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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell her mother ?

29 replies

Heswall · 17/02/2012 19:47

Very briefly, my brother has threatened, brushed past, roughed up what ever you want to call it his girlfriend.
This is the second girlfriend this has happened with, giving him the benefit of the doubt the last girl would get physical and he would respond holding her wrists whatever according to him. He has two children with the first girl.
So here we go again, she is 18 years old, had a baby first week in January, he's admitted to cheating on her too.

I am so ashamed of him, he did witness domestic violence as a child and his dad was a bloody bully but there's no excuse.

Back to this young girl, this is her second violent relatioship, her last boyfriend hospitalised her and her mother was not happy as you can imagine.
The mother apparently knows something is not right and gave the girl an ultimatuim my brother or her, she chose my brother, realises this was a mistake now. She has now convinced herself she cannot go back to her mums and is going to stay with friends, but I do not believe this for one moment. Keeps saying she loves my brother - I don't right now - what would you do for the best.
If she was my daughter I would want to know.
I'm worried about loosing her trust though.

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 17/02/2012 19:53

She sounds very vulnerable right now and needs some support from somewhere. Do you know if any of the violence is taking place around the young baby? If so I think you should consider contacting social services.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 19:55

Apparently he has brushed past her whilst carrying a jug of boiling water to heat the bottle which nearly went over the baby.
I'd like to give her mother the opportunity to deal with this before contact any of the authorities.

OP posts:
ColourMePurple · 17/02/2012 19:59

Agree with the above post.

Also, have you talked to your brother, maybe you could inform him that you are concerned about his behaviour and that if it continues - it will warrant you to contact the police for the welfare of the baby and the girl (who is still a child herself).

ColourMePurple · 17/02/2012 20:00

I think more than anything you should be talking to your own mother about her sons behaviour towards women.

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2012 20:00

God, yes, tell her mum and help her get away from your brother. What a nightmare situation.

izzyizin · 17/02/2012 20:04

As you've said, there is absolutely no excuse for your brother's appalling behaviour and I trust that you've read him the riot act for all the good it will do.

Encourage her to make contact with Women's Aid.

Encourage him to make contact with Respect.

If you have the girl's mother's number or address, I personally wouldn't hesitate to get in touch as I'm sure she'd want to know if her dd and dgc were in need .

Can you offer the girl and her baby a couple of nights stay in your home so that you can genty point her in the right direction and perhaps have her mother visit?

newbiedoobiedoo · 17/02/2012 20:05

Have you told your mum? What does she think? Does your brother know you know? What a horrible situation for you to be in :(

I wonder would she be upset that you told and broke her trust, or relieved to have her mum's support? Do you know her mum? How do you think she would react? ie would she demand that she leave him etc?

If it were me, I would be doing anything I could to get her away from him!

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:07

I am not on speaking terms really with my mother, she washed her hands of him at 17.

I do not know what to say to my brother, I went to court with him when he grabbed something belonging to him from the last girlfriend in the street and the police tried to pin "street robbery" on him, it ended with him admiting to assault. I felt sorry for him because it did seem like a complete over reaction, they even read out in court a statement from the girlfriend, mother of his children admitting that she had hit him first to wind him up, but there's nothing been learnt from the situation. Those tow fought in front of the children, still do.
This girl is nothing like the last though, she seems much calmer and mature despite her age, but she must not stay with my brother I know that much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:09

My mum knows about the cheating, I've sent a text about the violence, no reply.
I've never met her mum but my inistinct tells me that if you've picked your daughter up from hospital once to escape a violent boyfriend you would do it again.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/02/2012 20:12

Given that the welfare of the infant is of paramount importance, calls to the police and to social services would seem to be warranted.

You may find that you struggle to make these calls but rest assured that you will be taking absolutely the right action - in fact, the only action - to allow your conscience to rest easy.

For the benefit of all concerned, I hope you'll make these calls sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:16

The infant is with her mum, the grandmother at the moment, having been through this before with the first girlfriend I will not be contacting anyone because unless she makes the call nobody has any interest believe me and it will destroy any trust that might be possible to keep in tact by just calling her mum, so I think that's the right thing to do.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 17/02/2012 20:21

agree with izzy the infant must be the absolute #1 priority in this situation. move heaven and earth if you need to, that child must be kept safe.

if that means your DB is arrested or the mother has the baby taken off her, so be it, that's what happens when a baby is put in danger.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:22

The baby is safe tonight

OP posts:
ledkr · 17/02/2012 20:28

Be carefull though cos years ago my ex's brother tried to talk to him about his violence towards me. He nearly killed me that night (i think it rocked him his family knowing) The best thing anyone did for me was to offer me refuge when ever i wanted/needed and to be there for me even when i had gone back to him,no judging or lectures just an open door.

newbiedoobiedoo · 17/02/2012 20:30

I wouldn't actually call SS or the police. It's far too messy and if the baby is safe then I would tell her mum. Unfortunately, there's not much else you can do I don't think.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:31

That's another concern as well ledkr, I have seen what my brothers father has been capable of. The whole family is a fucking mess I want nothing to do with if I'm honest.
I live 200 miles away so practically there's nothing I can do, i've sent her my number if she needs me but she has closer friends for support IRL, I just feel her mum ought to know, but then if she feels her mum will go mad then how do I know her mum won't and then she'll never tell anything again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:33

The police and SS will not act on me calling, not knowing any details and a facebook conversation.
I tried to get SS to investigate when the mother of the other two children kicked the shit out of my brother in front of the children, a taxi driver and the police attended. They didn't.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/02/2012 20:40

It seems that you've already resolved to do nothing which begs the question of why you've posted?

ledkr · 17/02/2012 20:41

Oh it does all sound like a mess,how awfull for you to have to deal with.Maybe you should speak to her Mum given how far away you are but warn her to tread carefully.

ledkr · 17/02/2012 20:43

izzy In these cases it is not always wise to go stomping in there,the op is right to consider her best course of action.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:44

I don't know what to say to the mother, how to phrase your daughter is hiding from you because she doesn't believe you'll forgive her for returning to a bad relationship again, but could you sort it out from your end without menbtioning me so I can continue to maintain the trust I current have of your child ?

Izzy, thank you for your input but I do not believe your advice is the right path to go down right now.

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 17/02/2012 20:48

So he was arsing about with boiling water by the baby? Shock

Yes I would tell SS and I would tell them he is violent and has been violent on previous occasions.

Original poster
Heswall · 17/02/2012 20:50

You see I don't know if she was carrying the boiling water and he had the baby or if she had the baby and he had the water, they could both be as bad as each other. I wasn't there I don't know.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 20:51

Just tell the mother you are worried about her daughter.
Tell her what has happened and that you thought she might like to know as her DD now needs help.

The mother will want to know. Just keep it simple but do tell her.

izzyizin · 17/02/2012 20:53

It isn't a question of 'stomping in there' ledkr. These matters can be handled with considerable tact and diplomacy but, that said, when it comes to the protection and welfare of children, I'm more than happy to get my soapbox out and stomp all over child abusers with the best of them.

If the OP doesn't speak up, who else is going to put the welfare of this weeks' old infant before their own concerns?

Her brother may not be a child abuser per se but, nevertheless, his violent behaviour poses a significant risk to any child who is in his care or in his vicinity whenever he chooses to kick off.

In these circumstances, my conscience wouldn't let me rest until I'd done everything in my power to prevent the accident that's waiting to happen.