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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much would you interfere?

9 replies

alibababab · 16/02/2012 16:36

If at all. One of my oldest friends is in a newish relationship about 10 months with a man who is violent and controlling. She met him online dating and he has some sort of spectacular hold over her which is very odd to me as she is a career girl and previously very strong woman etc. She has one child aged 6. They fight a lot as he has had a difficult life when younger and she thinks she is his saviour (I know).Last week she rang me in a real state saying he had absolutely lost it in the house and he was moving out. Myself and all of our friends were delighted but after a huge valentines reunion he is back. Several people have spoken to her over the last 6 months or so about his controlling aggressive behaviour but now I feel after last week there is no hope. I am really keen to just walk away and not see her at all as she had dh and myself terrified for her last weekend and all along she was with him! My main concern is her daughter tbh who is getting somewhat forgotten amidst this volatile on off relationship Sad

OP posts:
SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 16/02/2012 16:38

Explain your worries and concerns to her, understand that it might piss her off but you have to say what you think. Then leave it as there's nothing else you can do, she's a grown up. Just be there for her when she needs you.

alibababab · 16/02/2012 16:39

I agree. I have done this but she is completely blinded by him. He talks to her like he owns her it is awful to watch. She knows I am concerned so think I will just let her get on with it now

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kodachrome · 16/02/2012 16:49

If she got out of the relationship, would you want to be close to her again? If you would, try to let her know that you'll always care before you back off - as his abuse thrives on her isolation.

tethersend · 16/02/2012 16:54

Is her DD witnessing the abuse?

It sounds as if it is of a level which would be unable to hide. If you were out of your mind with fear and worry, imagine how her DD must feel...

You need to think about calling social services.

alibababab · 16/02/2012 16:55

Yes she knows. I can't be in the same room as him ever again. She hasn't even bothered to let me know what has gone on yet she rang me hysterical several times last week.I know she is probably embarrassed. I need to tell her I can't see her with him but don't want him to get angry. It is so difficult.

OP posts:
alibababab · 16/02/2012 16:57

Yes her daughter lives with her. Last week she told me things had been bad for a while so I am sure she sees it.

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MrsGypsy · 16/02/2012 16:57

Can you get her onto MN? There's some great threads about DV/controlling relationships on here, and she might recognise the signs.

Otherwise I agree with kodachrome - let her know you'll always be there for her, but also that you're worried that she's losing her identity with this man.

tethersend · 16/02/2012 17:11

Then I think you do need to call social services.

Up to you if you want to inform your friend or not.

neuroticmumof3 · 16/02/2012 19:13

If you find the thought of calling SS a bit intimidating you can always report your concerns to the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 and they will take action if necessary.

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