DH has come in a bit drunk - don't know what to do

[nellyjelly]

Short version - he is a bit of a drinker. At worst he is a functioning alcoholic I guess but not sure. He definately drinks too much, usually cans at night, when the kids are in bed. He used to drink more so has cut down and it doesn't impact much on the family. He can afford it and if he has a few cans, he doesn't get really drunk, just tipsy and if he annoys me I keep out of his way. I do hate it though.

Today he went to meet a friend and has arrived home drunk. I have had the kids all day to facilitate this meeting. He stinks of alcohol and as usual has played down how much he has had.

I hate the fact he is drunk during the day and around the kids. Just not nice. I told him I was upset but added the very barbed comment that no wonder our neighbours hate him as he's such a pisshead. I know. He is a bit paranoid about some of our neighbours, don't know why. He just always seems to think people don't like him. Anyway..........he really turned on me and has been stomping about all night, talking about 'how perfect I am'. (me). He is foul. He is deflecting from the drinking by being passive aggressive to me.

I hate him for this. I hate his drinking but it's been an issue for 20 odd years and isn't going to get better. He is probably just on the side of it not being a big problem. he can stop, he's done it before. This isn't really the issue though - just his attitude when drunk and feeling it's OK to come home like this. Can't reason with him tonight.

Am I over reacting? 90% time all is fine.

give him a cuddle?

:( That sounds really hard. I think it's time for a serious chat, perhaps, when he's sober? And possibly an ultimatum - you can't go on like this indefinitely.

I don't think you are overreacting, what are you going to do about it?

Well only you can tell if you're overreacting.

But. This is a problem that isn't going to go away, is it? Unless he acknowledges that he is an alcoholic.

It's not much of a lesson for your children to be observing is it? Even if they're in bed for most of the time, they're hardly going to grow up developing a 'normal' relationship with alcohol are they?

I'd be asking him to leave, personally. Why should you have to put up with it, protect him, keep away from him?

His drinking is affecting your marriage. You need to talk about it to decide how you will resolve this, as you would any issue in your relationship which was a problem for one or both of you.

Have the talk with him when he is sober. Preferrably when he is hungover, because that is when he will feel most sorry about his excessive drinking. Tell him that it's a problem for you. Tell him what you are prepared to tolerate.

It is then up to him to either change his habits or risk losing the relationship he has with you.

You cannot change him. You cannot control his drinking. You cannot 'cure' him. He will need to be responsible for his drinking. All you can do is let him know that you have had enough.

If he doesn't change, then you have your answer. All you need to decide then, is whether or not you can live with him like this for the rest of your life.

YANBU to be upset, and to want to address this.

YABU to address it (directly, or by making barbed comments designed to upset him) when he is drunk, and with the dc around. Nothing can be sensibly discussed atm, so best to ignore and go about your business for now.

Thanks for prompt responses. Not sure he really is an alcoholic tbh, that's why I said 'at worst' but at end of day, it's only a label and his drinking does make me feel unhappy. I know he won't change, he can, he stopped quite easily quite recently for around 2 months but he won't stop because I ask him to.

He just doesn't see it as a problem.

I will just go to bed asap and ignore him tonight. He's foul when in this mood.

Not much you can do really. Either put up with it or leave. Depends what you want long term really. Not a life I would choose.

He sounds exactly like my Dad. I used to dread him coming home drunk. My Mum would get upset but try and hide it from us, I hated him so much for that. He didn't get falling down drunk that often but when it happened it was fairly horrendous IMO.
Long story short though (on the bus on the way home atm!) is that I never drink more than one drink in front of my DCs, which is an over reaction I know but I'd hate for them to feel like I did.

Not a life I would choose either really. I hate his drinking but honestly the rest of the time he is great and is a great dad. I think this is the first time he has been drunk in front of the kids and tbh he is not falling down drunk or anything. I can just tell he has had more than is good.

I know I'm defending him now.

Oh good, I'm glad you can see that you are defending him.

You are the only one who knows how much you can put up with. If it's bearable and you just want to have a rant every now and then, well fine. But I don't think you will find many people agreeing with you because, ultimately, it's not the quality of life you want or deserve is it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Must be something, you are still there.

Not all alcoholics have to drink every day or live their life on a park bench.
What is your definition of an alcoholic?. It needs refining and I think you have normalised all this at great emotional cost to your own self, not just your children.

The 10% when to your mind he is not fine is just the tip of a bloody huge iceberg. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and you are playing second fiddle to that.
Your H's primary relationship is with drink; everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second to the drink. Many such relationships as well have codependency elements within them, I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Davies.

Your role in this marriage is now primarily one of enabler; you have and continue to facilitate your drinking by being around him. You helped him today for instance, you've carried him now for a long time. How many times have you made excuses or covered for him?.

How many people know he has a drink problem?. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

You cannot help him, you can only help your own self here and Al-anon is a good place for you to start. You and the kids are as much caught up in this as he is I am sorry to say.

You cannot solve his drink problem for him and you can make him talk and he could promise the world but unless he himself admits to having a drink problem nothing will change and even then he has a long and hard road to follow; a road you cannot join him on.

There are also no guarantees re alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and he could still choose to drink even after all that. Nothing that you write is indicative of him admitting there is a problem; he like many alcoholics is in denial. Also you write he underestimates how much he is drinking; alcoholics do that.

Where are the consequences for his actions; it is easy to go into denial yourself and bury your head in the sand like you have done but you cannot do that indefinately. Your children are picking up on all this even if they do not see this directly. They as well as you are being affected by his drinking.

