How did you cope?

[barmybird]

I left my husband in Nov last year after he had an affair. He now tells me that his original mistress is very much still around and that it is inevitable that I am going to bump into her in the near future as I pick up or drop off my dd. To be honest the idea horrified me but now I've calmed down I just feel sorry for her. That probably sounds bizzare but she is still at the stage were she believes all he tells her. I on the other hand know what an arse my x is and that only 2 weeks ago he was trying to get me into bed and persuade me to try again. I wouldn't want to be about to embark on a relationship in that situation.

So my question is how do I deal with this? I have asked him to pre-warn me if she is going to be at his house or business before I get there so I can at least be prepared to come face to face with her. But how do I handle this?

Coldly civil, I suppose.
My dh has to cope with the bloke his ex left him for spending many times over more time with his beloved dd than he can nowadays. If dh can be civil (and he is) then anyone can I suppose. Mind you, in your position I'd want to beat her over the head with a meat cleaver, so I'm a fine one to talk!

With as much dignity as possible (with maybe a bit of smugness mixed in ).

The calmer and level headed you can be about it the better. I dont really know what else to say - i dont know how where you are at with the whole issue IYKWIM.

I feel like I've closed the door on the whole sorry episode to be honest. I obviously miss having a partner around but in reality I don't think I actually miss him. To be honest I think this discussion has been prompted by my x trying to get a reaction out of me. I'm afraid he suceeded initially but I then made it clear that I she had nothing I wanted (sweet revenge!)

I just want to be as dignified as possible and if she is going to be around she is going to spend time with my dd (which is the only reasone I want to smack her with a meat cleaver!) I want things to be as calm as possible so that my gorgeous little girl doesn't get unneccessarily upset.

I just don't know how to deal with it practically, do I acknowledge her for example? I would like to make her feel awkward if I'm honest.

I think she would probably feel more awkward if you are cold but polite to her, but probably the only thing you should really be thinking is how your dd is going to feel if she has to spend time with this woman. If she picks up that you are angry with either your ex or his mistress, she may feel uncomfortable about being there IYSWIM? On the other hand you may feel that you don't want to be too nice, because it will hurt you if you hear your dd saying anything nice about them. Finally you have to behave in a way that you are OK with, otherwise you might supress your feelings too much and get angry or depressed. I think it is a really difficult call. I am very glad that dh's es-mistress doesn't live in the country, but still find it upsetting if the kids mention her name.

The more lovely, charming, warm and friendly you are, the more uncomfortable she will feel.

Ultimately, if you've got real issues with the break up itself, and your x is looking to be with this woman long term, then its a very good example to set your DD, and the amicability (is that a word?) of all three of you can only be good for her.

My dd has met this woman several times previously (thats how I originally found out about the affair). When dd talks about her I tend to just say that she is daddies new friend as pleasantly as I can manage. I do work very hard at trying to make the whole situation as calm as possible for my dd. I don't want her to know that inside it kills me to hear her talk about this woman. Which is why I don't know quite how to handle this. My feeling is to be polite and to carry on handing my dd over as I always do i.e. with lots of hugs, kisses and love you's.

Hi BB
sorry I havent rung you - have been dosed up on painkillers (thats another story)
if you're in tomorrow night, I will ring for a chat

regarding this situation, I would certainly carry on making a fuss of DD (who is gorgeous) in front of them as you normally do, then say to the "adults"..."have a lovely time; you have my mobile if you need me as I will be in & out today/this weekend"... then turn to DD give her another kiss & turn & walk away....then go home & cry

remember that you have behaved honourably and with dignity throughout and your H has not.
VVVQV is right about trying to show your DD the correct way to behave even if you dont feel like it

and remember that H DID ask you to try again / go to bed so hes not exactly starting his relationship with HER being honest is he?

I try now to be really nice to my H so that he has no reason to shout or bully me - think it is confusing

take care
xx

Hi MM, love the new name, it suits you! Ta for the sensible advice.

I think you are all right. Polite and dignified to the trollop and my soon to be x husband. (Although it will stick in my throat!) Loving and caring as ever to my dd, who is at the end of the day my main concern.

I have this with my ex-H's mistress now his girlfriend who pitches up on my doorstep when he picks the children up every second weekend.
I am not rude but I make no effort to be nice to her & I only discuss child related matters with ex-H - never her. In fact I simply don't engage with her at all.
Never say anything negative about her in front of the children, as it is not fair to burden them with my viscious, mean, spiteful side!!! Well, not yet anyway.
So, barmybird, forwarning from your ex would be helpful so that you can go mentally prepared. I'd go for very cool but polite if you can do it.

Forgot to say MM, I am around tomorrow and it would be good to catch up. Hope you are ok?

I have a friend who insists that her exH new partner is not allowed on her land

so when he picks the kids up, she has to wait in the pub down the road

used to think it a bit silly but am beginning to see why she does it

will ring you tom BB