Anyone else's mother making everything about them

[MamaMaiasaura]

I feel like a shit but I've had enough. Since we were little my mum always made sure she came first and still does. I love her dearly but I really had enough of it. For example today I was feeding dd in my room quietly. She'd visited and decided she was leaving. Rather than waiting for dd to finish she came upstairs but wasn't quiet but at top of voice "ok daaaarrrliing, we must dash", to whichever content baby pulls off and feed disrupted. I bluntly said "thanks mum, she was indifferent of feed". She left almost in tears! Wtf? :( and it's always like this. It's getting worse again and I'm treading on egg shells. Them its turned around to be that I'm unreasonable. I need to post a lot more and sorry If I drip feed. I'm on my phone and hard to type and edit.

Um...it sounds like you were being a little bit unnecessarily tetchy to be honest. I don't think it would occur to most people that they might need to whisper around a BFing baby.....

Noone should shout around a baby full-stop so I don't blame you for being annoyed. I have a complex relationship with my Mum but I definitely find that just being blunt and straightforward and dropping the sarcasm or 'funny' comments helps a lot. So in your case I wouldn't have thanked her sarcastically, I would have just asked her not to do it again firmly. If she's a drama queen don't give her any amunition!

I was in my bed in my room feeding dd to sleep so didn't welcome shouting. I could have dropped sarcasm and it probably did fuel her dramatics I just get so irritated by her self absorbedness. It's always the same but I am too tired and busy to pussy foot around her.

Was it really that dreadful a thing to do?

Nanny - no it wasn't it's just on top of e wry thing and everytime I see her. I called to apologise for snapping and yet again it was dramatised . This is thR wan who old us that if we died it was ok because we were replaceable but my biological dad wasnt. That we weren't essential to their marriage. The mother who I don't have a clue what her husband was doing to her daughters. Who left him to literally belts sister thinking they were empty threats but still stayed with him. Who left is home alone all the time. When I was christened (aged 2) my sisters aged 10, 8 and 6 weren't allowed any party food as it was for the guests. Who would leave us sitting in hot car literally hours while she had coffee with friends. but that is past andy dad died, disclosure happened and moved forwards. However with my last pregnancy and newborn and again this time around she regresses and becomes ultra sensitive and tearful over everything I just can't cope with her like that. I had literally a houseful (13) and needed to settle dd (she's only 16 weeks and was beyond tired). I had literally gone up less than 10 minutes andy mum decided she had to leave them and there and couldn't wait 5 minutes. I know I sound petty bit I'm just tired of how everytime it's hard work and of I don't tread on eggshells, I upset her

You dont have to explain anymore. Clearly your mum is toxic. You need to keep distance for now. Hugs x

I wouldn't say she was toxic. Just needy and self absorbed, she loves her grandchildren and her children too. It's just they aren't her priority and never really have been. I just need to accept that I guess and love her for who she is "warts and all".

Well, with that futher info, I think you should start to distance yourself. And I don't think you'd have any need to feel guilty about it either.
What does your husband think?

Dh said "you care too much about your mothers feelings". He also thinks she puts herself and everyone else before her kids. I shall try and grow a thicker skin

ArtV the OP did not say she was 'shouting' I just think she was annoyed that her mother made no effort to quieten her tone in case babay was falling asleep - which is quite different.

However, with the new info, I can see OP's point better now. OP I had less than perfect parents. Dad was a selfish self-absorbed twat who was pretty much absent for a year or more at a time, from when I was 5 onwards, and DM was very loving, but young, and well....flawed. She was an excellent mother in many ways, but she definitely had lapses of judgement. Growing up I sometimes felt like I was the mother and she was the child, and it has shaped who I am today.

I think when you have just had a baby of your own all your maternal and protective instincts are heightened, and you start to remember things that were less than perfect in your own upbringing and think 'WTF did they do that? How could they? I would never do that to my child.'

When you are a child you just accept what you are handed on a plate from your parents as normal, because you have no other frame of reference, and you want to assume your parents are perfect, lovely people, always getting everything right. It's not until you become an adult, and a parent yourself that you can see that they sometimes have massive personality flaws, and made huge mistakes, and you do through a period of realisation and resentment.

go though, not 'do through'!

Actually hilly I think you are spot on. This is 3rd dc for me and first dd. with ds1 I had severe PND and alot was focused on my childhood. I think that I am more protective and very reflective too (and sleep deprived)) sorry for drip feeding. I am utterly rubbish at typing on my phone.

She sounds like a PITA. If you still want a relationship with her then just strengthen/defend your own boundaries - she isn't going to change.

WRT to shit things she did to you in childhood, were you raised in the 70's? I was, and I remember many parents seemed to pull the same kind of inconsiderate/borderline abusive crap, locking children in hot cars, saving good food for adults, sadistic punishments. So while she chose to be lazy and awful to you, its likely that some other parents around her will have been just as shoddy so reinforcing her sense that its okay to do that. There were still nice parents in the 70's, before anyone jumps on me.

I think you're being far too nice and protective of your mum. The sooner you realise that you have every right to be firm to her (and then NOT apologise) the better. What I would have done:

"Mum, I was settling the baby, who you have just woken up. It was totally unnecessary for you to raise your voice like that- please don't do it again"

You don't need to tread on eggshells. Call her on her bad behaviour, and if she becomes manipulative when you stand up for yourself then consider her a toxic parent (because from what you've described, she is) and distance yourself from her.

HillyWallaby I think that was a very wise post you made, thank you. It has helped me understand why I feel what I feel about my parents.

Mama - dont be surprised if as you go through the different stages with your own DC that this realisation repeats itself. Fore-warned is fore-armed!

gmome it's when I see myself repeating some of the behaviours that I really struggle as I want to get it right and I don't always.

I do think me being tired doesn't help. I can't change the past and neither can my mum. She's in her 60s (yup I was 70s baby) and she won't change.i love her, despite her downfalls. But I feel so utterly awful when I am annoyed with her and when dh agrees with me I want to Ross to her defence. I am not sure that will change, ever. We only have one mum and she does love us, and we love her. Shame she's such a pain in the ass at times and then dismissive of us when she's got better more pressing things to do.

i feel for you. my mum makes everything about her, me miscarriages, my first husband dying, my labor's were supposed to fit her timetable, i could go on and on. I try to think she just doesn't realise but my brother thinks it is deliberate. she just makes me want to scream!

You were raised to put her and her feelings first, and I think you still are. Don't rise to her defence when your DH criticises her - if he's around her, she probably drives him mad, and he needs to vent too!

My gran was a bit like this - the irony is they often raise lovely, thoughtful children. Trouble is they end up too thoughtful, too self-effacing! It is very hard to break long habits - as long as you make sure you never put her need to be right/most important/most loved, in front of your kids' needs, you'll be doing ok!

Mama,

She trained you well didn't she; its all about her and always has been. You are but an object to this person. Simply growing a thicker skin is not enough; if she is a narcissist (and its always all about them and their dramas) then you need to realise it is simply not possible to have any sort of relationship with such a person. Grandchildren and siblings are used as narc supply by such people.

Your mother is a toxic parent no doubt about that as well as self absorbed.

I would read up on Narcissistic Personality disorder and see if that rings any bells with regards to your mother. I would also suggest you read Children of the Self Absorbed and ther website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.