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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do? Dating Site

20 replies

cowboylover · 17/02/2012 23:58

I don't know where to go or what to do so I hope so MNers can help me think clearly.

We have been married nearly 2 year, been together 10 and have a wonderful 9 month old DD. Been lots of changes in the last few months of our relationship but I really just put it down to being new busy parents.

Tonight I went on our iPad and his emails where open and a dating website was open. I looked and he's got a full profile with details about himself and who he would like to meet ect with pictures. He mentions our DD and relationship status as 'prefers not to say'!!!

I hate to be a snoop but he left it open and I just can't believe what I saw. I don't think he's meet anyone but don't know why he's done it?

I want to discuss it with him and be rational but I'm rubbish at bringing things up and it always turns to be my fault.

What shall I do? Confront, give it time, look again?

OP posts:
Flanelle · 18/02/2012 00:00

Look again. Make sure you can see it has been updated recently etc and isn't ancient. Take screen shots. Print stuff out. Confront. Nothing here is your fault.

Queenofcake · 18/02/2012 00:06

Agree with Flanelle.

What email address is he using for this dating profile?

What makes you think he has not met anyone? Is this disbelief he would do this? Because if so, stop and think again. Before tonight would you have thought he would have a profile on a dating site.

What does he say he is looking for? No strings fun? A relationship?

At the end of the day I would be pissed off that he had actually set up a profile.

You could check his mobile phone - that may be have clues if any plans have been made to meet anyone or any pics or sexting has taken place.

You need to speak to him at some point soon but its upto you to decide if you want to look for more information to see whether this has gone further or not before you say anything to him.

Sorry you are going through this.

Charbon · 18/02/2012 00:18

The only reason married people join dating sites is to have sex with other people.

It really is that simple and that painful.

There are no other plausible reasons for doing this. He wasn't just being curious, doing it for a laugh, setting it up for his friend or any of the usual lies people tell when they've been busted in this situation.

Whether someone has taken the bait or not is immaterial. The intention was there.

cowboylover · 18/02/2012 00:19

It was set up on Monday and he has been on everyday since then.

He lists marriage as 'important' !!! Just says looking for a woman.

I am stunned as when the ad comes on TV we always say if we where single and in there would they personality match us?!

I don't think he has meet anyone yet as I do doubt that now. He has always had such strong views on infedelity.

Until 3 hours ago I was the happiest I have been in a long time.

OP posts:
KRITIQ · 18/02/2012 00:20

I'm sorry to hear this. It's awful. This has happened to a couple women I know. When confronted, the response always veers from denial to defensive, then to accusatory (e.g. why don't you trust me, it's wrong to snoop, - trying to make out that her finding the profile is worse than him having one,) then maybe trying to justify or at least putting hands up and admitting it.

In one case though, it transpires her boyfriend's teenage daughter put up a profile for him "as a laugh" (and because she wasn't keen on my friend at this stage.) Someone saw the profile and tipped off my friend who was livid. He seemed baffled when she told him but had an inkling his daughter was involved but a few hints she'd dropped. He rang her and she confessed.

I think the latter scenario is rare, very rare. His response to being confronted was also totally different. He did say he didn't know anything about it - which was true, but didn't get defensive and insisted understood that she must think he was an absolute shit. He didn't try to invalidate her anger, didn't make a song and dance about her snooping and didn't try to make her think it was her fault.

Okay, you're not going to have any peace of mind until you know what the score is and can make an informed decision what to do. As Flannelle says, collect the evidence. Keep it on a couple memory sticks or take photos of the screen or whatever. I wouldn't suggest investigating further as you could feel even more hurt if you see other things.

You will have to tell him what you've found. If he reacts defensively, accusing you of being in the wrong, etc., it's not a good sign. If he tries to justify it (e.g. it was just a lark, oh, it's an old profile I just checked in on, it was only chat, I wasn't planning to meet her or anything, whatever,) beware. If he tries to blame you of make you feel bad for snooping, that's not good either.

You may need to make some tricky decisions about your marriage fairly soon. Do you have RL folks you can call upon for support? Take care.

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 00:25

Oh dear.

If you do confront him, don't get diverted into it being about you invading his privacy and end up on the defensive - he left it all up.

cowboylover · 18/02/2012 00:29

This might sound insignificant as well but I know people who use that website to meet men for dates ect in work and we are not from a big town so I am dreading if someone I know sees it or they may have already? What will they think of me then?

I just feel so hurt. All my RL friends are his as well so don't know who I can talk to about this

OP posts:
Charbon · 18/02/2012 00:32

Why do you say that when ever you bring things up, it always gets turned round to being your fault?

