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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel for my friend but what can i do to help support her?

25 replies

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 13:39

I have name changed for this as it may out me and plus if i post in here it will disappear! This may be long so please bare with me.

My friend who tbh i havent known a long time (5 months).
We have become close friends over the last 5 months and keep in contact daily. I met her at college.

She found out she was pregnant and sadly lost baby at 7 weeks, when she told her boyfriend he wasnt interested and left the house as usual for work leaving her in crippling pain. She had to make her OWN way to the hospital to get checked out. When he finished work that day, didnt check on her or ask about her, he went to the pub - a daily routine.

In December she found out she was pregnant again and is currently 17 weeks gone. Her boyfriend is a cnut to put it bluntly.
He drinks daily, getting pissed every other day, coming home steaming and tearing chunks out of her for anything he decides.

He treats her like shit, absolute shit. He told her last week that he didnt love her, he hates her and that he was seeing someone else. BUT the next day he acts like nothing has happened and is nice as pie with her. She thinks he is seeing someone else as she decided to catch him out and walked into the pub where he was cosying up with the barmaid at the end of the bar, she walked in, said to both of them, 'this is nice isnt it?' and walked back out.

Last night she text me about something and we exchanged a few texts about cleaning up, they have a puppy and hes not yet fully house trained so she went home yesterday the dog had poo'd, she cleaned it up and put extra mats down etc etc he didnt believe her and said that she hadnt cleaned it all up - said he found dried up dog poo in the house.Which she said was a lie because she cleaned up - i was there and i made the cuppas and she sorted out the dog.

She text me this morning asking me to call round if i wasnt busy. Text ws rather short so i knew something was up. I went round 20 mins later to her in tears, he started again last night, left the house and hasnt been home since. He text her at 3am saying
'i hope you fucking die, your nothing but a tramp'

This is suppose to be the father of her unborn baby, he doesnt give a stuff about that baby.

She said because of the situation she hates the baby before he/she is even born. I reassured her and cuddled her and told her that its not the baby's fault that its dad is a knob. Shes scared of been on her own and said she wont be able to cope. I told her that she has a support network around her, she gets on with her mother in ways but other times she doesnt, her mum drinks too.

She had 2 premature babies before at 30 weeks and 32 weeks. i feel so sorry for her that shes going through this in pregnancy.

I have told her that if she does go into labour early and if he isnt about or is drunk she can ring me and i will be there for her, if that means delivering baby then i will do that for her. She was 20 mins in labour with her last 2 so probably wont have time to get to hospital sad

What can i say to her to make her feel better, make her realise that life as a single mum isnt all bad, im married with 2 DC and cant comprehend how life as a single mum is as iv never been in that situation.

All i want to do is just help her realise that she is not alone, which right now, this is how she feels?

Also i think shes scared of him but makes out she isnt.
He beat her up in July which resulted in a court case, and yet she took him back. Her excuse is
'i love him'
Which i can understand!

Thank you for reading if got this far.

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady13 · 16/02/2012 13:47

I know how difficult it is, and you must want to shout at her to just leave him!

My Dsis was in a similar relationship, and she didn't manage to tear herself away until her child was 3. I watched her go through the same things that your friend is.

All you can do is to make it clear that you are there for her. You can also speak to Women's Aid about getting her help (if she wants it). Ultimately until she is ready to leave, she won't leave, no matter how unhappy she is or what he does.

kodachrome · 16/02/2012 13:49

Have a look at the Women's Aid website and see what their advice is for supporting people in DV situations. You could also put her on to them, if she's open to it.

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 13:52

She is very unhappy. Whilst i was there this morning he was texting her like nothing had happened. He asked her something like 'you dont love me no more'
she replied with 'i do love you with all my heart but i dont know why'
he replied with something 'where do we go from here'
and she replied with 'i just want to be happy with you' and his response was 'you wont get that with me'

I was shocked, i wouldnt even entertain him if i was her. Iv met him a couple of times and hes always nice but then no one knows what happens behind closed doors do they?!

She blames herself constantly and its tearing her apart. She would be soooo happy without him but love is blind for some people which is a shame, i dont know what she was like before she got with him but she is outgoing, fun, can have a good laugh, great sense of humour but when hes there shes not like that shes quiet and down in herself like she has to behave a certain way around him iykwim?!

OP posts:
FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 13:52

I could speak to her about Womans Aid but i dont think she would go for anything like that. :(

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FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 13:53

il have a look but i dont think she would take the advice iykwim?!

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/02/2012 13:53

echo CatLady.

Point her in the direction of Women's Aid: they will listen and won't judge when she is having a shit time and needs someone to talk to. And that gets her in touch with the people who can support her to leave when she is ready.

However, I don't understand this statement of yours:

^He beat her up in July which resulted in a court case, and yet she took him back. Her excuse is
'i love him'
Which i can understand!^

did you forget the " 't" after "can", or are you really saying that you follow her reasoning for staying with a man who beats her? Or are you saying you understand why she might feel that way?

kodachrome · 16/02/2012 13:57

I don't think it's love as such, it's very very damaged - more like addiction and dependence - more like Stockholm Syndrome.

It's oddly easy to get hooked onto the incredible highs and lows, but it's not love, it's a deformed shadow of it.

