Growing up with alcholism and dv

[ThisReallyUpsetsMe]

I am a ncer for obvious reasons.

For most of my life my parents were alcoholics, they are now both recovering, not drunk for years.

Through my early teens until I left my parents used to have horrendous rows. And they became violent. I saw awful things, it was terrifying being sent to my room and hearing it.

Here's the part thatreally upsets me, on one occasion my mum told me to call the police. I did and my dad was arrested. He still now refers to when I got him arrested often in a joky way and I hate it. I think he was so drunk he does t remember the extent of it all. It was horrid. These rows went on for weeks not days.

I don't want you all to lay into my parents, they were ill and I'm glad they have sorted themselves out now. I wish they'd done it sooner but I do love them very much. Much of my childhood was also wonderful. I just want a way to sensitively say that really upsets me please don't say that.

Try:

"Dad, that really upsets me- please don't say that."

And if he pushes you

"I remember a different sequence of events to you, and what I remember wasn't funny and shouldn't be joked about, so please stop"

He is being massively insensitive in joking about this. He may be (rightly) ashamed and this is the only way he can broach the subject, but it isn't fair to you. Have they ever acknowledged that the fact of their alcoholism/his DV made your childhood a shitty one? What does your DM say?

I would advise you not to try to be sensitive, and to be very clear with them about how bad things were when you were growing up, the impact of this on you during your childhood, and the fact that this 'joking' is insensitive, disrespectful and cruel.

I agree with the others. Just try to very calmly say that, although you're proud of their recovery, the past is still painful and it hurts when they joke about it.

I do know that this is easier said than done and I wish you luck.

Thing is when I say jokey it is almost not, is like undertones that he is actually cross and blames me. Maybe he remembers it differently. Maybe it's difficult to comprehend how scary it is for a young teen?

It was awful.

What was I supposed to do? Does he think I should have left them to it?

I can hear how upset you are and you have every right to be.

Are your parents in a treatment programme like AA? Or are they just "dry" in the sense that they've stopped drinking? If they're just "dry", I don't know if you know this but there is such a thing as a "dry drunk". someone who keeps all the alcoholic emotional patterns, but without the alcohol.

Your dad blaming you for his criminal and immoral actions would certainly be a "dry drunk" tactic.

You do need to stand up for your experience and tell your father in no uncertain terms that you don't appreciate his words. He is out of order and ought to be ashamed of HIMSELF, not angry with his DD.

Can I also suggest Al-Anon, if you haven't tried before, or if you have maybe trying a different meeting? every meeting has a different flavour. when you find one that's really supportive of you personally, it can be such a fab way to get your feelings about your A parents in order and start taking control of things.

They may no longer drink, but they have not taken responsibility for their behaviour as alcoholics. It's about moving the relationship from child-parent to adult-adult. For my Mum and me, it wasn't a change we could make but I hope it works out for you.

OP have you thought about al-anon, for support for yourself?

My stepfather doesn't hit my mum any more, but I grew up watching it happen. My mother is in complete denial about the effects it had on me and my siblings - she seems to think that we had a great childhood.

It sounds as if your DF is minimising the effect his behaviour had on your childhood - perhaps to make himself feel better? You'd be absolutely right to call him out on it.

Big hugs xx

I think that when you pick him up on this, you do it not in front of your mum. I think that's part of relating to him adult-adult.

Sorry you had to go through this.

Many people joke a s a "safe" way of raising and acknowledging a subject, whilst always having a safety net of "only joking" to back out if it gets too intense. It's not appropriate. He may even feel a bit better if you raise it in a more appropriate way. I would not let him get away with this kind of indirectness but it may open a can of worms