What do you fear will happen here if you confront him?

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 00:39

It's not insignificant, it's potentially pretty humiliating. Sad

NatashaBee · 18/02/2012 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cowboylover · 18/02/2012 00:53

I just always end up saying sorry I suppose. I end up ultra passive and he is difficult to discuss things with sometimes.

I was considering it Natasha! Or I might just say a friend spotted it?

I wish I could just know but there is no way and I'm not sure what he could say to make me feel any better about this at the moment. I just can't sleep and don't even want to talk to him at all

OP posts:
Charbon · 18/02/2012 01:02

You end up saying sorry even when you're in the right? And you find discussions difficult with him?

That doesn't sound like a happy relationship. It sounds like you're dominated and always have to back down. A perfect breeding ground for the disrespect that is infidelity then.

You do know why he's on there. Really, there's just no other reason for this, is there? You know that logically, any excuse he comes up with will be a lie. Even if he's forced to admit he did it, I'm sure he will say that he either had no takers or he had, but had no intention of following through, which is always a lie.

Amychanger · 18/02/2012 04:03

Aaah he sounds just like my H then - i'm too suspicious, I don't trust him, I snoop so that's why he has to hide things from me.

He also presented an overly moralistic front, was always so outraged when he heard about people or friends who had affairs, was adamant he was never that sort of guy ... until I caught him out.

cowboylover · 18/02/2012 09:36

Thanks for the support everyone.

I did a screen shot just asked him directly why have you got a profile. He looked a little stunned but didn't ask how I know why. He apologised and said it started out of wondering who's on there ect and then continued with boredom.

He told me about who he had messaged but didn't stop to think it would upset me. I said he was insencitive and I was humiliated and worried that someone I know may have seen it.

He's deleted it and promised to not go on any others again and I have full access to all his gadgets ect so can easily check.

OP posts:
21YrOldMan · 18/02/2012 09:39

well done for questioning him :)

Not 100% sure I'd believe the "bored" thing- does he have time to be bored?

TooEasilyTempted · 18/02/2012 09:53

He's deleted it and promised to not go on any others again and I have full access to all his gadgets ect so can easily check.

Of course he has, and of course you can. Did he let you have a good look at this profile and all the messages before he deleted the evidence it?

Do you believe the boredom excuse? I have to be honest, if it was a chat site or a porn site maybe I would, but people only join a dating site for one thing don't they... to actively look to meet people?

It's great that you now have access to all of his gadgets so you can check up on him. But I'm sorry to say that I think all you've done is warned him, so that he can be much more careful in future.

Malificence · 18/02/2012 09:54

When my DH is bored, he goes on Rightmove looking at million pound houses or baking websites looking for recipes, or Youtube, he doesn't start looking at daing sites, going so far as to set up a profile.

He's telling you who he is by his actions.

KRITIQ · 18/02/2012 12:17

The proof in this pudding will be in the eating. He has breached your trust and absolutely must acknowledge this. Boredom and curiosity are not valid excuses. There are plenty of other things one can do if bored and the curiosity one doesn't wash.

I was once curious about a dating site I'd heard of (and I was single.) I did create a profile because I was curious to see if the people were as strange as I'd heard, so I did. Once I started getting ghastly messages and had seen half a dozen awful profiles of folks, I deleted the account pronto. I certainly didn't stay long enough to engage with any members. If he was curious, why not see if you were also curious and log on together for a laugh (which is what I actually did with a female friend, but we were both stunned by what we saw!)

He's got alot of trust ground to make up and you absolutely must not believe that anything you have done has led to this. Everything was his choice and it has to be his actions that make up for it.

Charbon · 18/02/2012 12:43

I think he's lying and I'd be surprised if you didn't too.

This wasn't curiosity, but we did warn you that this was something he'd lie about.

I understand your concern about who else saw it, but IMO there are bigger concerns than this. You're partnered with a man who is already/ trying to be - unfaithful and who lies to you. Policing his behaviour isn't going to resolve those problems and he'll just find other ways of finding new partners. Only he can resolve why he does this, but he won't do that because he thinks he's managed to hoodwink you with his lies and so he doesn't think it's necessary.

As far as he's concerned, the only problem is that he didn't cover his tracks well enough this time and got partially found out.

Put all that together with the other behaviour you mentioned and it's a recipe for disaster.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2012 12:58

His only problem is he get caught

You sound frighteningly passive and suggestible to him behaving badly and making it your fault

the biggest problem you seemed to say to him was "what if other people found out ?"

what about you finding out your husband is a cheating prick ?

does that not matter at all ?

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