Relationship with my mum - please help

[Broodymomma]

I have nobody in real life I would want to admit these feelings to but I so need some advice so forgive me if this is long.

Simply I love my mum but I do not like her. For years I lived in fear of her but since having ds our relationship has turned very bad in my eyes as it has made me realise just what a horrible childhood I had and some things she done I just cant forgive.

I will try keep it brief but need to paint the picture of how I was raised. She split with my father when I was 4, memories of my childhood are of them fighting and him being very violent. Happily she met my now dad who was much older than her but he had a ex wife and 2 kids. My whole life I had to lie to people as she would never admit he had been married before and I grew up amongst a web of lies forever getting in trouble if I got it wrong if one person thought his kids were my cousins someone else would be told they were friends and as a child it was very confusing. I was just told it was nobodys business. My real father was by this point out of my life I had to pretend that her new partner was my real dad.

I was sexually abused as a 8 year old by my babysitter and her boyfriend. My friend went through similar with her grandfather and told my mum - my mum was amazing with her so I told her what was happening to me. She refused to believe me and screamed at me "do you want social workers poking their nose in do you" and I was told to shut up about it - they were even allowed to babysit me again weekly and it went on and on. As a adult I broke down and asked her why she never believed me and why they let it happen - she said we did believe you but what could we do their parents were friends of ours. To this day I cant fathom how they could live with themselves. I was a child. To make it worse I watched her go on to support my friend through her ordeal but was never allowed to discuss mine.

The years went on and I was always desperate for approval, I was very much a loner and found it hard to make close friendships. I had no confidence something that haunts me to this day. I went through my mum being addicted to booze - not that she would admit and then one day age 17 I came home to find her in bed with some bloke - I was stunned and just ran out, I came back a few hours later and she slapped my face and told me it was my fault if I told my dad - I walked out and never went back. We did not speak for 8 months and I got myself sorted with a room in a flat and a job. Over time we started speaking again but I never did move back.

I was controlled my whole childhood and tried to be kept a child who could be manipulated. As a adult I started to see her for what she was. She did not speak to any her family and those friends she had only knew a made up version of the real her.

My wedding day was a massive eye opener for me. My dad done is speach and there was barely a nice word about me in it. The things that were said was so random I just realised they did not even know me. It was hurtful and embarrasing. I was so happy to get a new name and a wonderful husband who god knows why but had put up with me constantly pushing him away not believing he would really love me.

So - present day. My ds is 4 years old. Since the day he was born he has been the only thing in her life that matters. She lives for him. I cant bare it. I hate her being around him but I force myself weekly to go there and sit whilst I am totally ignored. I get daily emailes from her and texts that are full of nothing - she wont waster her precious time in my sons company talking to me so its done by email. The hard thing is she is very ill - has been now for 6 years. My dad is 20 years older than her and is also very ill. I am constantly stressed out and always there for them no matter what they need but I just cant cope anymore. There is something raging inside of me that I just cant get out. She is honestly a hypocrite and nasty about almost everyone she knows but lovely to their face. I could write a book.

Her house she has done a nursery and keeps a pooty in the bathroom and tells my ds its because she has other children come when he is not there. Right away i rexcognised this was to make him jealous but she said "dont worry thought you are my faveourite" - it made me sick and just took me back to my childhood where I was constantly trying to keep her happy or face days of being ignored and thrown looks.

Nobody in this world knows the real her except me and my dad but he gave up years ago and I watch her now the way she treats him makes me sick.

I just cant face the future of this, she keeps asking to have my ds over night and saying I am cruel not to let her. He has stayed there twice and i could not relax knowing he was with her. I have tried hard to keep my feelings out of their relationship and ensure they nurtured a bond but at what expense. I live an hour away from them so always go and then sometimes sit out in the car whilst he is there. Its more than obvious I am not wanted there and there is not a week I leave her home that I am not in tears the whole way home.

So sorry this has turned out so long - there is a million other things I could go into - she has re-written history in her mind but i cant.

I look to the future and know my dad does not have long left and I dont know how I will cope when I am literally all she has - but I cant bare to be in her company or have her around my ds. With her health she could become dependant on me and I see my life ahead and a bleak struggle. For anyone still reading this thank you. I would appreciate any advise on how I cope as I dont think I can much longer.

she sounds awful and you sound very upset and confused. have you considered getting some counselling for yourself to talk all this through with someone (ask your GP). you dont have to see her you know, dont have to let your ds stay there etc. you have choices...

I'd cut her off.
The idea she allowed you to be abused would mean she'd never see my ds again, as you can't guarantee she would keep him safe.

Stay strong, you can cope.

The way your mother treated you is absolutely awful, totally unacceptable. She was basically abusive and neglectful in the worst way possible. You need to cut her out of your life, as soon as possible. Do not leave your DS with her. She has proven that she can't be trusted with small children, don't put your DS in danger any longer. It's clear she has started playing mind games with him already - put a stop to this, for your DS's sake.

Your parents had a duty of care towards you. They did not fulfil it, not even close. You have no duty towards them, none whatsoever. Their abuse of you continues to this day - that is clear from how upset your mother makes you. Do yourself a huge favour and finally break away once and for all. Just stop contact. You don't need to explain but you can if you think it will help.

I agree with queenie that counselling might help you a lot.

As queenie has said, you do have choices - and when it comes to your mother, you have the absolute god-given right to make whatever choices you believe are in the best interests of both yourself and your ds.

No matter what relation they were to me I personally would not allow a child of mine to be in the company of a toxic individual unless I was present at all times, and I would go to great lengths to ensure that any such contact was either non-existent or minimal.

You are not obliged, nor should you feel obliged, to let your ds stay overnight with your mother. You are not obliged, nor should you feel obliged, to visit her home once a week - nor are you obliged to take your ds with you on those occasions that you choose to visit her.

Similarly, you are not obliged to open or read any emails from your mother and you can use the facility in your inbox to automatically redirect any communication from her to 'junk mail'.

In the event of your stepfather's demise, there is no reason why you should feel obliged to assume any responsibility for your mother's care or welfare and, if he predeceases her, you are best advised to liaise with Social Services, heath authorities and any other other agencies, that can provide any care required.

If I were a priest, I would absolve you from any misplaced sense of responsibility you feel towards your mother and from any equally misplaced guilt you may feel at failing to discharge what you may erroneously believe is your duty of care towards her, and exhort you to henceforth concentrate your energies on the family unit you have created with your dh.

As I'm not one of god's annointed all I can do is assure you that there is no written or unwritten law that states that you are required to suffer another minute in the company of your mother ever again.

If you are not convinced that, as a fully fledged adult and parent yourself, you are free to choose the company you keep and free to determine the company your 4yr old ds keeps, I would suggest that you seek counselling to help you come to terms with the abuse you suffered in your childhood with a view to putting it to rest firmly in the past so that you can face the future with confidence.

Self-determination is the name of the game, honey. Your mother chose her path long ago and cannot now reasonably expect you to continue to walk it with her or indulge her in any way, shape, or form.