Need some support in this please. I don't have any at all in real life

[MaybeSheWill]

I've copied this from another thread, but it pretty much covers it all.

My P likes to say he's not a bastard he's a git. He never does enough to be a complete bastard, but does enough to show he doesn't value me, or think of me as an equal person that it's now become more than I can deal with and I'm ending our relationship tomorrow.

I deserve someone that is nice to me, and really cares about me. Not someone that is a bit useless but not useless enough to be a complete bastard. That's killed a lot of the self esteem I spent a long time building back up. Today is my last straw. Fucking off to watch MMA with single mates, taking one of my books to give to his friend and a bottle of wine from my place when we don't even live together (after 6 years of living together and a year of not) without an "I love you", "Happy Valentines" or even a kiss is where my line is drawn.

Now I just need to stick to it, and it is going to be hard. He's much more intelligent than I am, I'm depressed and have very little confidence and he's a salesman so he's good at talking me round. I have 2 friends that I see about once every 2 months, I don't work and I don't really speak to or see anyone but him. I feel very, very trapped.

This may well be the wine talking. If I get rid of him I have no adult contact left.

Sweetie please re post telling us about YOU. A copy and paste isn't going to get many replies. Post about you personally and people will help.
Liz x

I don't know what to say about me. I don't think there is much. I'm not working, I'm signed off long term with depression. I never leave the house. I have a 13 yo DS and and 11 yo DD and the only time I go to the Tesco next door or the shops over the road is if I go with them. I don't think they know, but that's the way it is.

I used to be so sociable and confident and have such a good life and I don't know where it went. I used to go to gigs and festivals, and make things and paint and draw and talk to people and I don't do any of it any more.

I don't think there's very much left of me :(

Could you see your GP? I wish I had the answer, I am pretty much in the same boat.
I'm sure there are others on this forum that will have more positive advice...

I've seen my GP. I'm on antidepressants. I know my major problem is my so called relationship, I'm just terrified of being completely and utterly alone, which is what will happen. I have no family at all, I've moved to be with him and have very few friends (2 actually). I just feel so utterly pointless.

If I stopped existing tomorrow nobody but my children would notice or care.

Why do I have the feeling that your depression and anxiety will get better once he is out of your life?

You can only get worse with him, I'm afraid.

Counselling or therapy may help more than pills. The usual stuuf too about evening classes, joining groups etc. Getting out makes you feel less alone, less dependent.

Now I have days of doing nothing and being nothing punctuated by him coming over now and then. Once he's gone I have nothing. I get up, get kids sorted for school, do nothing all day, cook dinner, go to bed and repeat. He is my only adult contact. I've become so bloody pathetic.

I used to be so strong. I didn't care that I had no family because I had so many friends and so much in my life.

he might not be a full on bastard but he is using that to keep you with him that makes hiim a bastard... i was like you no friends rarely saw family then i gradually as i left him my depression eased and i am getting abit of myself back i have my issues still but leaving him is the best thing i ever did!

im sorry i am no help but i think just go to the GP they refered me to counselling and cbt for other things but it became clear it was my relationship that was the significant thing i needed to be there for

goodluck! x

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy and felt pretty much the same as you have described. I had slowly slipped into an existence of not really having many friends and did'nt go out that much. I was quite apathetic and stopped doing things I enjoyed like doing creative stuff etc. I stayed with him for as long as I did primarily because I thought it would be better to be in this unhappy relationship than to be completely on my own. It was not a happy relationship and in hindsight I can see a lot more clearly that he was quite manipulative - he also was quite "clever" and would be able to undermine me and argue with me to make me feel like I never had a valid point etc which did nothing to improve my confidence. When I finally did leave him, I WAS on my own. I was on my own for a while until I plucked up the courage to go to a self help group for people with depression. We would sit around in a circle and discuss how shit we were all feeling and they would also arrange days out - things like meeting up at the cinema, meals, walks, that kind of thing. It was a gentle way of getting used to being round people and was not too scary as everyone was in the same boat so if you felt overwhelmed, anxious, shy, whatever people would understand. I managed to build my confidence up and eventually I managed to get a job (I had been unemployed for quite a while). My confidence has slowly increased and I now have some good friends in my life (2 of whom I met at the self help group which I no longer feel I need to go to). I've worked hard building up my confidence and even though I'm not at the place I would like to be I'm a hell of a lot better than I was a few years ago.

I'm sorry for being a bit long winded but my point is is that if/when you leave this guy who is clearly making you unhappy, it will be tough and lonely to start with but you can do it on your own. I'm sure you're a really lovely, smart strong woman. You say that you used to be a strong woman with loads of friends and this shows that that is the real you and that if you were like that once you can be like that again. But you can only get back to being like that if you make changes in your life. From my own experience, as I have stated above, finding groups for people with depression helped me get back on the wagon (if that's the right phrase?) in terms of socialising etc. Perhaps something like that might work for you too? I had gone from strong, sociable person to timid, depressed person back to strong sociable person. In fact I feel stronger now than ever before. I hope that things will get better for you xxx

I wonder if you have lost contact with friends and family because of this unpleasant man? Has he been so rude to them all that they have backed off, or has he convinced you that they are bad for you, or 'disrespectful' of him?
Living with an abusive man is worse for your mental health than anything else; you might find that contacting your friends and telling them that you are rid of him will bring them back into your life and you will regain your strength.
Best of luck.

I am going to get rid of him. I am determined to do that. I know I'd be better off alone than feeling undermined and confused into thinking everything is my fault in the way he does.

It's not that I've lost friends because he's convinced me they're bad for me, it's because he's convinced them that I'm unbalanced. I didn't cope well with being hit (the one time he did it, when I was suicidally depressed) and because I was so withdrawn he managed to persuade everyone it was something I'd invented because I'm mental.

Oh god, It sounds so ridiculous written down.

And I can't stop him seeing my kids. he's been in their life for 7 years, they're 11 and 13, he's the only dad they've known and he is really very good with them. It means I'm stuck with him forever.

I've been through worse. We were in a refuge for a year, after my kid's dad almost killed me. A thread on here has reminded me of that. I can do this. I may come back for support, I will actually, but I coped with a worse situation before and I'd kind of written it off as me being stupid and pathetic but I wasn't. I was strong and I've done bloody well to have 2 kids that are happy and well balanced and (MN cliche) eldest is doing 3 GCSEs next year and he's 14 which means the dreaded G&T thing. I just find it hard to believe I'm worth anything or can do anything and that's the pathetic thing.

op -

first things first, you have resolved to ending the relationship, so you are well on your way to starting the positive changes in your life.

Being with him is not preferable to being on your own, even if it seems like it at the time.

End it with him tomorrow, be strong, and once you don't have him to contend with you can start to think more clearly about what it is you want and where you want to be.

You can get rid. Unfortunately, because you have had a previous toxic relationship, this awful man targeted you: he is abusive, too, just that he is a different flavour of knob than the last one. Abusive men smell vulnerability, move in and feed off it. You will be much better off without him.