Only thing I have to smile about right now is my DS

[mummytippy]

Sorry for this depressing post but right now I'm strugging to find anything to smile about. I'm feeling very isolated and lonely.
I was seeing a guy since my ds was 20 months old and he was great. The usual thing happened (which you can't see at the time) where the woman wants to feel a little more secure... and the guy is a bit scared of commitment. Ultimately after a two year relationship he decided it wasn't working and finished with me.
What has made it so hard his friends became my friends, his parents and family doted on my ds and really liked me too and any talk of making things more permenant (engagement, house etc) he was always happy to initiate. We were all geared up to get engaged... (two years ago now) but sadly had a disagreement the day this was meant to happen (my birthday) and through it not going perfectly (how he had planned) we ended up having a huge arguement. Basically he had bought me a gift for my house... and because I was confused by him buying it (as we'd talked seriously about buying a house together) he blurted out he'd bought me an engagement ring... ''If I could have been grateful for more than ten seconds''.
I didn't mean to sound ungrateful but clearly this is how he took it... we soldiered on with a white elephant in the corner for four more months and then he ended things Feb 2010.
In the time since we've been split up I fought to remain friends and in contact for the sake of my ds... as we were both hugely emotionally attached to him. He was initially very distant... explaining he felt he couldn't be in touch, but over the space of the last year he started texting me... and flirting with me. He knows I still love him... and via his friends I had heard that he still cared about me and my ds a lot.
Anyway, my ds and I moved house last year and he came to visit... as my ds was around he said we needed to talk ''when there isn't a small person around'' and the last time he visited was before Xmas where he brought 2 bags of presents and not just for my ds. I didn't have the courage to ask/talk as he'd previously said... and I'm so cross with myself for not having the courage. Surely he cares or why would he have called? We text on Christmas day (back and forth) and he's said he'll call again but the last few times I've text him to arrange he's said he's busy... I know how that can also be interpreted because I've said it to people I'm not interested in...
I just can't work out him getting back in touch, visiting us, saying we need to talk, buying us Xmas presents and then being 'busy'?
My main concern is my ds as he now wants to see him and keeps asking about him as he's visited us and was in contact.
I need to tell him how I feel but am so afraid. I miss him so much, he was my best friend and my life feels so empty without him. I've tried moving on but because he's also had such a close connection with my ds too I'm finding it really hard. I'm a very loyal person and simply cannot let go.
Any advice would be most welcome... thank you in advance.

No advice really but just had to reply. I'm sorry about the last 2 years and I hope all of the uncertainty goes. Soon. X

He's messing you around. It must be a huge ego trip for him to know that you're still hanging on waiting for him while he just gets to carry on with his life. If he really cared he would tell you straight what the situation was, and he would want to get back with you. Saying he had an engagement ring for you but you weren't "grateful" enough to be worthy of it rings huge alarm bells - what was he like in general? Has he ever been aggressive with you or called you names?

This is a man who is happy when things are going his way and those around him are in agreement. But woe betide if you have different opinions. I am married to one of those - until Thursday, when the decree absolute will be pronounced.

Thank you for your replies...
I think I'm torn between uncertanty and denial...
and I need to say how I feel face to face. I missed a Xmas present from behind the Xmas tree and forgot to give him a picture my ds had made for him too on his last visit before Xmas.
I text him as soon as he'd left to tell him... at which point he said he may even be able to call the next day depending on work. Since then despite him saying he'd call... and me being left feeling akward in reminding him... I just feel helpless.
@CailinDana, He was never agressive if anything he's very 'Arty' and can be theatrical... he works in the media. He's also described as being immature when it comes to women by his best friend and wife and sadly was known to be an ''outrageous flirt'' - which I was told I had tamed!. As for name calling... he would sometimes poke fun at me, saying I was 'blonde' and would pick me up on my accent (he's from the south and I'm from the North) but we both agreed we had a 'chalk and cheese' ideal match situation. We'd laugh at our differences, with me saying I was his Eliza Dolittle!
His parents are very important to him, which I completely understand and he's very aware of their mortality... his mother's opinion matters to him a lot. She liked me, but I seriously think she had her hopes on a nice Oxbridge graduate for her son and not me. His father absolutely doted on my ds and cannot wait for grandchildren.
His brother's wife is my best friend and they both were apalled by what happened. They've assured me of their undying friendship with a muture understanding.
My ex is 36 in April and I'm 40 in October. This is partly why I feel so devasted. I feel so completely 'burnt out' putting everything into this relationship and we both wanted to have children, with him pointing out my 'biological clock'... everything was unfolding... with his father pointing out the need for a preferable same age gap between my son and our offspring.
The latest is, I e-mailed him last Tuesday... suggesting this week for him to visit... it was a very positive message... as I took my ds skiing (irony is, he's just been skiing too so it's like we're doing what we both love but seperately!) and he sent an e-mail back saying ''madly busy... may have to be week after... but will come back to you... hope all is well''... to which I haven't replied. I'm trying to convey the atruistic person that I am in my messages... ''Hello! Hope all is well... skiing was great!!! :-)... busy with work, which is fab!!!'' but really I feel so let down by him.
He is great with my ds and my ds misses him so much.
Another close mutual friend has said if he didn't care he wouldn't have made contact and she feels he's afraid ''I'll rope him in'' from the point where we were when we split.
For me I'm looking at it yes, emotionally but also practically. We still have a connection... it's obvious when we meet and we share the same interest and values. Life's too short and there are so many ''jerks'' out there which when you have a young child... you can't afford to get involved with. I would give anything to just give ''us'' another go. After all, before the engagement ring incident everything was great... otherwise why would he have got to the point of asking me?

