Is there ever a time to give up on your family?

[jenrose29]

Hi, sorry if this post is ranty but am thoroughly fed up and could do with some outside perspective. When I was 15 my mum was sectioned, it was no surprise as she'd been physically but particularly emotionally abusive to me for as long as I could remember. My dad went hundreds of miles away to stay with friends and left me alone. My sister (8 years older) had moved out several years before and didn't get in touch to check on me. When my mum got out of hospital, she threw me out (as she had done many times before) and I didn't go back. Again, my dad and sister didn't bother to check on me. Eleven years on and I have my own family, a fantastic partner, 4 year old daughter and I'm six months pregnant. My mum has sent a few letters over the past year, but talking about herself and asking nothing about me or my daughter or what happened when she threw me out. I see my sister once a year at most, my dad the same. They know nothing about my daughter or I, nor do they ask. This week, I received a sarcastic letter from my mum congratulating me on the gender of my baby - I'd told my sister but asked her not to tell anyone. Then today, I get a text from my dad telling me it's my grandads funeral tomorrow. I lived with my grandad for one of the periods I was thrown out of home and was very close to him, but my dad hadn't even told me he had died. He has given me one days notice and the funeral is 200 miles away and I have no way to get there. I just feel like giving up with them completely. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm surprised it's taken you so long, really.

I also had an emotionally abusive mother and a totally absent father. My mother remarried when I was 13 and had another daughter when I was 14. She didn't want to know me, completely ignored me most of the time, never cooked me a meal, never bought me clothes, never loved or supported me. She finally threw me out when I was 18.

I did well at school and went to university. I used to go back to my home town during the holidays and rent rooms in houses, which was horrible. I stayed in touch with her for the sake of my relationship with my little sister.

Her marriage eventually ended and she really turned my sister against her dad to the point she no longer saw him. I maintained a relationship with her but found it a huge strain emotionally and in any case, my little sister didn't turn out so great and ended up quite a bit like my mum.

You know, in the end I gave up on them. There was loads of trouble and jealousy around my wedding. She told lies to my uncle and turned him against me, same with my kid sister. I didn't see her for a while after that. And then I had my first child and that was the beginning of drawing a lline underneath it. I gave her one last chance - wrote her a letter to which she replied denying eveything but eventually admitting it and telling me to 'move on.' I allowed her into our lives on a superficial level for the sake of my own daughter but told her if she screwed up then I'd be gone.

Inevitably she screwed up. And that was it, I gave up. I was six months pregnant with my second daughter at that point. My mother never met my second child and I haven't seen her or my sister in over three years.

At the end of the day, I have a responsibilty towards my daughters and towards myself. I was unhappy while she was in my life and now I feel peaceful, calm. We are so much better off without it all. I knew any relationship with her would be up and down - she'd constantly slip into abusive patterns and I'd need to withdraw from her for weeks or months on end and I didn't know how to explain that to my kids - my mother is screwed up and I don't want that to affect my daughters (or me) any longer.

I'm sure others will come along and tell you it's never ok to give up on your mother but I would disagree. It sounds as though you've reached that point. Perhaps it's time to let go?

You have made a happy life without your so called blood family's help so be proud of this a console yourself in the fact that your grandfather would have been pleased and proud for you and will hold anything against you for not attending his funeral in fact why don't you hold a little thing yourself to say goodbye in a way you know he would understand. If it was me I'd have no contact with any of them from here on and make and concentrate on your own well being and family. You can surround yourself with good friends and love what more do you need. X x x

Hi Mogwai,

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but glad you are so much happier now. I have given up on my mum for good - in the past eleven years I've seen her once. I bumped into her when I was heavily pregnant with my daughter and she told me I wasn't very big and that hopefully I'd lose her...! My sister unfortunately passed on my address without my permission which is why the letters started. My mum has never met my daughter and she never will. My daughter knows that my mum wasn't very nice and I've left it at that - she has my partners mum for her grandma and she adores her. It's my dad and sister I'm losing patience with now too. My dad was in a relationship for several years after he and my mum split and they used to have his girlfriends grandchildren over all the time, do lots with them etc. even though they lived further away than myself and my daughter. I wrote him a letter telling him that myself and my daughter are better off without him in our lives at all, than him not bothering with us for months on end. For my daughter to go to his house and see pictures of his girlfriends grandchildren everywhere but not a single one of her was not right, in my opinion. He said I was being silly, but even since they've split my daughter and I only see him once per year at most. He knows nothing about my daughter, to be honest I think he'd struggle to pick her out of a bunch of similarly aged kids on looks alone. The sad thing is, my daughter talks about him and asks why he doesn't see us much (we see my partners parents very regularly) and why he never phones, sends cards etc. It was about two years ago now that I sent the letter and told him how useless and hurtful he was being (I put it more diplomatically than that!) and nothing has changed. If anything, I see him less. Now the thing with my grandads funeral has really upset me and I can't even bring myself to call him and say I'm sorry his dad has died, I am just at a loss as to why I should bother with someone who is clearly so disinterested in my daughter and I. I spent so much of my childhood defending him to my mum and now I think maybe she had a point!

well your daughter sounds gorgeous. She's your family now.

Yes, dropped mine 20 years ago - never regretted it, one dead, one to go.

You're doing really well