H and I have had nth massive argument during which he became very verbally offensive

[feelokaboutit]

Is being called a stupid bitch, a stupid cow and being told to fuck off enough of a reason to actually "fuck off" and initiate separation proceedings???? I am feeling it is but wanted to know if other couples call each other names in arguments and get over it???
I had pressed his buttons by telling him that if he carried on talking to me in the unpleasant way he was doing, there would be consequences (in my mind thinking that this meant separation), to which I got the above response...
Things between h and I generally difficult though with slightly better periods... Of course now he is behaving as if I am not on the planet which is what he normally does after one of these arguments. The difference this time is that I can't bear to look at him either after being called those things - I have had enough of feeling I really don't matter.

I have had enough of feeling I really don't matter

Says it all really.

It doesn't matter if it's just words, or whether other couples use these terms and chug along happily afterwards. You are unhappy and in a relationship which you call 'difficult'. Isn't that enough reason to make a better life for yourself, either alone, or with someone who treats you with some respect.

Is being called a stupid bitch, a stupid cow and being told to fuck off enough of a reason to actually "fuck off" and initiate separation proceedings????

Yes.

Do look at the emotional abuse support thread if you want some extra validation.

I think it would depend on the whole context of the argument. If someone is goading to get a reaction, knowing that the other person is likely to swear back at them, then it is 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

I quite regularly tell my husband to fuck off. He regularly tells me to do the same, but that is not during an argument, that is just us bickering at each other in a light hearted way.. (ie me "make me a cup of tea while you are up".. him "fuck off" or him to me "you silly cow, you are driving around on a bald tyre".. me "oh fuck off, I didnt notice it"..

However if I spoke to him like a child, or spoke down to him (which I honestly think that telling an adult that "there will be consequences.. ) I would expect a gobful back.. and if someone spoke down to me that way, they would get a reply they might not like either.

IF he is being nasty and abusive towards you for no reason, and not during an argument, or in the heat of the moment, then it is a problem and I wouldnt tolerate it, nor would I expect my husband to put up with me swearing at him either in that respect.

Also, if most of your relationship is spent arguing, not on speaking terms to each other, and with you both struggling to be civil to each other, then it doesnt matter if anyone is swearing, it is time to evaluate whether you want to continue the relationship.

If he knows that you have a boundary at being sworn at or certain words used and knowingly broke that, then you need to look at his response.
Saying 'there will be consequences' is a bit like treating him as a little boy, so in a way you provoked a naughty little boy response, perhaps?
When things are calmer - if they can be - sit down and explain that those words are unacceptable and he has seriously damaged your relationship with him.
See how he reacts and see how you feel. If you don't like being called anything even if it's stupid ie 'cabbage' and he uses that word then it's not ok.
Some couples can swear constantly in arguments but they don't mind it, all part of the relationship. For others it's a deal breaker.
But leave a bit of time for a modicum of calmness to descend

dp and i had a horrid row last night, basically he drank too much (tbh we all need a bit) and got v. angry when i threw his drink down the sink as did want him to get drunker while the children were still up. So like the op i got told to fuck off etc. Later, he got a bit scared by the whole thing (i think) as he realised he had crossed a big and unacceptable line. Am happy to treat is a one off but if it happened regularly then i would walk i think

There is no reason for someone to be nasty and abusive. You cannot justify being abusive and nasty, even "during an argument, or in the heat of the moment" . And don't feel that you were to blame because you provoked him by saying there will be consequences if he doesn't stop. He was already being unpleasant, and you tried to get him to stop, not by being nasty back, but by setting boundaries.

He sees your boundaries and tramples all over them. And now he's stonewalling you? Is he 3yo, FFS?

I know I pressed his buttons by saying "there will be consequences" in the way I did. I didn't really mean it to sound the way it did, but because my h is totally impossible to talk to EVER, it came out sounding the way it did.
You are right, it is about the relationship in general.
Thx for your messages.

I totally agree with Squeaky and everything she's said.

Have you ever at any time sworn at him or insulted him?

Is he always like this during an argument or do you think your 'consequences' reply goaded him?

Are you both like this at times or is it really just him?

If so, you do need to re evaluate the whole relationship.

I missed your messages Pogue and witch - sorry. Thanks for your thoughts. Hope things are ok with your dp today witch. Pogue, I agree with you too - my h doesn't listen in general and so what I legitimately feel comes out in a the patronising way it did, doesn't mean that my general feeling isn't right though.

I have sworn yes, and told him to fuck off (rarely) when he becomes overbearing (he has bullying tendencies), but I don't call him names equivalent to stupid cow and bitch.... Plus he is far more aggressive sounding than I am and able to fly into a rage. It is impossible to talk to him about anything at all apart from the very mundane. There is no discussing our "relationship" at all. I feel that if I display anger in an argument rather than backing off, he will then become more agressive, which is what happened.
The main thing is that even when things are "better", he has very little time for me. He works all day and spends every evening (until very late) of every day working on his computer. There is no affection between us and he is not interested in anything I do or say unless it is about the kids. He is by nature very solitary and I don't want to grow old with someone who doesn't care about me or hardly sees me. I certainly don't want to die (when the time comes) with him by my bedside. He doesn't understand anything about me, or if he does, he views me only in a negative way.

Why are you still with him? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me and you sound very unhappy.

Your kids will one day grow up and fly the nest, and you will be left with a dead relationship then. Sounds to me like it is over really unless he is willing to talk calmly and discuss a way to rebuild it. But if that is the way he has always been, then I cant see that happening. :(

I think he gave you his answer when you told him there would be consequences if he kept talking to you like that.

And you seem to know what you should do in your last post.

You don't have to justify it to us or anyone. Just to yourself.

Thanks for latest messages. I think it is very difficult to step out of the groove you are in and also to see the wood for the trees. Wondering if you can make things better or if things will improve when x, y or z. Also, the times when we are not arguing (albeit generally not close) are not so bad in that I have a lot to be thankful for. Also, 3 dcs are 5, 7 and 10 and I am totally financially dependent on h.
The thing about h is that he is not a bad person, but he is uncommunicative and uncompromising, as well as prone to a bad temper. He is extremely loving and affectionate towards the kids but for some reason, things do not really gel between us.
Am very scared of separating as it goes against every fibre of my being (know that sounds melodramatic but don't know how else to explain this weird sick feeling) but I know it can be done, and well if both partners decide to co-operate. I am just scared that h will become even more uncommunicative and uncompromising.....
Kids are at my sister's for a sleepover tonight and h and I are now in the same room all alone, not talking to or looking at each other. It's just ridiculous.

I know what you mean.
Ex was fairly similar but I kept staying, even though, if anything, he was financially dependent on me.

Eventually he became physically abusive, as he felt that I didn't care about the relationship anymore and was in fact ready to let it end.

These days I would advise getting out before it gets worse. :(

Staying with someone because you are scared of what will happen if you don't is the worst reason in the world to do just that

I broke a 2.5 year relationship precisely for that same reason, OP. When your partner loses respect for you, in my opinion, the relationship is doomed.