Relationship ended, but thinking about moving in together....?

[snorkmaidenmummy]

Me and DP split pretty much as soon as I told him I was pregnant with our DD who is now almost 6 months old. He was in and out of my life throughout my pregnancy and to be honest I did'nt know if I'd be bringing up LO entirely on my own. Since her birth however, he has (thank god) become smitten with DD and has been a great dad. By and large our relationship is a lot better (though not great in that we are not together and neither of us really want that so getting back together is not an option).

The issue we have recently come across is is that I have to move out of my flat (which is great place - I was so lucky to find it as its lovely inside and its in a great area) as my land lady is selling up. It is also very good value - other flats in the same area are going for at least £100 above what I'm paying at the moment. His lease on his flat is coming to an end. Money (for me in particular) is TIGHT. I'd really like to live nearish where I am at the moment and also want ex DP to maintain regular and easy access to DD but it'll be tough to find somewhere that I can actually afford. DP came round tonight and we got talking and the suggestion was made that we move in together for at least awhile. It means the rent/household bills etc gets halved for me (a massive weight off my shoulders!) and it means he can see as much of DD as he likes. I also have some good friends living near me and have gotten close to my HVs and other mums at my local baby groups. These are the positives. The negatives are that at the end of the day we are not in a relationship and I think it would just feel like we are in some sort of pseudo marriage. Boundaries would get crossed too. Sometimes he'll stay over at my current flat and I feel a bit like I don't really want him there. We both have the same reservations. He suggested that we do this only for a short while, just to see how it goes.

I feel really torn. We have'nt actually decided anything yet, we agreed to sleep on it and discuss it again in a few days. Am I just crazy even contemplating moving in with my ex?

Sorry for the long post, I don't have anyone to talk to right now, so just getting it down has helped and I would be greatful for any feedback!

I think you need to be really, absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, positive that you have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. Be brutally honest with yourself.

If yes, if there's even a smidgeon of a romantic thing left, then don't do it.

If no, he's really just a friend who happens to be your DD's father, then it could work. Very clear ground rules, rotas of who does what and when, have the discussion re his GFs/your BFs upfront, talk about finances and write it down.

SIOB

Probably not the best idea. Sorry.

It's possible that it could work OK, but it's far far far more possible that it won't.

Too complicated. I'd try to live apart.

Woah, sooooo difficult.

How can either of you get on with your lives, meet other people etc, whilst living together.

I'm sorry I'd avoid like the plague!

Far too complicated. I think it could end up being a very negative experience. I'd avoid it too.

Absolutely crazy in my opinion.

It could work I just think there are so many different things to take into consideration. You would need totally clear and set rules.

What happens if he meets a new girl and moves out to live with her? Will you be able to afford the rent on a shared place alone or will you have to up sticks and move again?

How will you feel if he meets a new girl, goes out on a date of an evening, then brings her home and shags loudly for hours in the next room, while you have spent the evening at home minding your DD? Or even worse one night stands?

How will you feel if he and any new girl spend the evening cuddled up in the front room or playing with your DD?

Plus all the reverse if you meet someone new.

What happens if you meet a new bloke? Will you move out again or will you expect your ex to?

What happens if you both have a few drinks and fall into bed and then he or you decides it was a mistake and you are trapped in the same house for the duration of the lease?

What happens when you just don't want his face around because of memories of how he was during your pregnancy are pissing you off or just because you don't want his face around

He has already proved he can be a fantastic dad while you are not living together. I personally think that is the way forward.

No! No! This would be an absolute disaster. I understand that you are broke, but really, you can't possibly live like that.

Could you try for a houseshare with another single mum? You could share bills and have some company. Does anyone do that?

"Sometimes he'll stay over at my current flat and I feel a bit like I don't really want him there"

FOR THIS REASON ALONE, DON'T DO IT.

It would only work in a really big house, with enough space for both of you to be able to bring dates home whenever you wanted to. I have a co-parent relationship with my DS' father, and we have talked about living together but not done it and I don't really think it would work for us. either. And we have known each other for 20 years (DS is 7).

Don't go there! Really..