Some of you may remember me 
- i am very memorable ...
So often on here (as was my experience) I see women being told to get themselves into a women's refuge and a link is put up to an old post where someone shared their experience of what it was like. I kept a diary to get me through the early weeks of fleeing and going into refuge and stayed in two very different refuges for over a month. I would like to post my experience on here. Anyone who has doubts or questions feel free to post or PM me - i will answer as best I can.
I will stress that ive been honest, and that anyone referenced in this post gave their permission and whilst some of what Ive said may come across as shocking we felt honesty is necessary. Too many people cotton wool on here and Im not going to be one of them.
The word hostel or refuge created an image in my head of somewhere awful and I avoided going to one for a long time. It wasn?t until I was pushed to leave that I had to reluctantly allow my HV to phone and book me a place. I was determined I would only be there for a few days, that it would be a dump and that the women would be aggressive individuals that all swore lots and had husbands who wore string vests. Oh how wrong was I!!
A taxi drove me to the gates which were in the middle of nowhere. A smiley lady came and met me but was busy chattering away to the taxi driver and ferrying my bags in through doors. Once we were inside the doors were shut with a bang not unlike doors in horror films!! It wasn?t a good start! We walked through a lobby with alarms and electronics attached to the doors and into a large hall (it was like a manor house so think entry hall of stately home) with an impressive staircase leading up. I was taken straight up to my room which I was staying in briefly before being moved on. It was the emergency room (a room put aside for people suddenly finding themselves fleeing and in desperate need of somewhere to stay). This was a small but surprisingly clean and modern room. It had bunk beds and a cot for Wibble. There was also a sink, chair and small chest of drawers. The carpet had been cleaned, the room smelt of strong washing powder and polish, and the covers on the bed were crisp, clean and new. I was told to sit down and brought a cup of tea while I settled Wibble and then the worker gave me a tour. The refuge took 11 families ranging from single women to a mum with 4 children. The rooms were tailored to the family in terms of size, beds and furniture and all apart from mine had a TV and internet connection. Bathrooms are shared between 2 rooms, with either a bath or walk in shower and toilet. They were all new and very well kept. ALL housekeeping in refuges is done by the residents according to a rota and bathrooms and kitchens as they are used. This makes them very clean as no-one wants to be the one woman who doesn?t pull her weight!
Downstairs there was a dining room much like a school dinner hall although much smaller which led out into the conservatory which acted as a playroom. There were highchairs, and 6 shelves of toys ranging from puzzles and board games to baby toys. A playroom was kept locked leading off the dining room and this held arts and craft materials which could be used with mums and workers on weekdays mornings. Leading into the house from this room were the two kitchens. These were large kitchens and each family had a lockable cupboard and their own fridge. These are kitchens asking to be used and have all the equipment needed to cook up a feast which we often did with the stereo on at the weekends when the children were in bed!! Down the corridor were rooms for those with a wheelchair and the quiet room, a space used for interviews with police, solicitors or Social workers. And further still the laundry room with both machines and dryers so that wet washing didn?t have to hang about in rooms. Heading across to the other side of the house was the lounge. This was a lovely large room with thick carpets, deep comfy sofas, book shelves, a TV and coffee tables. There was an Xbox and a Nintendo Wii which could be collected from the office and used throughout the day until 8pm which was adult time in the lounge. The office was near here and there were always workers available to chat about anything and everything. I once spent an hour talking about how I missed crufts being on the TV and then other days spent hours talking about the abuse id suffered and where I wanted to be months down the line. They are brilliant people that generally understand any emotion you happen to have, and they are always happy to listen. In corners of the house there was also a den for 11+ yo with mood lighting, bean bags and fibre optics and a soft play room for babies. Outside were more toys and a bus shelter for smokers.
The RESIDENTS
I have described what I was expecting. The first woman I met was a friendly sort of woman singing in the kitchen with slippers on!! The first thing she said to me was ?Chicken dinner?? She had heard I was coming and had put a ROAST on for me. Next was a lovely quiet lady with several boys, the smallest of whom was 2 and gorgeous!! She gave me a hug and said welcome. As more women drifted in I began to realise how wrong Id been. They were all well spoken friendly down to earth women. Talking to them I began to realise that abused women come from all walks of life - one was an ex-farmer, one a teacher, one a solicitor, one a gym instructor and one a shop assistant and several SAHMs. They all took to Wbble and over the week that I was there I was able to leave her with one or two of them while I nipped in the shower or ask them to listen out for her crying while I went and made dinner. I cannot stress enough the importance of the support network that you are instantly part of when you walk in the door. You begin to talk about your partner and at least 3 women in the room begin nodding - They KNOW what you are saying, they have lived it. And when you get the wobbles, someone is there with a hug and a tissue and you share your feelings and cry together. They are all in the same boat as you. I made some friends for life in that first refuge. One woman in particular struck me instantly in the way that she was able to just state the awful things that had happened to her. She was utterly numb to it. You gain strength and understanding from a place like that. I now know that the women who was aggressive and confrontational was only like that because she had been beaten every day of her life, had her skull fractured and miscarried her child as a result. She was determined no-one would hurt her again. And the lady with a drinking problem? She blocked out the memory of her husband raping her every night.
I have never felt so able to be myself, to be free. The workers help you get your benefits sorted, arrange a solictor, counselling etc. Refuges across the country are doing a fantastic job and it is only their need to stay hidden that prevents the public knowing how vital they are. I hope that anyone having doubts about going into one gains a little reassurance from reading this. Ive tried to be as honest as possible - I found that people?s stories helped me a lot.
Twinkle x