Ex most likely cheating on his new partner ....

[DuchessofCambridge]

which is none of my concern specifically as he is not lying to me and given they got together whilst I was pregnant, I don't have much sisterhood connection with his current partner.

However, the background is important.

We have two children together. He has never lived with us and is totally unable to accept proper responsibility (across the board; work, home, children, relationships). He is controlling and manipulative with women and has (certainly historically and probably still) numerous ongoing affairs. I have suspected NPD for some time. I got out eventually and am enormously relieved that he is no longer my direct emotional responsibility.

For about 4 years I allowed him access on demand to the children here at my house. He lives at the other end of the country and so to see them it would have meant him staying in a hotel. He pays a good amount of maintainence and so I was reasonably ok about facilitating it on my home turf despite it being awful for the last 18 months of that period (the time since we finally split up). This has meant him being here every 3-4 weeks or so for a weekend.

In the middle of last year I finally allowed the children to start visiting his home where he lives with his new partner. We agreed the terms in advance. This included that we wouldn't introduce our children to anyone we weren't in a proper committed relationship with. He grew up in a home where both parents brought in a string of new partners and I suspect some of the damage to his mental health has been caused by this. I have repeatedly said to him that if there is anything going on which would jepordise his ongoing relationship which would ultimately cause upset to the children when the inevitable break up occurs he should think twice. He has assured me all is fine.

Since then there have been at least five occasions when I have had cause to believe that he is seeing at least one or two other people as well as his girlfriend. I really need the occasional break from the constant childcare and full time working but I am niggled by the fact that he is being potentially careless with my children's emotional connection with his new girlfriend. She seems a really nice girl (significantly younger than him) on the face of it and I know that it isn't any kind of open relationship.

In turning a blind eye to it all am I in any way complicit in the potential damage down the line? I feel really uncomfortable about the fact that he is still acting in this irresponsible way. Should I stop them from going? I sort of think I will just end up having to explain that he is what he is and that, although he loves them, he has some issues of his own. But then I wonder if I should protect them as much as I can.

Sorry this is so long - am really grateful for anyone who gets to the end of it!

I was privy to one or two of DF affairs. Tbh it has screwed me up for life. Girls especially grow up with a blueprint of their ideal man as their father. I have severe trust issues, but then have ended up with men who have betrayed me emotionally and sometimes physically.
Coincidence? My therapist thinks not.
Be aware what growing up with a narc parent does, research co-dependency. Sorry.

thank you five. I have two girls which makes your post all the more compelling. I do worry about how it will affect their relationships when they are older. He is pretty self aware and self obsessed and uses this 'worry' to try and make him sound like a concerned father. But he isn't. I have heard him tell an out and out lie to DD1 on the phone about why he wasn't coming to see her which was so utterly loathsome that I wanted to punch him in the face. In many ways I think it would be better if they had nothing to do with him. But then I feel bad because I don't doubt that he loves them - just that he loves himself much more. If it isn't entirely inappropriate may I ask, do you still see your father? Did you discuss the impact he had on you? apologies for prying as I suspect that these are difficult questions to answer to a total stranger. I dread the time when they receive text messages from him which were destined for some girl he is chasing. I honestly don't know what to do about him.

I see him occasionally, closer to my stepmum tbh, makes me all the more angry when I see him drunk with his face in one of her friends cleavage.
I don't speak to him about it, doubt he'd understand, plus my therapist says an apology from him now wouldn't help me. It's the upset little girl who could tell he was shagging the aupair and was taken on some days out like a gooseberry while stepmum was working that needs an apology from the useless narc dad that he was then.
Please also be aware that my mum slating him and telling me about his affairs that I was too young to know about has done lots of damage too.
I can say he was crap in some ways but when my mum says it I feel defensive and confused. Go figure, but if it helps your girls for you to hear that I'dlike to spare them some of what I've been tbrough/going through.

There is nothing you can do about his behaviour. My ex was very much the same (except lived a lot closer). He introduced DD to a woman he was engaged to when we were still married (and I was clueless) and went on to do much the same to the lovely woman he subsequently married. He used DD as an excuse and an alibi for any number of flings. But although DD decided to stop overnight contact when she was about 13/14, I continued to encourage her to have contact with him until last year. I do believe that she learned a lot from it and is much more stable now, having had that relationship with him. She knows what he is like and chooses not to have him in her life. She does, however, maintain contact wth her Stepmum (who is now divorcing ex) and I think that is a very positive relationship.

oh five I am so sorry. It must have been/be horrific. I found out a couple of weeks ago (from DD1) that he took my girls out to the zoo with some woman whilst his gf was at work. He doesn't have platonic friendships with women so I can only assume he is either sleeping with her or trying to.

I don't say anything to the children. They are far too young. I am really careful that I don't tell a lie (so I will say, 'Daddy has told me his plane has a problem and he can't fly back to the UK) but similarly I don't overdo it so that when they are older they don't think I was a doormat or naive. They are only 5 and 2 so I have a little time tho not much.

At least he doesn't live with us, and never has, so 'home' is not contaminated with the bad stuff. I really am grateful to you for answering my post. The insight is such a help.

Thank you Balia. I thought I had done well to accept a new woman in the children's lives and am positive about the fact that it can only be a good thing for someone else in the world caring for them. That's why I am so annoyed with him. I now have to wrestle with the idea of this woman packing her bags and leaving one day because she has finally realised what's being going on. And him using the girls as some kind of dating accessory.

Balia, please be aware of the signs of co-dependency as she grows up and starts forming relationships. also keep a close eye on the type of men she will choose. Her 'blueprint' for men has already been formed, even though she doesn't hold her dad in high regard. I can't stand the type of man my dad is, but have repeatedly chosen to date/have relationships with men with similar self needing attributes. Some much worse than others though.

Absolutely know what you mean by dating accessory. And I'm sorry, I had no idea they were so young - 5 and 2? But 4 years of access? Am I reading it wrong?

Five, thankyou for taking the time to offer advice, have checked out co-dependency this morning. DD doesn't seem to be anything like the description but is only 17 - she has had a number of b/f but nothing very serious. They always seem much more keen on her than she is on them. Maybe she is a commitment-phobe or something.

No, it sounds ludicrous but it is accurate! We've never lived together. Had DD1 right at the end of 2006 and he used to come and visit at weekends. Had a brief reconciliation which resulted in DD2 in 2009. The plan during my second pregnancy was we would finally live together. Then I found out he was having an affair so I ended it. Last summer, when DD2 was 17 months I started letting them go to him. They have only been to his house four times so far. It is 3 hours from here and so they can only go during school holidays. Which is a blessing. There is every chance that it will fizzle out as they get older and have their own social lives. Already DD1 is fairly uninterested in the whole business.

you may wonder why I ended up with two children with this man .... The answer is he genuinely convinced me that we were destined to be together and that somehow I could save him. The top and bottom is that he doesn't want to change - and I have long moved on from caring. The moment I realised that no matter what I didnt want him in my life was such a revelation. I just need to look out for the girls now.