Sorry, I meant to say ''small age gap'' not same.

All relationships have disagreements. The relationships that survive are the ones where these are resolved. If you both like and think the same way on many things, it may be a while before differences surface. Is this what happened in your case? (I am afraid in recent times I resolved our differences by agreeing with him and supressing myself.)

The only answer is to corner him and ask him straight what he wants. If he doesn't give you an answer then you know what he wants - for him to live a single life while keeping you dangling on a string. You say a lot of positive things about him, but you're missing the huge negative, which is the fact that for a year he has strung you along knowing how much it must be confusing you and he hasn't sorted things out. It must be very clear to him that you still have feelings for him, so why hasn't he made moves to get back together? You've said a few times "he must care because..." the thing is, you shouldn't have to be guessing about whether he cares or not, it should be completely clear to you.

because I was confused by him buying it (as we'd talked seriously about buying a house together) he blurted out he'd bought me an engagement ring... ''If I could have been grateful for more than ten seconds''.

What a horrible and manipulative thing to say. A slap in the face. NOT what one says to the person one loves. If he even did intend to propose to you, it cannot be because he truly loves and cherishes you.

OP, you're sad and still hoping for love from this man, but seriously, you've had a lucky escape. Cut it off cleanly; go live your own life. You're worth more than being yanked around for some guy's ego trip.

@PinkPussyCat, I did find myself agreeing to things sometimes... but not all the time. I fully understand what you're saying.
@CailinDana, You are completely right, I just need the opportunity to ask him face to face. And yes, it's cruel of him to string me along as he does know how I feel. I keep torturing myself into thinking he just doesn't know how to go about addressing his feelings... but then I think, he just loves the chase and playing mind games? But then why would he do that when I have child he at least cares about to care for?
As you say I need to ask him and ''corner him'' once and for all.

What a horrible and manipulative thing to say. A slap in the face. NOT what one says to the person one loves. If he even did intend to propose to you, it cannot be because he truly loves and cherishes you.

OP, you're sad and still hoping for love from this man, but seriously, you've had a lucky escape. Cut it off cleanly; go live your own life. You're worth more than being yanked around for some guy's ego trip.

@HotDamnLifeIsGood, I was just really shocked at the time and I couldn't believe how he reacted. As you can imagine 'friends' all chipped in too... pouring coal on. All I did was hope that with time the engagement would still happen and with Christmas and then New Years and him still not proposing I felt like I was on probation (not that I have ever been on probation!).
I've just been hoping that because we've been in touch again recently and with him turning up like Santa and him hinting at things... perhaps absence had made the heart grow fonder.

He never seriously intended to Get engaged. I doubt he ever bought a ring at all. He just said it to keep you happy and go along with things while he thought of another plan. If you had actually got engaged, a marraige would never have happened either. There woudl have been more excuses. And there certainly woud never have been the right time to have a child together.

That way he gets to be the good guy and you are the ungrateful woman who spoilt the perfect proposal /momemt that he was planning. He doesnt want to be seen as the feckless heartless man who messes about a poor simgle mum.

The Eliza Doolittle analogy is very telling. Eliza was not professor higgins equal, she was his project, his hobby. He did it to win a bet. This man does not respect you.

He HAS told you what he wants, he said hes busy. He doesnt want a full time partner and child or he doesnt want you. Either because its too much hassle /comittment/responsibioity or because he wants to be free to see other women. Thats why hes off and on with you, he can fit you in when hes got the time /inclination. I bet you have sex with him when he comes to visit too.

The question is what do YOU want. This man will never commit to you. Do you wamt to spend another 2 years waiting for him or do you want to be free emotionally to look for soemone else?

Im sorry to sound so heartless, but its very easy to see when you are not in the situation. I was also a singel parent aged 40 when i met my dh, we have been happily married for 10 years and have 2more children togther as well as the ones we had when we met. There ARE good men out there. Sadly your ex is not one of them. Walk away.....

What others have said.

He is a jerk, I'm afraid, just not the cheating (possibly) or violent (yet) type.

Distance yourself if you can.

I'm sorry, he may have his lovely moments...but everything you have posted makes him sound controlling, nasty and sinister to me.

I agree that he is getting off having you dangling.

You do need to distance yourself. Break all contact, make it know to shared friends that you don't want to hear about what he is up to.

I am 42 and, although I am not wild about it, I certainly don't feel ready for the trash heap. I don't think its your age that has made you feel like this.

Its him and his controlling behaviour.