You have a choice re your H; your children do not and they are growing up in a household where one of the parents has an ongoing and long term alcohol dependency issue. He is a functioning alcoholic but regardless of the label he and you are teaching your children damaging lessons.

He cannot stop long term; what is the longest period of time he has gone without drink?. Two months without alcohol is the blink of an eye.

The 3cs re alcoholism which you will do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The good dad comment is also trotted out by women who can actually say nothing positive themselves about their man. I was waiting for that one to arrive.

Do not do this to you and your children; this is NO life for they to be witness to. It also reflects badly on you to your children. They as adults apart from being left a host of emotional problems due to their drunkard dad will not thank you for staying with someone like your drunkard H and could well accuse you of being weak and putting him before them. This is not the legacy you want to leave them.

Think carefully; you have a choice re him, your children do not.

Thanks for comments. Not sure I accept everything that is said but there is food for thought.

nelly - i just wanted to say that i empathise with you. I too am having a hard time working out if my OH has a drink problem which he needs to 'address' or not.

I know everyone says if drink is ever a problem then its a drink problem - but that doesnt solve the dilema of how to go forward. I dont want to be trying to use a sledge hammer to crack a nut. Its felt in the past like making an issue out of it just makes drinking more special and therefore strangely more desireable to him. Like a treat.

My father liked a drink. I saw him drunk many times as a kid. He was always jolly and easy going when pissed but i know my mum used to get angry with him. I never understod why. I dont feel damaged by witnessing any of that. My own personal relationship with drink is 'take it or leave it', as is normal i suppose. I usually leave it.

My OH has had bigger problems in the past with drink than he has now. By those standards he is doing well. How are you ment to know what's acceptable? How do you pick a good time to air your views? He's pretty stressed at the moment - so now doesnt feel a good time to start deep discussions about his habits. I know that sounds lame.

I must admit i'm very confused about what to think at the moment. Not much help to you then i'm afraid OP sorry! I hope you find a way through this.

misty0,

Sometimes alcoholism is learnt. These people were in families where relations or parents drank and continued to drink heavily. They as children grew up with this and came to regard it as normal.

You yourself grew up with a father who drank heavily; it is not totally surprising therefore that you are now with a man who you think might have alcohol problems. You probably as well feel almost super responsible for your man.

BTW did your mother go on to leave your Dad?.

You cannot make your man address his drink problem if he does not want to.
Talking to an alcoholic is a wasted effort ultimately as their primary relationship is with drink with everything and everyone else around them coming a dim and distant second. Reasoned argument from the other non drinker counts for nothing to these people.

Nelly - there have been things written here that are hard to accept but writing that it is food for thought is progress for you. Keep thinking about what is happening here and give yourself a time limit re your H too.

misty

You may love this bloke but he loves alcohol more. Apart from anything else your love for him will destroy YOU in the end. Love should not be such hard work honestly. He will drag you down with him and sadly the longer you stay within this, the harder it will seem to extricate yourself. Love is not enough in these situations, it never is.

If there are children involved the effects on them are immense and often appear only when such children now adults embark on relationships themselves. Such people are more likely to pick alcoholics as partners.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Liike I said, if you think the behaviour is bearable, if you are prepared to live like this for the rest of your life, then you don't need to do anything about it. Nothing will change. You will both carry on as you are. That's a decision only you can make.

My mum and dad were together till dad passed away 4 years ago. He was 68. He had a heart attack in his late 40s (due to smoking) which meant giving up drinking and smoking from then, so the issue there went away overnight really.

I'm not a non-drinker excactly. I drink once or twice a month or so at home with OH. He's a weekend drinker. Not a pub goer at all. He likes me to join him for a drink on a Saturday night. To unwind and have daft evening together. We do have a good time. He drinks whether or not i'm joining in or not though.

There's been a few times when he's turned rally nasty late at night after drinking a certain amount. I had a thread about this at the end of last year. I dont want to take over this thread with all my stuff.

What's happened has left me nervous of his drinking. He thinks he's on top of it by changing what he's drinking and convincing himself that those episodes were caused by any bad feeling between us at the time. But he's wrong - we were fine on those nights before he turned, no bickering. And it has happened with him on larger. So he's wrong there too. I know because i'm starting to make a mental note of it all. I feel like 50% of this is me being anxious and the other 50% is him being so keen to have his weekend drink.

Its a vicious circle. I feel like there's a problem, but i feel like part of it.

X posts there. Love shouldnt be this much hard work, i know. But he brings me such joy as well ..... its so hard to rationalise it all.

I feel like 50% of this is me being anxious - misty it's not. It really isn't. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, please do not blame yourself or take any responsibility for his drinking. It is 100% his choice.

If you weren't there. If you went on holiday or had a long spell away for some reason, do you think he would stop drinking. Because 'your 50%' was absent? He would spend his weekend drinking whether you were there or not. In fact, he could drink as much as he liked in peace if you were not there, so he would probably prefer that.

Of course he brings you joy when he's not drinking. That, after all, is the man you really want to be with. I wonder why he chooses to not be that man for you all the time.

nelly you said something similar - I hate the fact he is drunk during the day and around the kids . . . He is foul . . . I hate him for this. I hate his drinking

but

he can stop, he's done it before

What you need to ask yourself is, if he can stop, why doesn't he? If one partner is doing something which the other finds abhorrent, why do they keep on doing it? Why does he choose to do something you hate?

Even if it's only 10% of the time.

It's hard to rationalise misty because alcoholism is irrational. The drinker will put alcohol before everything. And that's a really difficult concept to accept. But it's happening already. The drinker will keep drinking until they have a reason not to. That's why nothing will change for you unless you change it yourself.