd have to have a serious think about where we were.

I am pregnant again, 39 weeks. For the last few weeks he's been drawing my attention to very attractive redheads on the internet, TV programmes etc and generally making me feel a little jealous and inadequate. Now, I like dying my hair red (for me, always have!) but now I really don't want to do that again incase it's not actually me he's thinking of. He's made a few crude comments, and last night I mentioned that it's a little disrespectful to be perving over pics of women he finds attractive in front of me. I couldn't care less about porn, have enjoyed it myself. It's when he's looking for something specific he finds attractive that I get worried, and now what happened 4 years ago is playing on my mind. He tells me I'm his best friend and soul mate but he's never referred to ME as his goddess! I'll forgive that first incident, but that doesn't mean I can forget it.

I bought it up in conversation, saying I don't want to go down that path again, it was hurtful and took a lot to get over. Part of me feels that actively looking for something you find attractive is one step away from another internet affair. He says he's sorry, and he won't do it again and he stressed he knew he was better than that. Well, so did I but he still did it! I told him I wouldn't be dying my hair again and all he said was that he loved me with red hair. Oh ok so not with my natural colour then. Nice to know the man I married turned out to be so shallow.

He argues that he's said sorry, there's no more he can do. I say sorry isn't actually good enough. He wants to know what else he can do but I don't know. I just feel like a wife, mother and incubator. He said he values me as a person and was just being a jerk, and won't go looking again. All I can think of is that now he will just be more careful.

Sorry for the essay, so what DO you want when sorry isn't good enough?

I think he is jealous of the new baby and acting up trying to get your attention by trying to make you jealous and insecure. He is being a cunt. The fact that he is reminding you of the fact taht he has looked elsewhere at redheaded women is passive aggressive at its worst!

Tell him to grow the fuck up, get over himself - and if you like your hair red, continue to dye it, there is nothing wrong with him liking redheads, you are one after all, well if you dye your hair red and it suits you - im jealous!

Yes there is a bit more he can do than just say sorry, he could stop the comments and leering when he knows it upsets you.

It's interesting that this has become an issue around the times you've been pregnant or just given birth - is he jealous of the baby or does he enjoy making you feel like rubbish at a very vulnerable time?

FWIW I don't think he's liking you with red hair is shallow, most people have a 'type' that attracts them - blonde hair/long hair/big boobs/curly hair whatever, and he was obviously attracted enough to you in the first place, for you to become a couple.

Agree with desperate

If your forgiveness and promise 'not to mention it again' meant that he didn't explore the reasons he was unfaithful the last time, then no - sorry won't cut it and it's extremely likely it (and more) will happen again. I wouldn't have thought it's got much to do with red hair and more to do with respect for you, himself and your relationship. I expect the internet affair was a progression of his porn habit too, so if I were you I'd review your attitudes to that.

for me sorry has three phases. First: guilt, a kind of sicky feeling of oh shit, I got caught, this is awkward and now I feel bad. Second: remorse, a realisation of what the hurt person must have felt, that they feel bad. And third, is the action phase. This is when the 'sorry' person actually does something to show they have gone through the second stage and really, truly, acknowledge your hurt and demonstrate they will not do anything to hurt you again (within their power to do so).

Sounds like your DH has basically got stuck at phase one so far :( maybe you need to ask him more explicitly what he thinks that internet affair meant to you? Ask him to describe exactly what he thinks the problems with it was. Don't be surprised if he has no clue though - you both may have done a little rug sweeping a bit too quickly. If he's willing to listen to what it actually meant to you, and take that on board, he might start to get into phases 2&3. Otherwise, I'm not sure you'll get very far with this one. Have you considered relationship counselling? I didn't go until it was much too late (after H's affair was in full swing). If you can sort out the reasons why he's undermining your relationship and your security before he actually has an affair it probably stands a better chance of working?

Can you say "sorry" for being a stupid fuckwit ?

I don't think you can

for the second time in 2 days I have to say if only I had a pound for every time a woman came on here to say "I don't have a problem with porn, but ...."

I expected to be flamed for being hypersensitive, so thanks for not doing that! He's come in with flowers, but all I'm getting is "I was a jerk, sorry". No actual thought going into anything. He doesn't like being forced to think about things he'd rather hide from. He'll listen to anything I have to say, but generally I can tell when he's switched off.