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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My valentines day present was being told he hates me.

44 replies

RedGurnard · 14/02/2012 20:00

My crime?

To wait around all afternoon for us to go food shopping while he studied and eventually he rushed us out 25 mins late and cutting it fine for his hobby this evening.

I needed to do my weekly shop as we have no food in the house. I rushed around as fast as possible and drove like a twat on the way home in my car. I have ptsd from a crash he had last year and he knows this.

I told him he couldnt drive my car to his hobby, he'd have to take his. mine is brand new and my pride and joy. He drive his into the house last week.

He hates me ans apparently Im just like his father.

OP posts:

conspire · 14/02/2012 20:40

If you are feeling nice you can give him a deadline, say 2 weeks to get a room in a shared house like other students do.

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 20:40

" I would have gone on my own but he insisted on coming!" Well that puts thetin lid on it for me. Nasty, petulant and controlling!

hathorinareddress · 14/02/2012 20:43

If he's a student, his friends will have floors.

He can go there.

Simples.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 14/02/2012 20:43

If he's a student there are people at the Student Union whose whole job is student welfare. They'll find him somewhere to crash.

Red, honestly, get rid of him. Months from now, when he is gone, you'll wonder why you didn't just get rid of him at the first sign of crapness.

Unless of course he's amazeballs in bed. In which case I understand.

But even then the hotness of the sex will inexorably be diminished by his crapness at everything else and then you won't even have those memories to hold on to.

Dump him. Dump him now.

savoycabbage · 14/02/2012 20:44

he has nowhere to go so you are just going to live with him and let him me mean to you and make you unhappy?

Throw him OUT. He will find somewhere to go. And later, you will find someone who treats you like a human being. My dh brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning as he loves me and he knows it takes me a while to wake up. I'm nothing special. The person you are sharing your life with should treat you nicely. You don't deserve this man.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 14/02/2012 20:45

It IS as simple as throwing him out. He is an adult. He is not bound to you by blood nor marriage.

Every day he's there is another day he gets to treat you like a tosser, and worse, you see that as normal.

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 20:50

If you are frightened that he will become aggressive you can call the police domestic violence unit who will send someone round to make him go quietly and arrest him if he doesn't behave himself.
It is not your problem that he doesn't have anywhere else to go: it's his own fault, for being an arsehole.

Taghain · 14/02/2012 20:52

Red, he has told you that he hates you.
You've told us that you hate him.

It's time to part.
Tell him to find other lodgings double quick, tell him you want him to leave, and MEAN IT.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 14/02/2012 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

conspire · 14/02/2012 21:02

Red if you read this OP what would your advice be

"AIBU to let this man move in? I've known him a while and he is sometimes nice to me but other times he can be quite derogatory and he gets angry if things don't go his way. He is controlling sometimes and I don't think he will help out around the house v much. We used to have fun together so I feel like I owe him but recently I just feel like I want to detach. The truth is I don't like him anymore and he has said he doesn't like me either. The thing is, he is a student and all his family live far away and he has few friends, if I don't let him live with me he will have to pay rent and look after himself whereas here he can live for free. Does anyone else have a student treating them like dirt who they don't like living in their house? Should I put up with his rudeness or should I tell him to find his own place?"

If you wouldn't let him move in now then don't feel you can't tell him to move out now.

JustHecate · 14/02/2012 21:07

Why is where he goes your problem?

So he can talk to you like shit on his shoe and you'll take it because you are responsible for ensuring a roof is over his head?

What if he tells your child he hates them?

What if he hits you?

What's your line in the sand and why is it there? Up to this level of treating me like shit I will take but go beyond that point and I'll do something?

You hate him. He says he hates you. You don't want children with him, you don't want a future with him - but you feel responsible for ensuring that he has a roof over his head?

bollocks to that.

He has a car, he can sleep in that or drive it the hundreds of miles to his family.

It's not your job to keep a roof over the head of someone who says they hate you!

BayPolar · 14/02/2012 21:12

...and then they got married and had kids......and she looked back on the day when she should have thrown him out there and then but didn't.

Original poster

RedGurnard · 14/02/2012 21:17

I can't throw him out now. I am being selfish-someones got to think of me and he sure as hell isnt. I cant afford the rent without him living here, and before I get told to move somewhere cheaper there really isnt much cheaper you can get around here.

I have a plan. Bide my time,apply for the uni course I have been putting off. Move away in the summer when we were going to have to move anyway.

Our relationship will be over. Just living together because neither of us have a choice.

And then enjoy being single!

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGurnard · 14/02/2012 21:18

I have a plan. Bide my time,apply for the uni course I have been putting off. Move away in the summer when we were going to have to move anyway.

Our relationship will be over. Just living together because neither of us have a choice.

And then enjoy being single!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 21:36

Make sure you use as many forms of contraception as possible in the meantime then. :(

BasilRathbone · 14/02/2012 21:42

Can't you advertise for a new flatmate?

You know, life has a momentum of its own.

I remember thinking I'd probably be with my cocklodger for a couple of years because it was convenient at the time.

But then other things happen, life settles down, it's never a good time to chuck him, things are generally OK and you don't expect anything good out of life anyway... and before you know it, you've had kids and half a life with him.

Please take action. Advertise for a new flatmate, when you've got one lined up, give him notice.

You don't have to share with him. There are nice people out there. And all the time you're with him, a decent man who might be better for you, won't come near you because you've got a partner, seemingly.

Original poster

RedGurnard · 14/02/2012 21:56

I don't think a new flatmate would be too keen on sharing- it's a one bed house.

I'm on the pill plus the best form of contraception- no sex! - we havnt slept together for months.

OP posts:

Lueji · 14/02/2012 22:04

At least that.

I know of some flat shares where people made the living room into a bedroom, but it only works if it's not open plan.

Still, it might work if you move into a flat share.

solidgoldbrass · 14/02/2012 23:05

Can you look into housing benefit, tax credits, etc? Or ways of generating extra income? Even rearranging the house so another room can do duty as a bedroom. You shouldn't have to put up with this unpleasant man just for financial reasons.

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