In a mess with a friendship

[Overinvolvedbusybody]

I have a long standing and very close friend, who is gay. We met through a shared hobby, some years ago. He quickly became very close to me, DH and the children. He comes around to our home a couple of times a week, and I'll pop in and see him a couple of times a week, plus extra time sometimes. For the last four years or so he's come and spent a week in the summer with us, and he tends to come to us at Christmas. All in all a very close and valued friend.

The trouble is that he has deep-rooted mental health issues, which he conceals as much as he can from people, which I understand. He's had a number of suicide attempts. The last one involved a week in hospital, during which time his family did not visit him once. I did all the daily visits, taking clean clothes, edible food, sitting with him listening to paranoid nonsense. Even washing and shaving him.

He is dreadful with money, which causes him no end of grief, but takes no real steps to sort the money issues out. I've stumped up on numerous occasions.

I've become increasingly concerned that I've exposed my children (who love him) to someone who is unstable. They get distressed by his down times, as do I. He will, for example, send me suicidal emails while I am at work, throwing me into a blind spin. I am scared every time I let myself into his flat that I will find him having taken an overdose again.

I've not taken a step back in case that precipitates another crisis. He won't take anti-depressants and is on a waiting list for counselling. Why the NHS is not treating this as a priority given his medical history I do not know.

But tonight he has done something quite - well - repugnant is probably the word. He has just texted me with this ""A man online offered me money for sex then when I went to meet, he didn't show. Grr"

So my friend who I love despite being a complete emotional, practical and financial drain, is taking to prostitution. It has to be time to walk away now, surely?

I wouldn't walk away from him for that reason. I'd be more annoyed by his refusal to take the medication he clearly needs - he expects you to step in and help him yet he won't take that step to help himself.

What do you expect the NHS to do? Even if they gave him priority over other equally or more needy souls for counselling, it will most probably take some considerable time before there is any marked improvement in his moods/behaviour - if any.

Has it occurred to you that the reason his family didn't visit during his last hospital stay is because they may have been drained/exhausted by his behaviour over the years?

As your dc presumably have all the stability and consistency they need from their parents, I don't see it as being particulary harmful for them to become aware that we are not all blessed with sound mental health, but if his 'downtimes' are causing them obvious distress I would suggest that you restrict his visits to your home during these periods - and explain to him why you find it necessary to do so.

Similarly, I suggest you stop acting as his 'bank of bailout' because living within his means is a stepping stone to him regaining/taking control of his life. Perhaps you could be available to help him manage his funds while making it clear that you can no longer dispense any yourself if he fucks up financially again?

Have you assumed he's been celibate over the time you've known him? If so, you should be aware that it's entirely possible that this isn't the first time he's touted his body for money or for free online.

As you've described him as 'a complete emotional, practical and financial drain', I'm wondering what you're getting from this friendship?

You may 'love' him as a friend but if it's reached a point where you are getting suicidal emails from him while you're at work and your heart is in your mouth everytime you let yourself into his home, the time has come for you to spell out to him that if he continues to place these onerous burdens on you it may be that you'll have to take a break from your relationship at least until such time as he takes the meds that have been prescribed for him.

Where does your dh stand in this friendship? Would he be willing to have a 'man to man' chat with your mutual friend and act as a buffer, so to speak, between his unreasonable demands and your good nature?

On further reflection, it occurs to me that one way to cut through some of the crap lessen the burden is to return his keys so that you no longer have the means to be the first on the scene let himself into his home.

In addition I suggest that you tell him that your employers have cracked down on the use of their computer equipment and that you are no longer able to access private emails or phone calls while you are at work - not even in your lunch break.

You may fear that if you are not available 24/7 he will make another attempt on his life or possibly succeed in topping himself but, should this come to pass, you cannot be held - nor should you hold yourself - responsible for his actions because his die was cast long before you came on the scene and, whatever else you may be, it's highly unlikely that you are a miracle worker.

misprint: 'let himself into his home' should read 'let yourself into his home'.

Your friend leads a life that's chaotic and clearly he's unwell. Are the suicide attempts a cry for help or does he really want to die? there's little the nhs can do if he won't engage with the services on offer or comply with medication. Getting someone sectioned is difficult.
You talk about all you do to help him but what does he do to help himself. He is needy. Is he manipulating you? I wonder if this last text is not his way of getting you to part with more cash to bail him out.
He needs to take some responsibility himself. What help is HE going to get? when is HE going to comply with medication? How is HE going to sort his finances out. It may sound harsh but he has to want to get better for himself. Has to want to change.
I think you do need to pull back from him, not because I think its particularly damaging to your children but because it is clearly damaging you.

I agree that he should be putting effort in to helping himself, not expect you to catch him everytime.
Could you ring the local mental health team in your/his town and tell them that you're worried about him, maybe he could get assessed and have a CPN or move in to supported living as he's clearly not coping alone.
He cant manage his money, perhaps this is down to his mental illness, he could get some help with this.
But its not your job to keep picking him up when he falls.
You are a really great friend he is lucky to have you but maybe its a good idea to get him to be honest with you

Thank you very much for your responses, I really appreciate them.

Yes, I think his family are emotionally exhausted. His mother openly says she hates the fact he's gay, which probably makes the situation worse.

I've told him that my emails at work are open access and it's probably best not to contact me there. That was good advice, thank you.

No, I knew he wasn't celibate. He does meet men online, go for dates, have a few one-night stands etc. He's had a couple of longer term relationships but he is a complete nightmare when he's in them. Usually stalking the other man relentlessly and/or causing lots of unnecessary dramas. To my knowledge, he has never been paid for sex, which to me seems a big deal.

I've tried to help him make budgets, get another better-paid job. To the point of filling out a couple of job applications for better paid jobs that he had expressed an interest in. He never sent the applications off.

He doesn't realise how chaotic and ill he is, which means that he doesn't really take his mental health seriously.

I am worried that I am facilitating his behaviour or becoming co-dependent - is that the term? Just because I am frightened of another suicide attempt.

What's supported living, by the way?

I feel guilty for not telling you all the positive aspects of the friendship. There have been lots of laughs. He's great with the DCs. Unfailingly courteous and considerate. We have a lot of shared interests and a similar sense of humour.

It's just that he is a bit mental

I agree with the wise advice of other posters.

As much as you love him, you are not responsible for him. He is an adult, and so are you.

I think you need to decide where your boundaries and limits are. What you want to do/be for him and what you don't. Whether you can continue to support him at all if he refuses medication (for serious depression it really is necessary)... What you can offer him without jeopardising your or your family's mental and physical well being.

If i were you I'd give back the key, block his email at work, stop giving him money... But also tell him you'll come with him to debt/financial counselling, support him with doctors etc.

My mum is mentally ill and has been for many years, she lived in a house with two other people with mental health problems, this house was monitered and visited by various health care professionals throughout the week, it was amazingly effective, now, having spent ten years there she has her own council flat which she runs really well.
Mind is a good charity to let him know about.
But I fear you may have to let him fall in the hole himself in order to realise that something's got to change.
Again, friends like you are very rare in the lives of people like this and it's lovely that youre here asking for help on his behalf.

I don't think its time to walk away, I think it is time to RUN LIKE HELL please please do not let this man stay around your children, he will continually drain you and your family, walk away he is not worth the heart ache