DP's friend- odd behaviour

[Mindmyownbeeswax]

I have namechanged in case identified in RL.

Basically, DP's best friend, who is married, no DCs (and has been for 7 years since his mid 20s) has been saying some things that I find a bit..off.

On three separate occasions he 'joked' about going out on the pull when his wife was away with work. I reminded him that he has a wife. He said 'oh you know it crossed my mind'. A few weeks ago he was talking about his best chat up lines.

I mentioned this to my DP and he said 'oh he was only messing around'.

Thing is, his wife is lovely and I'd hate to think he was fucking around.

I know it's non of my business but it's playing on my mind.

Another of DPs close friends had a few one night stands.

Now I'm looking at my DP thinking 'well, if that's the company you keep then you would too'.

Does this all sound like male bravado? I'm losing bloody faith here.

Is there something else underlying this that makes you doubt your dp?

I do think you have a point, because the people you hang out with, tend to be like-minded (otherwise you'd be at logger-heads with them much of the time). And social groups do normalise behaviours and egg each other on. It takes strength of character to go against the grain.

I agree you should be wary of this friend - ideally you both should be socialising with people who are supportive of your marriage.

No, I've no reason to suspect my DP of anything untoward. But I'm with you koda on the normalising thing.

However I think that was just an extension of how I was feeling about his friend's initial comments about going out looking for women- ie: very uncomfortable.

I won't get involved in anything of course, but I will keep a close eye on DPs friend anyway..

"
Now I'm looking at my DP thinking 'well, if that's the company you keep then you would too'."

If you don't trust him, being fucked off with his mates is the least of your problems

well what is the issue? That you don't like his mate; so what it's DPs mate not yours? That you don't trust your OP and his mates could somehow persuade him to cheat; your relationship is in trouble

No I understand the op, it isn't ok for him to be joking about this to you and I know if one of dh friends said this to dh he would tell him he was being a prick.

His mate sounds childish, if I were you I would be looking to make new friends you can both socialise with.

his mate sounds childish yes, but its DPs mate so he obviously does not feel the same as the OP. Surely being in a rel with someone does not mean being prescriptive over who they can and cannot be friends with.

No but DP should feel the same as OP not his friend and socialising with people who see infidelity as normal is risky especially if DP has weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Its not a trust issue, its about strengthening your relationship and its boundaries - most affairs are about sliding across boundaries.

Strengthen your relationship: submit your friendships to your DP for their approval!

Well my gran always said ' if u sup with the devil you need a very long spoon'.

Beer - I used to think that. Its actually a rather naive way of thinking.

You're right in saying that there is nothing suggesting DH is sliding across boundaries but the more he mixes with this crowd who sees affairs and one night stands as normal, the higher the risk is that he may start to think about breaking boundaries - how big that risk is does depend on his personality and other factors such as how he feels about himself and his life etc.

OP - you need to talk to him about this issue and this quiz may help:
www.shirleyglass.com/quizsocial.php

I think you'd have to be extremely weak minded to have a one night stand just because your mate has - seems a bit ridiculous really.

OP I really think youre reading too much into this. What he said initially does sound like a joke to be honest and laughing about chat up lines sounds like a jokey conversation too.

I wouldnt be wasting time worrying about it in any case.

I think your DP's response of "oh he was only messing around" probably indicates that he knows it would be wrong of his mate to actually do anything. If he'd said "yeah so what?" instead then you'd have more cause to be worried.

MadAboutHotChoc trust is not the same as naivety

I think policing your DP's friends (or even just overthinking what they say) is a very bad idea. I have friends who have had affairs, I hope my husband doesn't think this means I'm 'that kind of person' (whatever that may be).

I also don't think having one nights stands if you are single is a problem, is it?

ONS if single or in a open relationship is not a problem

Having friends who have affairs is not a problem either.

But the Op is concerned about the friend who sees having affairs as normal, fun and all that. I wouldn't advise her to tell her DP to drop him but a discussion about attitudes toward infidelity, boundaries etc would be a good idea.

There's some serious over thinking on this thread!

If someone came on here saying their partner was openly disapproving of their friends and asking them not to see them based on completely unfounded and spurious grounds what would most people be saying?

You'd hope the word controlling would feature prominently.

No one is saying that she must get him to drop this friend - but OP is concerned and has posted for advice. Caution and a good chat re values and boundaries are being advised.

It's been inferred.

Regardless, the OP is making massive assumptions. Thinking your partner may have cheated because his mate has made a couple of flippant jokey comments about himself hardly requires a sit down chat about boundaries.

If it did you'd be having the conversation everyday!

Bloke here. This sort of thing goes both ways. My DP has a woman friend whose relationship history, since her divorce (many years ago) is restricted to affairs with married men, and it sometimes worries me that my DP is envious. Maybe it's the "grass is greener thing."