I am a regular user of this site but have signed up again due to the sensitive nature of my topic, I appreciate anyone who is reading this because I am agonising over what to do/what not to do.
To give you some history, both my husband and my sister in law grew up with their mother suffering from mental illness (amongst other things) in and out of hospital for most of their childhood, their father going in and out of their lives and not really being around and being brought up mainly by their grandparents, so never really having any stability or self worth. When SIL was a child she was raped by their step father, this only came to light when she was about 17 when she felt brave enough to speak up. She was pregnant twice and had terminations both times. She then went into a physciatric hospital some months later as she was self harming quite badly and also tried to kill herself. When SIL was only 18 their mum died, she died tragically & suddenly when she went missing from hospital. I don't say any of this light heartedly, they have had a very sad and hard life.
However SIL has done so well for herself and we have helped her to get her own flat, furnish it and help her to live her own life, she has friends and she has family who love her. Suffice to say that step father is no longer around. However about a year ago she met a chap and I encouraged her to be brave and go out on a date when he asked her. Shortly after they became a couple (first relationship understadably) and she seemed so happy, until one day when she found out he had cheated on her. She gave him a second chance and so did her family, knowing that if she was happy and he could prove that he could be good to her then that was all that mattered. However husband and I think she is in a destructive relationship which is no good for her. I find her boyfriend intinimadating and once DH went to the football with him and he was very aggressive towards other people. I have heard him talking in such a derogetory manner and mentioned it to DH a couple of times. I also know that when their mum died she and DH had some of her life insurance money, DH put his into our house, SIL (now 21) was planning to use it to go to University but instead has spent it, on him, going out, drinks, clothes, pub etc. When they got together he wasn't working and she funded his lifestyle, up until recently he was working but I understand he had a disagreement with his manager and so walked out...he's now looking for work. She's recently started to confide in me about some of the things he does. She is very upset as he asks for her money, says he will pay her back and doesn't, she is getting into debt because of him. He gave her £100 recently to 'pay her back' but I well know he had £7.5K which is now gone. This £100 seems to redeem him in her eyes. What concerns me most of all is that she tells me all the time that she doesn't want to be with him forever, she cringes when I she talks about possible marriage, apparently he has suggested it and is horrified by the idea. She has also said this to other members of her family and is always asking for their advice. In the last month they have been 'on a break' twice which only lasted a weekend. The last time, she came to see me in a state. It turns out that she woke up in the middle of the night she woke up and he was having sex with her, she told him to stop and he did. He claims her was 'sleep walking', what a load of tosh, I'm not being funny but that is the lamest excuse ever. Due to her past they don't have sex, she has a lot of emotional baggage and they did it once but it brought everything back so she's going for counciling to help her feel more able to be intimate with someone, he does not understand this. She was in a complete state about it when she first told me but now she seems to have brushed it under the carpet.
I told my husband and he was on the verge of tears, he was angry but remained calm. I spoke to my mum about it and she was great, she said all I can do is keep supporting her. I however feel like she is in a destructive relationship and worry A LOT about what goes on behind closed doors. So I called the samaritans because I've been so worried and don't know what to do. They can't advise but after the call I had a cleaner head, called her and invited her to stay the weekend. I want her to remember that she has other people in her life. She is getting further and further away from us, when we invite her she can't come because she's with him. At Christmas for example I practically had to twist her arm. When we were all at their grandparents house their gran said "oh it's been so long since I've seen you", you know she's a little old lady, it's what they say, but he got really defensive and jumped down grans throat and said "no it hasn't, it's only been 3 weeks".
Last week I confided in her Aunt and told her everything, she is also worried but neither of us know what to do. She's pretty much left the ball in my court since SIL is the one talking to me. I just feel like if I don't say anything that she could be in a very bad relationship and he could be doing all sorts to her and what if it comes out further down the line that I knew and I could have done something about it, I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her. Then again what happens if I say something to her family and it pushes her further away or she never talks to me again because she told me in confidence. Maybe I should just be there to listen to her and support her, it's just that I hardly get to see her anymore (because of him), so it's harder to support her. I'm thinking about all of this almost constantly now and I just want to help her. Maybe I'm over reacting and actually I'm adding 3 + 3 and coming up with 27.
Any advice would be welcome because I just don't know what to do.