Haven't spoken to my mum for almost 6 months...

[RowenaRavenclaw]

My mum is a Narc and all my siblings have episodes of cutting her off. At the moment it's me who's not speaking to her. I got caught up in her argument with my sister where she had told my sister to never call her again. In the process of trying to get her to see some sense and stand up for my sister, my mum said awful things to me too. My sister however is the type that immediately starts speaking to her again, it only lasted about 2 weeks.

I was waiting for my sister to get her to start speaking to me again too and maybe apologise to me, but they all seem to have become a happy family and I am left hearing about how mum sent [....] a present in the post for her birthday, how lovely! mum called to ask if [....] etc. I'm slowly starting to get very annoyed at siblings as well as my mum and feel like they like to leave me out whenever possible, yet expect me to fiercly take their sides whenever my mum has any issues with them.

Am I supposed to just start getting on with my mum again? It wasn't even my fight?

I don't understand why you get involved???? If your sisters vent about your mum you can nod your head and listen without takings sides and getting involved?

I never intentionally get involved. But with my mum you get dragged in. My mum called and wanted to tell me her side of the story. That's how it always goes. I was calm, didn't have a go, just tried to explain it from my sister's point of view. She always gets upset if you don't take her side totally and hung up on me saying we are all the same and we can all stop calling her. So I did.

But what shall I do now? I feel angry but also really sad.

Why do you care?

I'm not being flippant. Ask yourself: why does it matter that your siblings report tales of you Mum being lovely on the surface? What does it have to do with you?

Decide what you are willing to accept in terms of:

• contact with your mother
• taking sides (or not) in your siblings' fights with her
• hearing about your Mum second-hand

And then stick to those guidelines. Yes, it might involve you saying things to people that make you squirm when you think about doing it: "Sis, I am angry that you asked me to side with you in your fight with Mum, and that now you are acting like it's all hunky-dory. I won't be taking sides again: your issues with Mum are your own to handle" -- for example. Or "I don't want to hear about Mum. It makes me uncomfortable."

And then back it up: walk away from conversations if you have to, if your siblings don't respect the red lines you've laid out (as, indeed, is their prerogative).

Good luck.

When your Mum called you could have just listened to here and not given your sis side of the story that's what I mean by being drawn in.

I also can't understand why you would rise to your mum's bait. If she rings, you can either listen in silence/while making noncommittal noises, or put the phone down on her. There's no need at all to get involved.

You're only getting involved because you want to -- and you need to ask yourself WHY you want to remain part of this sick situation.

OP - I have this very same problem, my mum is a nightmare and it always revolves around drink. I am currently not speaking with my mum due to her latest episode.

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your role in the family. Are you the one who seems to fix everything, do they come to you for help so in some way you feel responsible for everyone? Do you try to bring reason and logic to any arguments? And then always get caught in the middle.

If the above is true then you are just like me and I am trying to follow this advice given to me by DH.

Don't indulge the latest 'have you heard the latest about XYZ' conversations
Don't offer her any opinions on situations that do not directly concern you.
Whenever you are present in an argument, just leave - no one will thank you for getting in the way
Don't expect an apology from your mum, she probably thinks she's still right and that she deserves respect regardless of her behaviour - what you need to do is just accept her behaviour, be the daughter you are and nothing more.
Let her play her games with everyone else, and you carry on with your life.

If your mum is anything like mine then she'll be like a steam train with no turning back - turning back means defeat. So when she said not to call her, she wouldn't have meant it but was saying it to be hurtful, because you hurt her by not taking her side, then now that you haven't called she'd gone all defiant and is sticking by her guns because she does not believe she's done anything wrong. I suspect she's probably brushed it all under the carpet because to confront it will be embarrassing.

Am I making any sense, I suppose because my thing with my mum is still very raw I might not be seeing things clearly enough...

You've made perfect sense fly, and it seems to me that you have a very clear view of your mum's unreasonable behaviour... give your DH a pat on the back for his perspicacity and keep up the good work!