Are other people's parents like this?

[Magneto]

Sorry for the really long post, and I know there is the Stately homes thread for things like this but I want the opinions of people with "normal" parents too, just to get some perspective.

Here is a text conversation I've been having with my mother today. I will add further explanation of situations when needed. There had been various texts regarding arrangements for my sister to babysit ds tomorrow, my mum is not allowed to be solely in charge of him because of her behaviour towards dh and I (not towards ds) and the condition of her house. He stays at our house or at my sister's when my sister is caring for him. Then out of the blue, she changed the theme of conversation (my mum's texts are in bold, my explanations are in itallics).

"Why weren't you worried with the armed raid?" She is referring to this on Sunday. As you can see, there was nothing for me to get upset about. I was immediately on the defensive with this comment as a common theme of my childhood was being told I was uncaring and selfish.
"What did you want me to do? Get hysterical? There was nothing I could do, doesn't mean I wasn't worried."
"Ok, you did good. I got upset when your dad got mugged. You're right though. I admire your resolve."
"Nothing happened to dh though, it's not like his shop was robbed."
"I still admire you."
"I've been living off pancakes since I've come out of hospital." She keeps putting herself into hospital because she has no money to eat and the hospital will feed her. She does have medical conditions which require attention but she never goes to appoinments etc about these conditions.
"You don't know what skint is." My mum is skint because before Christmas she kicked out my sister, who was earning money and giving it all to my mum and my brother, who was under 18 so my mum was receiving some benefits for him. Now my sister doesn't live there and my brother is 18 (she let him move back in eventually) my mum has found out that the benefits she is entitled to are not enough to fund a 2 bottles of wine and 40 fags a day habit.
"I don't know what you want me do? You still have money for wine I see. I saw it on facebook on Sunday. "I'm going to have a drink for Whitney now" you said"
"No I never. I was making a joke. Remember jokes Magneto?"
"Why are you trying to pick a fight with me? I have no money to give you."
"No you won't not can't. You're married to dh after all." Don't know what this is supposed to imply. DH does not in any way control our finances, he simply does not like my mother because of the way she treats me.
"If you don't like it you're perfectly free to have nothing to do with us."
"How stupid are you? Like you ever gave me a penny!" Before I moved out at 18 (first chance I got!) I was in the position my sister found herself in - i.e. giving my mum ALL my wages or I would get kicked out. Since then I have paid for numerous things such as car tax, insurance, a new fridge for her, £20 here and there. I haven't given her anything since before ds was born because my priorities changed and I have my own family to pay for. The "how stupid are you" comment is presumably implying that dh is somehow controlling me.
"Not doing this anymore. Goodnight mum."
"Why do YOU always bring money into it?" Did I? She was the one who tried to guilt trip me into giving her money?
"I shouldn't drive a car but I'm ok to look after ds?" She was told she was not fit to drive, she now claims that was an admin error but having been in a car with her, I don't think it was. She is trying to convince my sister and I to pay for her car tax which we won't do. She will NOT be looking after ds, my sister will. My mum will be visiting.
"I adore ds and you know it. You have never even checked up on me when I've been hospitalised, it's all about you! I won't put up with you're tantrums ever again! Already been through that, never again. Sorry ds, you know I adore you." No I don't visit her in hospital anymore, because she has been taking overdoses and drinking herself into comas since I was 15. Plus recently, as I said, she has only been going into hospital because she wants them to feed her.

So am I the one in the wrong here? Am I such a bitch for leaving my mum to starve and not giving her money when she asks for it?

Presumably your mum is on benefits if she is unable to work?

Why can't she manage her finances?

"So am I the one in the wrong here? Am I such a bitch for leaving my mum to starve and not giving her money when she asks for it?"

No also because enabling such people makes them worse and they bleed you dry to boot.

Your mother is a person who has and continues to fail you abjectly. You owe her nothing.

Why do you text your mother at all; have you thought about going no contact with this person?. You get nothing at all from this relationship apart from a load of narcissism and associated nastiness from her (again it is all about her).

I would not let your mother visit your house or DS under any circumstances.

sorry I missed part of your post.

No- most parents do not behave like this.

From what you say your mother is an addict- to alcohol and fags. It's not down to you to fund her lifestyle choices- sounds like she takes no responsibility for herself at all.

I think your mum has different priorities to food and car tax and you are not obliged to pay her road tax.

We all have the oppurtunity to spend money wisely or fritter it away. It does sound like she has alcoholism.

I think it is wrong of her to imply you are stupid to give money to your dh but not if you hand it over to her?. She doesnt like it that you dont come up with the cash anymore does she?.

