Mismatched sex drive

[IamStarved]

100-0
That's the score of the sex drive I and my wife have. I love it, she just hates it. Been married for a while - have never got to try out anything. Watching porn has become a fall back option to stay normal....she finds it all too "yucky" and "dirty" and very animal-ish. No clues on what to do....what do you say, strangers?

I just don't think it's a physically low sex drive with OP's wife - it's the whole 'yucky' thing which is bound to be psychololgical. Women with purely low drive, like the poster above, still enjoy it when it happens/when they feel like it.

Yes but when you don't fancy someone, it's yuck to have to do anything with them physically right? No reflection on the other person of course, if they've remained the person they always were. It's her problem if that's what's up but it has to considered a possibility.

And didn't op say this is her first and only relationship so it's hard to compare it with anything else.

This is all very interesting.OP I feel sorry for you. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where our sex drive was so different. Then again, I hate to be harsh but why marry someone when your sex drive is so mismatched?did you really think one day she was going to turn into a sex kitten?

If your wife says sex is yiucky then she has some underlying psychological issues. Generally though, if someone doesn't want sex I'd be thinking they didn't fancy their partner or something was seriously putting them off.its unusual to be totally asexual.

As for women having a lower sex drive, bollocks!some of us have equal or higher. Tat's just ridiculous! That really annoys me when men say that.

Let's not forget, that on forums we only hear when things aren't right. Men with wives with low sex drives or women with husbands who never initiate sex. Of course you wiLl never hear about those of us who actually are well matched and like shagging:)

Oh and by the way rick, you comment about accepting it or moving or makes me laugh. You don't do either though, do you? You stay with someone for their other qualities-what exactly? The fact they deny you intimacy. Yes great qualities. And how many exactly move on??

Well you should. If a wife makes you unhappy then you shouldn't make do. I wouldn't.

Agree with mojito. Was never there in the first place.

folks....we're from that part of the world where arranged marriages and virgin status is still the expected norm. so neither of us could have known what we're getting into. equally, wanting to exit because of this reason is not something either of us can ever explain to family.
Que sera sera!

I have sent you a PM which may help!

IAS: Poor you. And your poor wife. Both of you have been crippled by superstition, by the sound of it: raised to think that sexual ignorance is a virtue and that sex is something yucky and dangerous that should be reserved for The One You er... love.

You might find it useful to get some sort of psychosexual counselling for yourself, even if your wife refuses to do so. Counselling may help you learn ways to discuss the issue with her in a non-threatening way (not saying that you are aggressive, more that discussing the subject may be distressing for her). But if she is absolutely determined that there will be no more sex and no discussion of the subject, then you might have to think about whether or not you want to remain in the marriage. Because it is not fair for one partner to ignore the other partner's misery and refuse to consider any kind of compromise or solution.

Carmen. I said we have different levels of libido. We don't always match. I choose to live with this because I love my wife. She is genuinely beautiful, funny and great company. We also have two great kids who we chose to have. I owe them as a dad to be around for them, to provide a loving and stable home and a secure, happy family environment.

Are you saying that not getting a shag occasionally when I want one is a reason to have an affair, or get a divorce?

Rick: Only you know if you are unhappy enough with the lack of sex in your relationship to want to leave it if things don't change. Sometimes people do leave partners with low or non-existent libidos simply because they cannot cope any longer with involuntary celibacy. THis does not make them bad or wrong. Equally, sometimes it's the low-libido partner who walks away because s/he is either sick of being asked for sex or because s/he understands that it is unfair to insist the other partner lives a celibate life.
Unfortunately a lot of people who have higher libidos than their officially-sanctioned partners stay, miserably, in their sex-free relationships until they meet someone else and embark on an affair, sometimes as a coping strategy (which can work, but not necessary longterm) sometimes as a way of forcing a crisis in the sexless relationship.

Rick, I'm not suggesting anything. You were the one at the start of the thread, basically complaining this is what you have to put up with the rest of your married life.

I don't know whether the fact that you love your wife etc is enough and you can do without much sex or the type of sex you want for the rest of your life.it obviously bothers you enough to comment on here!

