Don't know where to post this, really upset

[shocked1]

I feel sick. I'm very confused.
I found out something terrible yesterday. A man my sister met on the Internet and has been seeing for a few months is a convicted child abuser. My sister is vulnerable with past MH issues. She only found out 2 days ago. As yet she says she doesn't know how she feels. My Mum is being really weird about it. She's almost making light of it. She herself was abused as a teenager and I don't think she's ever come to terms with it. My brother and I both think my sister should cut off immediately from this man. My Mum is being odd and saying really odd things, like she 'understands' if the relationship continues. My sister is in total shock but says the man has 'good qualities'. To an outsider they seemed to have a good relationship before this horrible shock. I think my Mum is not helping by being in denial about what this man did and I had a huge row with her yesterday. My sister needs the confidence to just end it, doesn't she? I feel absolutely sick and ill about it. I don't know what to do. Please be sensitive with your replies. My sister has been suicidal before with anorexia and depression. I'm really worried about her.

How certain are you of the facts?

All I know is what he told her and she told us. He'd told her before he had a terrible secret and that he was suicidal about it.

does your sister have children

or do you, OP?

I would be telling her to run for the hills, whether she has children or not.

And if I had children I would be telling her that I would NEVER allow my DC and her boyfriend to meet each other. Not a single time.

She surely deserves better than this?

Don't discuss this with your mum, she is showing that she is ill-equipped to deal with this situation. And she will compound the confusion for your sister.

A convicted child abuser is surely not a keeper for your sister, surely.

I think you need to discover a way to support your sister in her decision making, and try to be patient if she doesn't straight away make the choice to bin.

Keep close in contact with her meanwhile and continue to be kind.

I have children and the first thing I told her was that I would never ever be in the same room as him and that they would never meet him or be within 100 miles of him. My brother said the same.
She has no children thank God.
I think I must tell her to get the hell out.
I cannot understand my mother's weirdness. She's normally sound in her reactions.

If she has children, I would inform both their other parent and SS. She can't be taking chances with their welfare.

X posted OP

Thanks Agnesbigg, that makes sense.

Repulsive as it is, I don't think you can "tell" her to get the hell out. All you can do is make sure you keep your children safe and give your sister the confidence and support she needs to make the decision herself.

By lawing down the law, you're likey to make her feel under pressure, and may even isolate her from your family support, making her more likely to stay with the man.

Yes agent, that's the danger. She's so unpredictable anyway. I need to be supportive but make clear my total unease.

I don't think you can tell her either, just be supportive. FWIW, he has sought a relationship with someone without children. That is a good thing. Was she/is she planning on kids? It is possible that he is trying to stop offending and a relationship with her is good because she is not a mother.

Well, OP, you have the right idea about your DCs, so that's the urgent bit taken care of.

All you can do is keep close contact with her as Agnes says, and continue to be as kind as you can.

Although he may seem terribly guilty about what he's done "terrible secret...suicidal" please bear in mind that sometimes people will act how they think society believes they should act. Obviously this is not applicable to everyone and some are rehabilitated, whatever their crime, but it is a possibility.

If your sister is vulnerable, it is very important that you keep her close to you. If her new partner is looking to manipulate her, the first thing he will do is encourage her to cut contact from family members, because you can keep her safe and help her.

I would want more info: how long ago was this conviction? And was it for abuse or was it for sex with a 15-year-old whose age he didn't check? And is he saying that he is/was innocent of the charges, or that the child in question 'looked older' or does he appear to acknowledge that he did something wrong?
Though do bear in mind that unless your sister is officially classed as a vulnerable person with support in place, you can't make her end the relationship. If she has a support or care team I suppose you could let them know your concerns.

I typed out a very long and convoluted post and deleted it .....I was rambling as I could quite easily have written your post last year OP. How long has your sister been in contact with this man? She sounds like a very vunerable individual by your description and I really understand your concern for her.

hi there
Sorry to hear about this OP - not sure AIBU is the right place for it though, so we are going to move this to r'ships
M Towers

I really have my doubts about whether rehabilitation is possible and even if it is with people like this, I cannot understand why my sister would want to involve herself.

I find it deeply depressing that she can't just end it immediately.
I want to keep her close to protect her but I feel really sickened that she won't end it. I can't respect her current decision to keep contact with him.

I have worked with people who have been convicted of sexual abuse. Rehabilitation is very hard but it really depends on what the offences were. One count of sex with someone younger but not a young child (past puberty) is one thing. Sexual abuse of more than one pre-teen, extremely difficult and dangerous.

Give her lots of love and support. You don't have to like her decisions you do have to love her.

Solidgold, I'm not sure when the conviction was but he's about to be removed from the register. So a while.
The conviction was for indecent images but there were no assault charges and he swears that there was no 'touching' at all.
He served 1 yr of a 2 yr sentence.
He swears to my sister that he feels sickened by his own behaviour. He actively makes sure he is never around minors. I have no idea of the age of his poor victimn nor does my sister. He has also told my sister that he was abused as a child and told noone.
None of it would really reassure me or make me want to continue a relationship. I'm particularly worried that my sister will go into 'saviour' mode and see him as nothing but a victimn (somewhat seems to be his view of himself).

MrsTerryPratchett, thanks, I think that's the realisation I'm coming to. Do you think rehabilitation is actually possible if someone genuinely knows they've done something dreadful?

I personally would be running a mile, but i think she needs the full facts.
A family i worked with, dad was a sex offender. BUT turned out he had slept with 15 year old girlfriend when he was 17.
20 years later, he was dealing with it.

I also worked in rehab for addictions and I think it is very similar. In order to be rehabilitated you have to do some real work on yourself, in this case maybe on unresolved abuse issues in his life. You also have to be constantly vigilant. You are never 'cured' but can be working on it the whole time. I think that him seeking a relationship with someone without children may be a sign that he is working on it. It sounds like he is trying but I know you must feel incredibly worried and upset. If she ever plans on having children, this may not be the relationship for her.

Thanks MrsTP, that's very helpful. I'm going to try and sleep now. Thanks for all the replies.

SGB has voiced what I was thinking too, and if the photos were perhaps of underage but teenage girls, that doesnt make it right, but it is (in my opinion, very different to images of young children (pre teens). I think another important factor would be his age too.. it would make a difference to me if this happened when he was a teen himself or early 20's, than if he were a middle aged man.

To me there isnt a black and white to this, it is very much dependent on the actual facts of the case, and whilst being abused as a child himself is no excuse, it would certainly be a factor in how I would view it too.