Such a shame for you and your siblings.

She isn't allowed to visit our house anyway.

I don't know if I could stop all contact even though I know I should. I still feel sorry for her (on the rare occasion she's not pissing me off).

Just curious, but if she is so awful why do you let her look after your ds?

IS SHE under mental health for her overdoses?

She doesn't look after him, my sister does. My mum visits him while he is at my sister's because she isn't allowed to come to our house due to her behaviour towards me.

When I was a child, she would constantly threaten her parents that she would stop them seeing us and then she would make me phone them and tell them what they had done wrong to my mum which meant they weren't allowed to see us.

Ds adores her and she is fab with him but believe me I am wary of letting her even begin to manipulate him, hence the supervised access only.

Slarty, I don't know. I know they make her see a psychiatrist every time she goes in to hospital due to an overdose but she always comes out saying that the psychiatrist "agreed with" her about how shit we are as children and how she is driven to these actions by our behaviour. She never has any follow up appointments.

Sorry I forgot what my point was about her not letting us see our grandparent -basically, I do not want to repeat history by "banning" her from seeing ds. Especially because that's one of the first things she always says I will do whenever we argue (I would love that to be because she knows her behaviour is out of order but I honestly think that she doesn't see what she does as being wrong, so I would be the bad guy. She doesn't remember making me make those phonecalls. Nothing is ever her fault.)

You've done really well to put your foot down about her seeing your DS alone.

But as you realise, nothing is ever her fault.
So don't imagine you're having a "conversation" with her. They are monologues. Text exchanges like the one above are pointless because she doesn't hear anything you say. She's not going to be reasonable.
So don't expect anything different, don't try to win, don't bother to argue. Don't engage when she tries to provoke you.

Well I can't imagine a pysch aggreeing with her that you're all shit kids who drive her to suicide. Wtaf.

You do well to manage her at all really.

I never talk to her about anything important or even trivial anymore, never give my opinion etc because of the grief it causes the next day/week/year. But I know she has noticed this and she uses it against me as further proof of how much of a bitch I am.

I never initiate texts or phonecalls. I try not to reply but I feel so awful for her when she starts one of her "you all hate me" rants. I just wish she could see that I don't hate her, just her behaviour . It would be easier if I was an orphan, it would be better than not having a mum because she can't behave like one.

Feeling sorry for myself now, apologies for that

She's really not very well, is she? Apart from the physical aspects, I mean. The trouble is you're looking at this from the point of view of a rational person, and expecting the responses you would get from a rational person. Your mother is not that person. If you can only detach enough to stop expecting anything she says to make sense or to relate in any way to the real world you won't be continually disappointed. I don't see why you shouldn't still love her - assuming you do - or carry on with this carefully managed contact with her grandchild, as long as you can bear to and your DS doesn't suffer from it. It's just that she will keep coming out with this nonsense and nothing you can say will actually make any difference. Oh, and giving her money won't help. She will use it to make herself even more ill and won't be in the least bit grateful. I don't believe she can "do" gratitude. It's all want, want, want, like a very small child.

Most parents are not like this, thank goodness!

Ok, I've not sent her any more messages but have received these two, which have just incensed me. Can you imagine if a dh spoke to his dw like this? My mum has been a victim of dv, why the fuck does she do this to me? Sorry about the text speak, I'm on my phone so I've had to copy and paste.

Please stop it with the insults once & 4 all magneto. U know how much i love u, & adore Ds. Im allowed 2 speak u know! U really upset me, yr grown-up, u wldnt do it 2 anyone else! Pse stop it now. xx

Its not my fault yr in a mess, & iv always paid back wot yv lent me. I never put u in yr situation. I wont c ds without u wanting me 2. Its too upsetting 4 me.wont go behind yr back. Hope u feel better soon luv. Im not the enemy.x

I should be the one saying these things to her, not the other way round. I can clearly see this is some sort of psychological thing she's trying to pull on me and if it were dh it would be the end of the relationship.

How can I be strong enough to cut all ties? I feel sick at the thought, she's my bloody mum, why has she always treated me like this?

Still getting texts from her, I've had no contact with her since wednesday night. I don't understand why they hurt me so much.

She's going on about how I've grown up and realised what a mistake I've made (marrying dh) as he was the "first one who looked" at me and so I'm taking it out on her.

This is a completely new angle for her, she's never had a go at dh before or questioned our relationship. Yes he was my first boyfriend and we married relatively young at 20 but we've been together longer than her marriage lasted.

I think maybe she has finally realised that in dh, i have someone to rely on and so don't need the (vaguely) maternal relationship with her anymore.