What I don't like is when people justify extra marital sex when they have done nothing to resolve issues at home. Not singling you out btw.

Personally, if I had a partner who refused to engage in intimacy or even discuss it then it would be a dealbreaker. If someone was so detached from me I could claim to love them. Well I could, but not as a husband, more as a companion. Which to me, is not an acceptable relationship. I have plenty of friends. I want a partner who I can share something unique ie intimacy.

The lack of openess to discuss it or do anything about it would be a deal breaker for me I am afraid. I am very sorry for you OP, I could not live you this and I admire you for your patience. its a very distressing situation for all involved (I have the opposite problem and a DH with a lowish sex drive and it drives me mad!)

I think I am getting into a depression ......don't feel like speaking with her, even touching her now.

Perhaps she is asexual? To think even kissing is "yucky" is quite a strong view.

Dear Starvin Marvin: I am in your situation but reversed. I'm 27, blonde, obscenely busty, very open minded, ultra confident, with a nympho quality sex drive and while I would consider me overweight most people wouldn't (am used to having a ballroom dancers body that disappeared with the dancing). I scrub up alright and get called "exotic" (even though it baffles me). I explain this to you because I am the cliche fantasy and when I recently discovered my partner with porn I felt inadequate and like I wasn't enough for him. Maybe your wife feels like that too??

I used to do some madaming in a brothel (legal here in Australia) and the amount of married men who ended up crying on me rather than choose a girl was phenomenal!! They didn't really want to have sex with someone other than their wife they just wanted to get some affection and yes, some sex. Most of them spent their allocated time cuddling and crying to the girls and needing a little ego stroke about how they weren't ugly. Because being constantly rejected makes you feel ugly. And the lack of intimacy makes you feel disconnected.

All of those men got the same advice from me that I will give you now:

1. Do new things together. When you start a new relationship, new job, buy a new house etc you get a rush of norepinephrine aka the new love drug. Couples who do new things together experience this rush together and link it to the person not the activity. Get a new hobby together.
2. take her dancing. It doesn't matter if you have 2 left feet, laugh at yourself if you feel like an idiot, she won't care. It will be light fun interaction where your bodies have to be close together. Odds are it will be a new thing which ticks point 1, and the exercise will create endorphins, making you both happy. Your willingness to embarrass yourself for her won't go unnoticed and the laughter will do your marriage wonders.
3. Attack & Run. Follow these steps exactly. Compliment her in an offhand way (eg, your arse looks hot in those pants). Go and do the dishes/clean up the kitchen. Grab her as she walks past and kiss her passionately. Do not be hesitant or use excessive tongue (if any). Look her in the eye (she will no doubt look baffled) nod while you think to yourself "they were sexy damn pants" and then walk away without saying a word. This works because compliments, helpfulness, manliness and confidence are damn sexy to every woman!

Out of all those men who didn't want to be unfaithful but also didn't want a life without sex 1/3 became regulars (we were the only brothel in town). 2/3 never came back. I'd say about half of that 2/3 rang to thank me. Women want romance. We want men that feel like real men. And we want the "I need you right now" passion without the pressure. Tell her that you understand she doesnt have a high libido, but that you'll never stop wanting her.

It doesn't matter if you get to the edge, it just matters that you don't jump.

Dear peaches84 that is possibly the best advice i have ever been given...

It doesn't matter if you get to the edge, it just matters that you don't jump.

Thanks MateyMoo :) glad it helped.

I agree with peaches! Well said.

I think a lot of women say (on here) that they agree to something (cuddling) and the man wants to go further. I would be affectionate and loving making it VERY clear you didn't want to go further. Once she feels safe that you will never pressure she may be more willing.

Thanks sleepless :)
I would say a good 90% of the time when a woman refuses sex there is underlying low self esteem. In fact, I'd say that applies to men too. The dancing will help if she's gained a little weight and a little more flattering attention might be helpful too. The "yucky" references bother me though..... Hmmmm

Peaches I loved your advice but what if it's the other way round & it's the man who doesn't want the woman? What would you suggest a sex starved wife does?