Difficult relationship with mother

[Lisa23081]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post & I'm not sure if I need advice or just want to vent...lol. I found the site after googling "difficult relationship with mother" as I dont know what to do for the best.

I love my mum, but whenever we meet up, wherever it is, we end up arguing & then she normally says something really nasty which finishes the argument, but leaves me feeling awful. I do feel sorry for her; my parents are suffering financial hardship & we have tried to help them out before but this also seems to be a source of contention. She also has health problems, but absolutely refuses to acknowledge them. My nan died of heart failure at 66 (mum is 61) and had bad asthma - my mum wheezes, but when both me & my sister point this out, she says it is the pain in her back that makes her breathless - but hasnt gone to see the doctor about her back?!?

She constantly moans about my dad & brother (39 & moves back to their house everytime he splits with his gf.....he also has 5 kids with 3 different women) but if I says anything derrogatory about my brother, she defends him.

Anyway, sorry to go on, but I dont think I cant take the bitchiness any more - last night she said that my sister is always nice to her, except when they both come to my house, and that my sister's attitude changes towards her when she is with me......."we were having a really good laugh in the car on the way here and it all changed when we arrived at your house". I had to leave the room and stood at my kitchen sink almost in tears telling myself I am 42, not 12!

Luckily she is going home today, but the atmosphere at the moment is awful :(

Thanks for listening! xx

Just because she's your mum doesn't mean you should be allowing her to make you feel that way. Attempt to have an honest conversation with her about how her behaviour makes you feel, and if she twists what you say etc then you know that you'll want to start distancing yourself from her.

Hi Lisa,

Its not you, its them and you did not make them this way. You appear to be the scapegoat for their inherent ills; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Speaking to these people about how you feel may get twisted to make them appear the victims again. Also such dysfunctional people do not and will never play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations and reasoned argument is not tolerated nor listened to. They also do not take any responsibility for their actions (your mothers poor health being a case in point) but are more than happy to blame others i.e you for their ills.

I was also wondering about your Dad's role in all this as you do not mention him much. He is also playing a part here. I do not let him off the hook because many men in these dysfunctional situations act as a bystander also out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Limit all contact with these people; you would not tolerate this from a friend and family are truly no different. Don;t have either your mum or sister in your house again; if they cannot and will not behave then you need to reset your own boundaries with regards to all of them.

It is not your fault they are like this, I repeat you did not make them this way.

Would suggest you also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward.

Thank you both - Attila, you are EXACTLY right, my dad doesnt say anything for a quiet life!

I dont mind having my sister at my house - she is like my dad and will just let anything my mum says go over her head so it doesnt end in an argument. She will probably be mortified at what my mum said about her (she stayed here for one night, has gone to see another friend locally and will be picking my mum up later today - my mum said all this while she wasnt here).

I will definitely get Toxic Parents and have a good read - thanks again xx