Do I send this or not?

[Dillydaydreaming]

Please help, this might seem very trivial but I am so annoyed with my exH.
Recently I had to return my lease car as I no longer work enough hours for it, I can't do any extra hours as our son is disabled and needs me. My exH lives nearly 300 miles away so generally cannot help with transport unless he is working in the local area (his work takes him all over the country and once a month or so he is here).

Anyhow as soon as I knew the lease car was being returned he started making promises "I'll make sure you get a car", "I'll help you with costs" etc.

This continued until after Christmas when he started saying "well I can only really do £250 or so as I'm broke" then it was "I can't do £250" .

I have finally bought a car which I paid £255 for but has had an MOT (£40), insurance initial payment (£65) and tax (£91 for six months) plus a small amount of work (£60). My friend did a 351 mile round trip to tow it back for me and did some work on it to keep the costs down for me - he has been all action while exh has been all unkept promises.

ExH pays me maintainance of £200 a month but never on the same day - sometimes it's the beginning of the month and sometimes the end depending on when he gets paid. This creates problems financially for me but I know I am fortunate that he contributes at all as many men don't.

So I am feeling irritated, I wanted to blow up at him last night when he finally said "I can only do about £50". I didn't for the simple reason our son is staying with him at the moment (comeing back today) and I didn't want him in a bad mood in front of DS.

This car was not expensive but has taken all my small savings and my tax credit leaving me with £103 to last until I next get paid. That has to feed us both, do petrol and also electricityalthough thankfully everything else is paid this month. In addition my fridge has packed up completely and I am going to need a new one.
I am so sick of him making promises he never keeps so last night wrote the following which I didn't send.......should I send it?

M

"Don't worry about adding any contribution to the car, I'll manage.....just about.
My fridge has definitely packed up too. Am asking on Freecycle but nothing doing so far.

We need to talk about money though as I cannot cope with the varying payment dates. It goes towards paying the gas etc and these have fixed direct debit dates which makes it so difficult when every month is a struggle.

I know it's difficult for you not knowing when money is coming in but you only have yourself to look after. I have to feed (DS), keep a roof over his head plus get him to school every day all of which costs me. There are times when I am borrowing right left and centre from Mum, my sister and even my Nan to do this and it feels embarrassing to have to keep asking you for money.

This month I will be more or less broke as the car is taking all and more of my savings and I still have to put petrol in. That is why I asked for a contribution - a contribution which you have kept promising over the previous months. It's gone from an unsaid amount on top of the £400 I had saved to "well only about £250" and now "well only about £50". Please please don't promise these things as you never seem able to deliver.

This is not about me but about (DS).
We live 3 miles from his school
He has to get to school
He has to get to SNAP or anywhere else he needs to go.
There is no easy bus route
I need a car for HIM and not me, I have managed fine without a car, (DS) can't get HIS needs met without me having access to one though which is why I asked you for a contribution. I would have said all this on the phone but I am tired & snappy and you have (DS) there.

The car was cheap but had to be got here (and yes I did feel I wanted P to have a contribution to the petrol even though he was declining this), it's needed a little bit of work, an MOT and insurance.

Car £255,

insurance initial payment £65, MOT £40, the few little bits it needed were another £54 and I am still to tax it which will take the cost up to nearly £500 and that's before I add any petrol......and potentially buy another second hand fridge."

If you've read this far thank you - do you think it's too much or should I wait until we are face to face and alone. Problem is I hate confrontation and these discussions usually end up in a an argument with him all huffy.

As an aside..your son is disabled? How old is he? Do you get DLA? If you do and you get the higher rate mobility for him you can swap that for a car, did you know that?

If he's screwing you about, go to the CSA.

I'm afraid legally, he's only obliged to pay child mtce, at 15% of his net salary. If he isn't paying that, then go to the CSA and they'll arrange for him to pay.

Assuming that you are divorced and that you didn't get a spousal maintenance order within those proceedings, he isn't legally obliged to pay you anything.

As Mairy says, you may be entitled to DLA and/or a motability car if your ds has mobility problems.

I think the letter will be a waste of time, sorry.

Try the Family Fund. They got me a cotbed and a washing machine.

www.familyfund.org.uk/

I think it's a very reasonable letter. I would send it, but I would leave out the 'don't worry about adding any contribution....'
One, because it sounds a bit passive aggressive and two, he should pay the money and you don't want to start off by saying it doesn't matter when clearly the rest of the note is about the fact that it does
Apart from that I think you are being incredibly reasonable with him,it's not like you are asking for much is it?
I also think it's a good idea to put it all coolly and calmly in a letter, rather than getting all tied up trying to explain it to him / him getting heated / you letting him off the hook...etc etc
This way, it's all there, it's not aggressive it's fair and he is confronted with the facts without being able to wriggle out of it

btw, as you don't have a lease car because you don't work enough hours, are you sure you're getting your entitlement to working tax credit and child tax credit?