Buggerit · 16/02/2012 14:12

Are other people aware of the situation, i know you said she didnt really get on with her mother but she should know what is happening to her daughter, she may be able to offer help. Your friend, i am afraid, is deluded, this 'man' is never going to change, he has told her that, if she stays around to be treated like this the what does she expect. I realise that this sounds harsh but she has not just got herself to thing of, there are children involved and she owes it to them to make sure they have a safe happy environment to grow up in. These are not just flipant words from a know it all, these are from a woman who was there, who's sn ds was 10 months old when she filled his pram with clothes, picked him up and limped out of the house to never look back!

Yes she needs care and advice but she needs a reality check as well!

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:13

Yeah i missed off the t.

I probably wont see her for a week, unless she calls for a coffee or i go to hers. Which i probably will do.

Its her house, she rents. She wont leave the house and he wont leave either, she always says she loves him and thats why shes with him.

OP posts:
FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:18

Well at the moment Social Services are involved, the children live with their father in a different town, she sees them at weekends. She used to be married and left her husband for this man. Which she always says she regrets ever getting involved with him because she says he ruined her life. She gave a fantastic life with her husband for him. :(
The SS are involved because of the court case of DV in July. They stopped her seeing her children because of the risk of DV, she still sees them as her husband wont stop her from seeing them, even though he doesnt like this man he wont stop her seeing their children.

Yes my husband said the same as you buggerit but i cant turn my back on a friend, i want to be there for her when shes crying on m shoulder or down the phone. My husband cant understand women who stay with men who treat them like shit. Hes read many a threads on here (hes an ex mner) and it used to wind him up. He cant understand why women 'love' men who beat them and belittle them and treat their wives/fiancees/girlfriends like shit. I do agree with him, but she is my friend and i wont turn my back on her.

OP posts:
FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:20

Iv asked her before though 'apart from love' what else is there and she couldnt answer me. :(

OP posts:
Wrongbow · 16/02/2012 14:20

Do you think she might listen if you suggested to her that if he's capable of beating her up, he's also capable of hurting the baby? Might that spur her into action?

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:21

HotDAMNlifeisgood
I can also see why she loves him, shes been with him 3 years. But i cant understand why she loves him when he does what he does to her.

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FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:22

I dunno because he has 2 other children from a previous relationship who he sees on a weekend and by her account he adores them.

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Wrongbow · 16/02/2012 14:25

Hmm :( How much does it cost to hire a hitman these days? Hmm

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:27

i dunno wrongbow Hmm

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FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 14:35

The thing is im scared for her that when she does go in labour which could be early due to her last pregnancies been early, what if hes out/drunk and cant drive her to the hospital. Iv told her if this happens to ring me and il take her or if needs be, will help her if she needs help delivering baby. which scares the living daylights out of me.

Her mum does know what hes like but her mum drinks daily, i mean at college yesterday her mam rang her at 2pm asking to pick her up and take her home as she was pissed, when friend told her she couldnt as she was at college, she had a go at her for it :(

OP posts:
toptramp · 16/02/2012 14:49

It is actually harder to leave an abusive partner than a non abusive one op. You should buy read and lend to your friend 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. And make sure your dh reads it too so that his perpective on battered women changes.

It's not so much love as stockholm syndrome. He treats her mean and then alternates this with loving attention to suck her back in. It's all part of his nasty control trip.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/02/2012 14:51

And protect yourself too, OP.

Be there for her, yes.

But ultimately, she is an adult who is responsible for herself, and she will only leave when she is ready. Be kind, be thoughtful, offer help and advice, but make sure that your desire to help her out of her situation - terrible as it is - doesn't end up eating your own and your family's life.

Buggerit · 16/02/2012 16:43

I do understand, your name says it all really, but as other threads on here say, you need to protect yourself too. Be there for her and listen, and of course you want to help her when new baby arrives, its natural. You sound lovely op, I wish I had a friend like you 14 years ago!

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 17:51

Oh i am protecting myself, i dont go there when he is there as with what she has told me he frightens me. So id rather having nothing to do with him.
Plus my husband is behind me for supporting her but thats it.
If it came to it one night where she rang me up to tell me to go round or if she can come here after a fight/row then i dunno what id do. Would i let her come here to calm down (i dont have a spare room) or do i go round. TBH i wouldnt want to go round if this scenario came up, but then i dont think i could say 'no sorry you cant come here' - he doesnt know where i live.

I just feel at a loss with her and i feel so sorry for her. Yes she put herself in that situation, knowing what he was like BEFORE they moved in together, i mean she left her husband for him and by the sounds of her marriage it was a happy one she just fell for him and began an affair, husband found out and it went from there.

She always says to me how she regrets leaving her husband/ever meeting him.

But today with what she was saying about hating the baby made me worried for her, i dont want her to end up depressed because a complete and utter cunting arsehole. :(

OP posts:
FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 17:53

Can i get that book to read for Android? you know on my phone?

OP posts:
FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 17:54

I dont buy books. BUT i have heard of reviews fro here about it and how it changed peoples perceptions on certain things.

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Buggerit · 16/02/2012 20:05

It sounds like you know what your doing. I don't know what to suggest about going to her, or her coming to you, only you know what is best for you and her.

Best of luck to all of you.

FeelForMyFriend · 16/02/2012 21:19

Thanks will update if anything changes and especially when shes had baby

Thanks

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