How much is your ex's net salary, or does he keep you in the dark about it?

Go to CSA re the maintenance. And yes, make sure you're claiming all you should be.

But you would never in a million years catch me begging my XH for a car, a fridge or anything else. I'd rather sell a kidney.

I would not send it. I would try and find as much help, financial and otherwise elsewhere and go to the CSA.

If your son goes to school, how come you have reduced your working hours to the point you dont get a car? How come you thought working less and have no car would be better?

Do you feel hard done by because you were talking it through with him, he promised to buy you a car, and you henceforth reducing your hours thinking you would get both a car and reduced working hours? If so, I can understand you are upset, but he is your ex, dont expect anything from him.

But surely if she can maintain a good relationship with EX and as the Father of the child, if they can come to some agreement that he will provide a bit more then that's got to be better. Obviously, he needs to pay what he is required to by law, but if possible to ensure that he at least feels personally responsible for his son and meeting his needs and providing adequately for him.
I can understand you wouldn't want to be constantly 'asking' for money. But it is hardly begging, asking your son's father to provide transport for him (although I do understand and bet some ex husband's can make it feel like that)

Agree go to CSA, he is being unfair, and ignore all promises of money

Does your son have a Statement of SEN, because he may be entitled to help with transport. There's also help to be had with transport if you live over a certain distance from school and a quick ask in the office should give you the answer to that one.

Definitely check on your entitlement to WTC, CTC, DLA and Carer's allowance

None of which prevents your ex being a knob, of course, but at least you know where the bill money's coming from

Take out the bit about 'I'll manage' otherwise there's no point in the letter.

OP I'm sorry you are struggling like this, have you applied to a mobility scheme?

Take care

Thank you all, no it's not that I want to beg him for anything it's the fact that he makes these empty promises which is annoying. I take the "passive aggressive" point though - yes it is.

Our son is autistic but we don't get the higher rate mobility as he is able to walk unaided apart from needing supervision.

My exH and I have never done the divorce and the £200 a month agreement was mutually worked out. We still get on fairly well apart from money as he is self employed and dependent on when people pay him. He is an actor and earns enough to keep a roof over his head (rented) etc but isn't rich. I save him money when he works in this area as he stays in DS's room here or on the sofa bed. I also feed him etc when he stays.

We split up because I discovered a fairly extensive addiction to telephone chat lines which I could not get over and which he wasn't dealing with. He may or may not still have this habit, I don't ask.

As far as I am aware I am getting everything I am entitled to although discovered recently that I am entitled to £17 a week in housing benefit which I have not been claiming as I wasn't aware of my entitlement.

It's good to have other people's thoughts so thank you..

I think you might be entitled to more if you were divorced? Currently you are classified as married, rather than a single parent. Not sure how this benefits you?

It seems to me that you have a lot of practicalities to look into regards to "Life Administration". Get the divorce sorted, go to the CSA, make sure you get tax credits and all the help and financial help you might be entitled to.

The work hours are based on the fact that DS does not sleep and I am exhausted often. I work the hours I do to maintain a balance between meeting my needs and DS's wile staying employed. When I got the lease car I was full time and exH was here, once exH went I couldn't do it and reduced my hours. I've had the lease car until the end of the lease so my employers have been more than fair. I did plan to increase my hours but I was making silly mistakes in work due to tiredness and it was decided mutually by myself (after discussion with my very sensible GP) and human resources that increasing my hours was not practical at the moment. My son can still be awake at 2am!!

That would account for your name then Dilly! Send the letter, sounds like you both try to work things out between you. Perhaps you just need to be a bit more forceful and your letter is a good starting point.

You really need to go to CAB or somewhere to try to find out about your entitlements. The right to school transport is not the same as mobility allowance, you also need to ask for respite, you might not get it, but start asking now and you might get it when you need it.

The fact that your ds doesn't sleep could mean the difference between lower and higher rate DLA.

Cerebra DLA guidelines

No. You learn from it that he can't be relied upon. The letter is going to start an argument. He pays maintenance, not worth arguing over anything else - I wouldn't ask my ex for tuppence. He would be the last person on earth I would ask! And he pays maintenance.

Agree with tallwiv look again at the DLA, push for higher rate if you can, as because he needs supervision that could make the difference.
Yes it's hard work, not easy to get at all, but worth it if you push.
You won't lose any entitlement you get now whilst you appeal either?